[dreamshatterer]

I wanted your guys opinion if you think women and men can be just platonic friends without any type of feelings getting involved. I have a situation where a female friend of mine might be building up feelings for me. I've known her for 4 years now but in the past year or year and a half we've gotten really close. She considers me as her best friend and we talk everyday. From The moment I first met her I always liked her. I tried dating her but because she loves our friendship she feels like if we did date that it would ruin the friendship. She also says she's not looking to date anybody because of work and college and she just has a lot going on that she doesn't have time to date. One thing I found a little confusing though is that she always tells me that she loves me (almost everyday), she tells me she loves talking to me and she feels like our friendship should never change even if regardless one of us end up dating someone else. Now the way I feel about our friendship is that it's not going to last. Either two things might happen, either we end up dating because we're so close or the friendship might end if one of us date someone else (well not exactly end but we're going to have to tone it down with talking everyday all the time). I actually brought that to her attention one day by asking her if she ever wondered where our friendship might end up going. The way I felt about it is that if she was to start dating again and ends up getting a boyfriend then I would basically have to start leaving the picture because of two reasons, 1. because you have a boyfriend and I'm doing it out of respect for the other guy and number 2 because you knew how I felt about you and your still going to date someone else so now I feel I got played a little bit. She then said thats exactly why I'm not dating anybody. She also feels like there should be a certain level of trust in relationships and guys should trust her even if she talks to me everyday or any other guy friend for that matter and when guys start acting like they don't trust her that it shows how insecure they are. Sometimes I feel like their's something there that she's not telling me like as if maybe she does want to date me but just not right now. Also one thing I forgot to mention is that she plans on moving soon and I have a room at my house that I was planning on renting out and she says she wants to move in and likes the idea if we were roommates. what are your guy's opinion on all of this? I'm looking forward to everyones advice.

[Dog on a Tree]

Hello there, do you think it's you that's reading too much into it? I mean it happens alot where the lady is really nice, etc and the guy reads that as the lady being into them but when really it's the lady being nice and caring.
Also you seem to have feelings for her and perhaps you want something to happen between you two?
I think it's either she genuinely see's you as a best friend or she may be worried about getting into a relationship with you because of what it would do to the friendship but she has feelings for you as well?
I had a friend who said I love you but she meant in a sisterly/friendship way, so don't read into that when she says she loves you because it's in a friendship way

Also this is not directed at you but at society in general, why do we have this weird perception that friendship is a level below a romantic relationship? In my eyes there equal, just like the relationship you have with your siblings, family, friends, etc
So yes to me absolutely guys and girls can be friends, etc otherwise incest would be on the rampage as well as other things.

[Webgoji]

In answer to the OP, yes. Men and women can be just friends.

Often it seems like stuff gets weird though and that sounds like where your friendship is going; to the weird zone. It sounds like there's a tension there that can make a normal friendship awkward because one or both of you are feeling a little romantically interested in the there.

[matsurikafarra]

Of course, men and women can be just friends as long as there is no secret feelings to each other. Maybe they just value there friendship as much as relationship. But scientist believe that it's impossible for men and women to be just friends.

I'd say yeah they can be just friends.

I think sooner or later the boundaries have to be discussed though so both friends (and any others involved) know where they stand. It sounds to me like you're a little unclear of the boundaries because of some of her behaviours and actions. Might be good to ask for clarification, if she's a good friend she won't mind.

[Creative ToFu]

She's made it very clear she sees you as a friend and has told you that several times. She said you are her best friend and the love she speaks of, in context to everything else she has said, is love in a friendship way. She has tried to be gentle with you, because you are friends, but you are reading things into her actions (probably because it is you that has romantic feelings.) I say this because...
You wanted to date her in the beginning and she said no.
You are wondering where the friendship is going when a friendship can be a final destination many times.
You are thinking you are being played if she dates someone else in spite of her knowing you have feelings for her.

You say you think she is developing feelings for you, but based on what you wrote, the only one with romantic feelings, is you.

To answer the question of whether or not you can have platonic friendship with the opposite sex, the answer is yes. But only if one of you aren't pining for the other. So in your case, however the relationship proceeds, you will be hurt because she only wants friendship, you want more. If anyone is playing anyone, it is you because you continue to pine away for her hoping for more, when she is only looking for friendship.

[arundelle]

Yes, they can be "just friends."

It sounds like you guys are blurring the line. Tell her it's jamming your brain to constantly hear she loves you. It's nice and all, but it means something different to you than her, and it's making you uncomfortable. Is it possible to tell her that?

[Dan208]

Yes, they can. I would have no problem if my wife had a male best friend.

I have a female best friend that I love with my whole heart. I trust her so much that she's only one of two or three people that I've told about my mental health issues. Earlier this week she moved back home, over 1000 miles away. I'm still having a hard time dealing with it, but we text each other every day so that kind of helps me deal with it.

