What to do when friend is depressed and so are you...

I've been friends with "A" for about 5 years now and she's always struggled with deep depression. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. For awhile she was doing better and feeling happier, but lately it seems like she's hitting rock bottom again. I'm trying to help her as much as I can, but I also need to make sure I'm not getting overwhelmed. Last time I talked to her, she seemed angry and fed up with life and she was even snapping at me. I keep sending her nice texts but she's barely responding. How do you help a friend through depression when you are struggling yourself? What sort of boundaries should I have? I feel like it's my sole responsibility to help her because she confides in me about everything....

It's not your responsibility. Try to remember that.

I have a friend who's depressive, and we would get in these awful downward spiral conversations. What I decided, without really saying it, is not to respond to negative things. We talk about very superficial or lighthearted things only. If the conversation starts to go south, we end it. We feed on each other too much to let it go. It sounds impossible, and it's really hard to fight the instinct to be hurt or to try to argue with someone who's depressed, but with a little practice, we got the hang of it. You could try it.

I do feel like it's my responsibility because I'm the only one that knows how bad she's feeling... She hasn't been answering my calls or texts lately so I think she's isolating herself now. Should I tell her that I'm going to have someone check on her if she doesn't get back to me? I tried calling a counselor she used to talk to but they just said they'd try to text her. I'd rather have her be mean to me then to shut me out completely...

Can you go see her? Just bringing her a coffee and sitting there silently, reading a book or something, can do wonders.

I think I will stop by her place tomorrow. She lives with her family and they are the reason she's depressed. Would it piss her off if I came by unannounced? Or should I text her and tell her that I'm going to come by...

The main person responsible for helping you friend is your friend, herself. Is she seeing a doctor, or a counselor? Don't be an enabler by letting her depend solely on you. Depressed people are prone to over-rely on others. (I know cause I can get that way.) A counselor who isn't currently seeing her will have very little interest in contacting her.

I think hpocus offers some wise advice.

I agree, she does tend to rely on me the most for emotional support. She used to see a counselor, but not anymore. Reality is, she is a grown adult and knows that isolating herself and not seeing a counselor are going to make her feel worse, but I can't make her do those things.She's gotten into some bad situations in the past because of her depression and I'm just afraid of her doing it again. I will try to go by her house tomorrow and see how that goes. If she doesn't answer, then I will just let her know I'm here, but I'm not going to keep pushing her to talk to me.

You're a good friend, pugs.

If living with her family is what's making her depressed, then you have to expect she will have bouts like this on a recurring basis. It doesn't sound like she has enough self-reliance to get into a independent living situation. So she will keep getting unhappy. Depression often comes from feeling you have a problem that you don't believe you can do anything about.

Take care of yourself. That's your main responsibility.

Thank you Rose76 I'm doing all I can and hopefully she will respond soon. I will update here if I go by her house this weekend.

Now I'm starting to second guess if I should stop by her house tomorrow... it's only been a few days since we talked.. is it too soon? I'm afraid she's going to react in a bad way. I've been thinking too much about this and it's giving me anxiety now.

Never mind. She texted me and said she was good, but I don't fully believe her. She was getting some attitude with me though. I asked if she wanted to hang out this weekend, but she said she had a paper due on Monday. I just said ok well call me if you need to take a break. I get the feeling that she doesn't want to be bothered right now. I'll continue to send her nice texts and call, but it's hard when she's acting like I'm over reacting.

I wish there was a coffee delivery service. I have a friend I'd send a coffee to this second. Like flowers, or pizza, but flowers.

If it was me, I'd still drop in to say hi.

i think for the both of you you should text her that you'll be coming over. then she can prepare and you can stop worrying. good luck

I texted her and said I'd be happy to bring coffee or keep her company if she wants a break from working on her paper. No response yet.

Then go with the option of calling her by phone. Tell her you've been concerned and wonder would she like a visit. This way you're not pushing yourself on her. If she indicates she's not up to receiving you, you can respect that, yet tell her you'll check in with her next week. This way she knows you are thinking about her and will get back to her. It gives her something to look forward to and reassurance that you are not giving up on her.

Being with her family makes her situation less dangerous than if she were holed up all alone.

By telephoning her, you give her more control over the interaction.

I recently ended a friendship which had some similarity to your situation. I was the other friend. Over the past several months I've been spiraling downward. I knew I needed help but for several reasons I had not sought any. I would talk to my friend not about my depression but about things that were happening with my family. She would always tell me to talk to God. She wouldn't answer my calls and told me to email or text her. I felt like I was burdening her so I pulled back to light & fluffy conversation only like t.v. shows. I was not able to really judge the situation and I wish she would have been more open with me. She could have said she wasn't able to help or support me the way I needed. She could have encouraged me to see a therapist. It would have made me feel better about our friendship.

There were other reasons our friendship ended. The final straw came on my birthday. She sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday and that she was sorry she was so busy and couldn't call. I texted back "Thank you for your kindness! I appreciate you thinking of me!" She responded "WTF do you mean thank you for your kindness? Who do you think you're talking to?". It was all down hill from there.

This is always tricky. When I was really struggling, sometimes, it was hard to respond to friends as well. I did not want to do things with them to cheer me up... I did not want them to worry. I could not do with things with them to make them feel better. Mind you I was getting support for my mental health.

I had to be honest and tell them thank you for thinking of me but I am just not up to it. I did not "take out" my depression on them. I understand that they would want some response to know I am alright.

The best thing someone emailed me was - I know your are not feeling well right now. I hope it does not last very long this time. I am here if you need me.