[Wonderlats]

I write this, at 29, single, living alone, content with this arrangement, I'm still social and live a good life.

I've met some beautiful women over the last few years, the only two I every had any real relationship had absolutely no desire for an expanding family for various reasons (already had children etc).

I don't write this from the prospect of hating kids, of not loving the affection, the love and the time you spend with them, quite the opposite. I have an intense longing for a family but I'm so scared of where I'm coming from.

I sat on campus last week, looking over the moat surrounding the library, looking out on to the vast lawns, the trees and the people walking by. Two people walked from class and sat under a giant, ancient fig tree on the edge of the lawn. One, a good looking young guy, blond, athletic and full of confidence, with him a beautiful girl in her early 20's, also full of confidence, she was visibly pregnant, and happy.

Until this happened all I could think of was being in the same position, of being young, low income and in my case, having absolutely no family support. My father in his mid 70's and barely capable of taking care of himself, a drug addict, alcoholic and undiagnosed mentally ill in a few categories, a schizophrenic sister who appeared this week on a TV specials about problem public housing tenants. My mother is dead, suffering from multiple chronic illnesses and dying at 37. I know nothing about my grandparents on my Dad's side, on my mothers side my grandmother is also schizophrenic, my grandfather dying of bowl cancer in his 30's, leaving behind 4 daughters, 3 of them with either treated for depression or bipolar disorder.

My own bipolar diagnosis has caused no issues for me, except remarkable productiveness, I have seen it have a far more disastrous impact on other people. I think of how happy that couple looked, thinking about them having stable, supportive families and actually excited at the prospect of a child. This all weighs over me when I meet women, I can't hide how much I'm afraid of passing on negative traits, I don't know what it looks like to have a stable, supportive family, I would love to get past this but I don't know how.

[kaliope]

hi wonderlats
i never wanted a family due to the dysfuntion of my own and i didnt want to bring a child up in a world as miserable as my own. i thought i would beat my kids as i was. i didnt even know about the mental illness at the time. but due to the mental illness and self medication with alcohol i became pregnant. i vowed my childrens life would be different. my marriage was a wreck and i raised three kids alone in poverty but they came out great. one is probably bipolar as she was hearing voices in high school. she reports they are gone now and gets manic now and then but not sick like me. i have a friend who got her tubes tied as soon as she could because of what she went thru with her mothers mental illness and she did not want to pass it on. so i see both sides of the coin. i got my daughter help immediately and she knows what to do if she needs help again due to my issues. you can break the cycle and not have to relive the past with your own family. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[healingme4me]

Well, you are already envisioning what affect your upbringing could have. And seriously thinking about family. Not all traits are genetic and not all traits are environment. Children don't come with manuals, yet there's much available to learn from.

I know it's cliché to say, you are still young, yet, you are. Sending positive thoughts your way, that in time, you'll meet someone that sees eye to eye with you, and can embark together in parenting.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[CANDC]

The biggest part of what you pass on is in the heart and nurturing. Don't be so worry about genes. Even an adopted child could allay your fears if you really want that experience.

Welcome to Psych Central. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Wonderlats]

I thought I would bring this thread back rather start a new one.

I told my family I wouldn't have any more contact with my father, the relationship was toxic, anybody who knows him understands it. The best way to describe how I feel about him is that he steals happiness and the only reason I stick around was out of guilt.

I've never told him about friends of mine, girlfriends, my plans for the future, anything good that's happening, he finds a way to turn it into how terrible his life is. I don't want that anymore, I want a family and healthy relationships to be possible!

First step, thanks to the people who responded, this board is a great support, even for a lurker like me