[dreamshatterer]

Ok, how do you feel about this? Do you think this is kind of odd? She feels like if I was to date someone that I should tell them about her because we are so close. So lets say I'm dating someone and everything is good but she doesn't like it that i'm talking to my best friend everyday. My best friend feels like I shouldn't date that person because she should be able to trust me. But how I look at it is like it doesn't mean you and I can stop being friends we're just going have to have to slow down a little bit but she just feels like no, you don't have to date them. She say she would do the same for me.

[Creative ToFu]

It seems like you should discuss this with her and be honest and upfront with your feelings of wanting more in the relationship and not liking the friendship in how she wishes it should be. If you are not happy with the status quo of the current relationship and how she defines it, you can either negotiate or leave. It's like that with all relationships. All relationships are a give and take situation that are defined by each other. It isn't about what we think is a right or wrong way to be friends, it is what you both want and need.

It sounds like being her friend, in the way she wants, isn't making you happy. But do I think it comes down to you are wishing for more and looking for any clues she feels the same way about you and if not, you are not interested in being a friend and are looking for away out of it. Unrequited love hurts. If you are as good as friends as you say, you should talk to her about this honestly. It isn't just what she wants, what you want is as important.

Since she isn't available for dating or for anything other than a friendship, why not open your schedule up a little more for some dating?

Originally Posted by dreamshatterer

Ok, how do you feel about this? Do you think this is kind of odd? She feels like if I was to date someone that I should tell them about her because we are so close. So lets say I'm dating someone and everything is good but she doesn't like it that i'm talking to my best friend everyday. My best friend feels like I shouldn't date that person because she should be able to trust me. But how I look at it is like it doesn't mean you and I can stop being friends we're just going have to have to slow down a little bit but she just feels like no, you don't have to date them. She say she would do the same for me.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by matsurikafarra

Of course, men and women can be just friends as long as there is no secret feelings to each other. Maybe they just value there friendship as much as relationship. But scientist believe that it's impossible for men and women to be just friends.

And of course when "friends" with no romantic feelings spend time together and share their feelings and communicate on an emotionally intimate level, guess what happens? Things do what they always do--they change.

I think men and women can be friends, but only if they don't have feelings for each other. If they do, then it's not what I think would be a normal friendship.

Here are a couple of articles on this that might help:
Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-just-friends

These articles show that men probably tend to perceive a woman's friendliness as flirting, and the feelings they feel towards their female friend are mutual, whereas women are more likely to be unaware of a male friend's feelings towards them. However, this definitely isn't true for everyone, so it's just something to consider.

I can tell you care about your friend, so I hope things go well.

[ChipperMonkey]

Yes, men and women can most definitely be friends.

BUT.....!

In your case, she's crossing that friend line by telling you every day that she loves you. If it was just a friend sort of love, I could see saying it ONCE like "hey, you mean a lot to me and I love you as a friend." and leaving it at that. But saying it every single day is taking it too far.

I don't think you're reading too much into all of this. Your friend is blurring the lines. She seems to want that emotional intimacy without the sexual part. (Cuz lets face it, it sounds like the sexual part is all that's missing in your relationship with her, right?)

If you get a girlfriend, things will probably go haywire with your friend. I wouldn't advise moving in with her because honestly, as a female myself, I would NEVER get involved with a guy who lives with his best friend who tells him every day that she loves him, but both are just insisting its just a friendship. That would be drama-rama right there!

If she is only a friend, things will have to end with her if you have any prayer of wanting a close relationship.....close sexual relationship.....with a female in the future. Yes, men and women CAN be friends, but your friendship would not be good for either one of you once you get involved with other people because there is no clear "friend" boundary line. (And the line has already been crossed, so even going back....it probably wouldn't work.)

Yes they can be friends. It is hard when one of you has feelings for the other that is "more than" friendship but I have seen even this can work. It is not for everyone. Ask yourself if you would be comfortable talking with her about her new boyfriend? Will you be happy for her? Would such a conversation bring you down so low that you are wallowing in it after she goes home? If the answer is yes then you cannot handle being friends with her. If you believe you can be supportive of her in a new relationship (like any friend would) then you can certainly give it a shot. You will know if your feelings for her are getting in the way of the friendship. If that happens you will have to end the close relationship you two have. Perhaps keep in touch via text and not see each other. Or see each other rarely.

If you stay friends, I would not recommend that you rent your room out to her. This is inviting the end of your relationship for sure. I don't see how you could tolerate if she brings guys back to her room. Better to keep her at a safe distance where you are forced to make time for each other and not take it for granted that the other one will be there because you're living in the same house.

[dreamshatterer]

That's why I get a funny feeling from her like as if she wants something more than just friends with me but just not right now. Like as if she's putting me on the waiting list when she's ready. I always feel like theres something there that she's not telling me. One day when I mentioned to her about our friendship and I told her if she ever thought where it might go, she started bringing up things like maybe the love she's looking for doesn't exist and things like that she'll never find the right guy and so I told her yeah I'm not going to find the right girl for me either and then I ended it with oh well I don't need anybody anyway. It's more better that way. She then said is that how you truly feel? then I said yeah with the way my whole thing is set up I might as well just stay single for the rest of my life. Then she says well I'm glad you feel that way and then I told her, Did I just piss you off? and she completely changes the subject.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Yes, men and women can most definitely be friends.

