Boyfriends Female Friend

There is no need to be rude and especially to use bad language, some of the words aren't allowed on this board.

I am not sure who you are referring to but I personally advice her to do what's right for her not for someone else on this forum.

I once dated an alcoholic who is a great person but continuously relapsed so I left him. I was told by someone that it's not a big deal he drinks too much and others manage to stay with drunks. The heck what do I care if other women live with alcoholics! I didn't want to!

It's no matter what others are ok with! She needs to do what's ok with her!

Of course nobody knows anyone on here. People can only go by what the posters share

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Well then, I apologize for my lack of manners.

In my eyes, what's right for her is to properly analyze the situation, and come to a rational conclusion. If you had difficulties making friends, and then finally made one, would you really be fine with your partner stepping in and telling you no because of their irrational insecurities?

Sorry, but making a friend and being an alcholic are two very different things. It makes no sense to even compare the two.

I understand that she needs to do what's good for her, but leaving someone after 11 years because they made a friend is no where near a justifiable reason to leave them. That has insecurities written all over it. Do you see what I mean?

Ok ,but that doesn't mean you should look at it in a one sided veiw. Nothing good ever comes from doing things that way.

I brought an example of alcoholic not because I was comparing the two. I was trying to say that people have to do what's right for them, not what's right for others . Especially not for people on anonymous online forums!

She does not need to abruptly leave a person but she needs to address the issue one way or the other. Therapy? Her own or couples? Its not just him doing things but the way he went about it that bothers her. Insecurities or not, Its important to her.

Sure we don't know the guy. But he isn't the one posting here.



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Wow. You make it sound as if she's in a very abusive relationship, which is not the case at all.

Well, that's what I've been saying this entire time, where as you just straight up told her to leave him for making a friend.

So, by your logic, we just shouldn't put his feelings into consideration because he isn't the poster? Please, that's complete nonsense.

Nope. Never said it is abusive. Just that she needs to do what's right for her. We could put his feelings in to consideration if we knew what those feelings were. We do know some of hers as she is the one posting. It would be interesting to know what he feels, I wonder if he would come on here and post.

Overall it is ok to have different views on different subjects. That's how online forums are. You take what you find useful and let go of the rest. It appears to upset you, that isn't my intent. Life us too short and precious to get upset over what anonymous people might think. OP will do what's right for her.

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Bottom line is.. to learn how to be trustful with his actions or this is going to be gut wrenching for her.

He stays in touch with this person because it feels good for whatever reason - may or may not be sexual.

Would be nice if he could find other things he enjoys. She may not be as interesting for him then.

It does hurt when your man is enjoying another woman's company.. conversing, laughing and so on.. the poster probably wants that attention. If you feel more sure of yourself and your relationship this can work itself out... or either of you could possibly head in a direction where the rewards are better.

Is marriage as a commitment important to you? If you are working toward this it's taking a long time.

I'm not about getting married again - I do believe I can have a good relationship with someone without the legal/religious commitment.

Your right to have a therapist help you work this out.

Thanks for your comment. I do want to state my boyfriend is not an abusive person! I grew up with that and would never submit myself to it again. I am also in therapy dealing with a whole boatload of suppressed issues from childhood but our relationship stuff and my insecurity has come up.

I do think most of this is my insecurity but he was at fault with things as well. You are right brainhi, its hard watching your bf/husband/spouse enjoy another womans company. I often feel like I dont make him laugh enough and shes taking over with that. I do wish I got some of that fun interaction instead of oh housework needs to be done /bills need to be paid etc.

Relationships are rough and challenging. Especially long standing ones like I have. We arenokay with n ot being married but yes I want that commitment of a long standing relationship. I want to enjoy each others company and have fun together instead of just plugging away at life while he goes to someone else for the fun part ( which he may or may not be doing but thats how I feel).

I apologise if I didnt explain myself well..I know we all have different opinions and I appreciate them. At the end of the day I love my bf and am looking to move on and deal with this not leave him over. Hopefully Ill figure it out :/

I have a completely different take on this. Which is - why do you want to keep him from something he enjoys? If he was working on a car, would you feel the same way? Try to think of it like that for a while. Pull back from the jealousy aspect of it if you can, just to test it. Is it all jealousy, or is it a time thing, he's not spending enough time with you. If it's the latter, it might be an easy fix - he spends the time with you that you need, and you'll be less insecure about the friend. Worth a try before you do something you regret.

I don't want to keep him from something he enjoys at all. Which is why he has been talking to her for 10 months or so and I haven't put my foot down and said Im not comfortable. That would definitely be unfair of me. I guess it's more my battling my inner demons with this and try and get a feel of what others think. The feelings I have about this make me feel crazy and I don't want to feel that way...I was told that my whole childhood and for me its just confirming that I am.

