[sacman]

My bf and I have been seeing each other for 8 months. He was living with his former bf but their relationship had declined to essentially being roommates, and he was interested in moving on. He lived in the Bay Area, I lived in the Central Valley. We spent every weekend together. A few months ago, after several months of discussion and planning, we decided we'd move in together in a new community that was centrally located to both of our jobs. He called it "a new chapter" for both us and said he loved me and was excited to have me in his life. As he was recovering from the financial outcomes of a divorce a couple years back, I agreed to put the down payment on the house and he agreed he'd pay for half of all of the household expenses once we settled in. I moved in late April, while he moved in late May.

Within a week of moving in, I saw a very different person -- whereas our weekends prior were filled with fun, conversation, great sex, and interesting outings, I came home from work following his move to find him essentially just shut down after the work day. He was irritated by my dogs (not a dog fan) and wanted them outside all the time. He would spend most of his time texting friends, and would go to bed at 9p when I didn't get home until 7:30 (he went to bed later when we were dating). Within a week of moving in, he said he thought he preferred his old community (San Francisco) as it was more exciting, diverse and vibrant, and that he thought he'd feel better if he were back there -- we could go back to seeing each other on weekends. I was crushed, of course, because for 7 months we'd talked about taking this to the next level eventually, and the move was a lot of work on my part, as well as a financial hit. Needless to say, things were tense for the time following that discussion. Sex was non existent and he was distant. The following weekend he said he felt more uncomfortable and when I asked why he wasn't physical anymore he said he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, and that he'd jumped into the transition too quickly. Of course, that just made things more awkward. This progressed for the next two weeks, and he announced he was considering moving at the end of the month (one month in). I told him I expected him to figure out a financial solution because I had purchased the house with an expectation of two incomes supporting the mortgage, and he couldn't just walk away and expect me to absorb it. He said I could get a roommate. I reminded him I moved her to start this new life with him and not to have a roommate, and further that there were improvements to the house that were necessary that were all assumed to be financed by our 2 incomes. My mortgage would cost me 2x what it did at my previous house if I had to assume his half. It seems the more I told him he had a responsibility, the more he opted to leave. Sure enough, last weekend while I was at work, he texted me and cancelled concert plans we had made 4 months ago (the day before the concert -- at a loss of $$$ for tickets and airfare), and said he would probably move on Saturday. Instead, Friday, since he'd taken it off for the concert, he texted me while I was at work and said he'd decided to pack early. When I got home, he was gone. I've not heard from him since. This was 4 days before the house payment was due, so he only made one payment to me (and that didn't include utilities).

I know this may be for the best. I'm not sure he ever planned to really be here for long -- he apparently never told friends he'd moved (we have joint friends who never knew he'd moved in with me). He never transferred his mail to the new house, and each time I talked about getting some new drawers so that he could fully unpack some bags, he never wanted to pursue it.

That said, I'm having a lot of difficulty with this. While he, according to what I've heard, moved right back to his old place with his "ex" boyfriend, I'm 90 miles from any of the friends I had in my old community. He's likely gone back to paying the same "rent" he paid before, while I'm now on the hook for 2x my usual mortgage and all the utilities -- 2 months into the new home ownership that was predicated on this new chapter for both of us. I know nobody in this community and I'm very introverted, so I'm not the type to go to restaurants or movies or activities on my own -- I have a handful of close friends and they all now live relatively far away. I moved to this community to start our new life together and explore the area together. Further, a number of the improvements to the house made to date were based on his input (new TVs mounted and a cable contract--for sports channels-- that I didn't care about), paint colors he wanted, and I can't afford to buy more furniture to make the house comfortable since I have to pay the full house payment now. So I'm in a home I don't enjoy now, in a community I don't want to be in alone, and away from any support system, all while processing that somebody that for 7+ months told me he loved me and wanted a future together now says he doesn't and walked away with my to pay for it.

I can't sell the house quickly -- even if I could get what I paid for it I would be out $30-40k in commissions. I can't move back to my old place because I leased it out for a year. And while I can stay and pay the house payment, I'll be paying at least an additional $18k this year in housing costs picking up his side of the expenses -- which means I won't be able to enjoy any of the usual things I like such as dining out, travel, etc. I know my limits -- and writing a check each month for his part of the costs, declining invitations to eat, forgoing vacations, etc. will chip away at my mental well-being. I'm inclined to sell the house at a loss just so I can be done with it and call it a mistake rather than revisit it every month or every time I need to buy something and can't afford to.

Thoughts for how to process this and move on?

[divine1966]

I seriously had tears in my eyes reading this. This is so hard on you and I am very sorry. I send you hugs

I don't know what to advice about the house as I am not house owner but maybe get a roommate for now to pay some bills until you make s decision. Or sell it and deal with a loss. Start new chapter yourself and forget about this. Money is just that. You have family who can advice you?

You'll eventually meet people and a new partner. It will take some time to heal . But it will happen . You sound like a great person and wonderful partner . What happened says a lot about him not you. You are still that same good person

I think you already know that but in your future dating experiences it is wise to take things slower, moving together is a big deal and should take longer to decide. Don't buy property unless legally married or have legal financial obligations. Don't have verbal agreements. If move together either rent or move into property already Owned by one person. Don't buy together Until there is formal commitment or at least some legal commitment of sorts


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