BUT.....!

In your case, she's crossing that friend line by telling you every day that she loves you. If it was just a friend sort of love, I could see saying it ONCE like "hey, you mean a lot to me and I love you as a friend." and leaving it at that. But saying it every single day is taking it too far.

I don't think you're reading too much into all of this. Your friend is blurring the lines. She seems to want that emotional intimacy without the sexual part. (Cuz lets face it, it sounds like the sexual part is all that's missing in your relationship with her, right?)

If you get a girlfriend, things will probably go haywire with your friend. I wouldn't advise moving in with her because honestly, as a female myself, I would NEVER get involved with a guy who lives with his best friend who tells him every day that she loves him, but both are just insisting its just a friendship. That would be drama-rama right there!

If she is only a friend, things will have to end with her if you have any prayer of wanting a close relationship.....close sexual relationship.....with a female in the future. Yes, men and women CAN be friends, but your friendship would not be good for either one of you once you get involved with other people because there is no clear "friend" boundary line. (And the line has already been crossed, so even going back....it probably wouldn't work.)

[dreamshatterer]

Also another thing. She sometimes gets mad when I don't text her the whole day or when a couple days go by. Whats your opinion on that?

[arundelle]

Originally Posted by mountain human

And of course when "friends" with no romantic feelings spend time together and share their feelings and communicate on an emotionally intimate level, guess what happens? Things do what they always do--they change.

There's nothing wrong with change. To grow, you need change. It doesn't automatically mean that it will become romantic. You could change and become business partners, for example.

[arundelle]

Originally Posted by dreamshatterer

Also another thing. She sometimes gets mad when I don't text her the whole day or when a couple days go by. Whats your opinion on that?

You have set up an expectation in the friendship and have broken it. Why wouldn't she be upset? Do you think that you're the only one who's attached? Are you the only one who's happy to hear from the other?

I think if it's a problem for you that she gets angry, that you should talk to her about it. Tell her, I write when something happens I think you'd be interested in. I'm not going to bore you with the details of a boring day. Or whatever is going on - you don't want to talk to her when you're mad because you might say something you don't mean. Whatever it is. Be honest.

If she has a reason for your change, if she can prepare for it, then she won't be thinking to herself, "oh what have I done now?" Probably she's mad because when you didn't text, it made her feel bad, and she's mad at you for her feeling bad. In truth, it has nothing to do with you, but to her, I think, it doesn't feel that way.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by arundelle

There's nothing wrong with change. To grow, you need change. It doesn't automatically mean that it will become romantic. You could change and become business partners, for example.

Yes, that was my point. Change is inevitable in everything, especially human relationships...what they have today will evolve over time into something else...could be worse, or better, but it will change.

[dreamshatterer]

Do you think it might be feelings she could be building up?

Originally Posted by arundelle

You have set up an expectation in the friendship and have broken it. Why wouldn't she be upset? Do you think that you're the only one who's attached? Are you the only one who's happy to hear from the other?

I think if it's a problem for you that she gets angry, that you should talk to her about it. Tell her, I write when something happens I think you'd be interested in. I'm not going to bore you with the details of a boring day. Or whatever is going on - you don't want to talk to her when you're mad because you might say something you don't mean. Whatever it is. Be honest.

If she has a reason for your change, if she can prepare for it, then she won't be thinking to herself, "oh what have I done now?" Probably she's mad because when you didn't text, it made her feel bad, and she's mad at you for her feeling bad. In truth, it has nothing to do with you, but to her, I think, it doesn't feel that way.

[Rose76]

This gal likes you a lot because you are a good friend to her. You are someone she can really talk to and she wants to have that always available. But she's not turned on by you, and that won't change. All that talk about how she just doesn't want to date anyone is complete baloney. She might even believe it, but if a guy came along who floated her boat, she'ld be excited about it. That's not something that anyone can totally control.

Everything you say is realistic. Don't make any promises to her and don't believe any she makes to you. No one knows for sure how their future decisions will be affected by falling in love. I think she's holding on to you as a security blanket, which I don't think is all that nice. Being so involved with her may be getting in the way of you finding a real significant other.

Your friendship with her is meeting needs she has much more thsn it's meeting your needs.

To your question, I would answer, "Not usually."

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Yes, but I think there's often that chance for feelings to arise; frankly, I'm all for this natural connection to develop and think it's far more important than a more contrived connection.

[arundelle]

It's great when good friends become more than that! There's no worry that some random quirk will scare the other off.

But - it definitely doesn't happen all the time.

[dreamshatterer]

Heres another question. Do you guys believe that when a guy and girl consider each other best friends that if they start dating they can have a great relationship?

I believe being best friends is essential for a great relationship.