I dont think I would do something I regret like leaving him or anything...other than hurt his feelings or be so ridiculous over it that he would think Im being a crazy insecure obsessive person.

Sigh...my internal struggles are great but I'm not perfect and he isnt either. He did hurt me with some of it so I guess my feelings are in some way valid?

Your feelings are very much valid and important.

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I'm not a big believer in married or committed people having cross-gender friendships. That seems to come up a lot in these forums, and it seems to mainly cause trouble. If I told my boyfriend that I planned on going for coffee with a man I had recently made "friends" with, he would be none too thrilled. If he knew I was doing this several times a week every month for months on end, he would think it was very wrong. Were he doing something similar, I would sure as heck not be okay with it. Were it on-line or in person, taking up with someone of the opposite sex to the point that you spend private time with them every second day is not appropriate friendship in my book, unless both are single. Of course, that's just me, and no one has to agree. I strongly suspect that lots of people would agree. For those who say they would be just fine with their sig. other having such a "friendship," I would say - talk to us after that actually happens. It's easy to say you're okay with something you're not actually putting up with.

It's normal for couples to be friendly with other couples. There are other circumstances where cross gender friendships occur . . . at work, in the neighborhood, at school. Normally, you see these opposite gender friends in the context of a larger social setting. It never has been "normal" for a man in a committed relationship to be getting together several times per week for one-on-one encounters with a lady friend. Most married or committed men don't spend that much time getting together with their own sisters . . . whether by phone, email, Skype or on-line chat. It's not illegal, but it sure isn't normal, and most people's partners would not appreciate it.

Marley, what's going on with your boyfriend doesn't sound to me like friendship, but more like entertainment. Friends are about caring and sharing. There is a basis in reality for them caring about each other. This chick he talks to tells him about how she likes "threesomes." What kind of "friends" go talking about their bedroom practices? Kinky friends - that's who! But he quickly "shut that down." Since when does anyone have to "shut down" a conversation with a friend because it's inappropriate? Nothing normal about that. And he continues talking with her every other day because she is just so fascinating? They don't work together, or live near each other or share membership in some organization or club . . . but they have to catch up every second day because they just have so, so much to tell each other. Oh yeah, most men just love to have females yacking away at them on a frequent basis. Sure they do.

This broad is flirting with your husband . . . and he is tickled at that. She is playing with him. There's something missing in her life that she's got nothing better to do with her time 3 to 4 times a week. And she's looking for drama. That's why she encouraged your bf to send the photo of you. She knows good and well that she is stirring up strife in someone else's home. She's getting a kick out of that. Yeah, she's got to be a delightful person to have as a buddy. There's something more than a little creepy about her, and your bf is too socially stunted to catch on. That photo of herself that she posted . . . who knows if that is even her?

I'll bet you that a lot of her interest in these chats with your bf is her waiting to hear about you blowing up over them. I know you love the guy, but do you think your bf is really all that fascinating to talk to just to shoot the breeze every other night. She's up to something. I'll bet that, if you totally ignore the whole thing - like act just really bored when he brings it up - she will start to lose interest in these cyber hook ups. She's trying to start trouble in your life (yours and your bf's) and this is a game she's probably played before.

Friendship, my behind! This is about something that has nothing to do with being good buddies. It's creepy.

MarleyCat, please, don't listen to these people.

MarleyCat, try listening to you. It's not true that all your thoughts come from insecurity. There are valid reasons for you to not like this cyber relationship that your bf has gotten into. I won't call it a friendshio because I don't know that it rises to thar level. Every acquaintance doesn't deserve the title of "friend."

You don't have to break up with your boyfriend over this. You don't even have to tell him to stop. (You probably can't control what he does online anyway, and you probably shouldn't even hope to.) But you don't have to pretend to be fine with something that you don't like. When he brings it up, say: "Talk to her all you want, but I'm not interested in having anything to do with her . . . or hearing anything about her. I've got more interesting things to do, like straightening up the kitchen cabinets." Your feelings are valid. Choose your friends . . . . don't let them be chosen for you. And, if on-line friendship isn't your cup of tea, that's your right. And, if you're not interested in being introduced to females your bf finds online, that's also your right. You're not being a spoilsport, or a wet blanket. You're being who you have a right to be - you.

No need to be impolite. Op isn't a child and there is nothing wrong with listening to different opinions and then making up her own. It's not very nice to tell one member not to listen to other member.

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I thank you all again for all your replies. We all have our different opinions and we are all entitled to them. I am trying to see both sides of this but yes there are things I dont like which I know is my right and things I am overreacting about. At the end of the day I will do what I think is right for me, my heart and also my relationship which I am not going to end over this.

I will figure things out in due time but for now be open with my bf about what I dont like, what makes me uncomfortable and trust him as any good relationship should have. Trust her? Lol maybe not but I cant control the people he talks to.

You are very insightful please keep us posted

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