[Shadix]

I have asked on here about approaching a girl at the gym, and was told it is inappropriate to approach girls at the gym. I recently saw a guy ask about approaching a girl who works at a coffee shop, and he was told it was inappropriate to approach girls when they are working. Well, the funny thing is, nearly all the cute girls I come across in my daily life are either at the gym or working at restaurants, coffee shops, hookah bars, etc. that I go to. I don't do bars and clubs and I am not meeting girls through my small social circle. I don't do online dating because I believe most women who go online to meet men are looking for something serious. So what else is there? Are we just not meant to have options after we are out of school?

Also, I curious, what is so wrong about approaching a barista or a waitress? Yeah sure she might not like it if she isn't interested, but could the same thing be said for any woman anywhere? If I show interested in a girl within my social circle, wouldn't it also be awkward and uncomfortable if she doesn't like it?

[divine1966]

No one said it's inappropriate to approach girls in gym. It's inappropriate staring at them or constantly bothering them if they clearly aren't up to it but asking out is just fine

Only one person said she thought it's inappropriate asking baristas out. I think it's ok. I just think it's naive to think they like you because they smile. But one can ask

You were talking about this girl in your gym for like a year now. Why aren't you asking her out?

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You can go to social events which is the most appropriate time to socialize. There's meet-up groups, community groups, churches etc. that have social events outside of bars. You could always strike up a conversation with someone in a coffee shop, a grocery store, a book store, etc. You could also take some classes for fun and meet someone there. I met my SO when I went back to grad school, for example.

The reason it's less appropriate to approach girls when they're working, in my opinion is because:
1. They need to concentrate on their job.
2. It's a little rude to the other customers that you're taking up their time and distracting them, causing the service to be slower to other customers.
3. They're getting paid to do their job, not to fraternize unnecessarily with customers.

For most of these things it isn't really black and white whats appropriate or not. Because of the nature of one of my jobs, it wouldn't be appropriate to approach me in such a fashion because I need to concentrate on my job (I'm responsible for special ed kids and their safety and that needs my full attention). For my other job as a musician, I wouldn't mind as much and it would be appropriate and just part of the job. It wouldn't get them very far since I'm taken, but it would be more appropriate at the second job.

[A Red Panda]

It's ok to ask women out from meeting them at the gym or restaurants - you just have to pay attention to not end up bothering her, as she isn't there with the purpose of meeting others.

Honestly - online dating seems like the best bet for you. The superficial appearance bit will be done easily - women who aren't interested in how you look will not respond to you, and alternately, you don't need to reply to anyone whom you don't find attractive. You can also easily see who is interested in what. It's pretty much always stated on the site what someone is looking for. So your idea that women only want long-term relationships is false.

You really, honestly, need to broaden your outlook. You keep painting all women one way, despite plenty of women telling you that you are wrong.

Regardless of anything.... you will never, ever, have a date if you don't start asking people out that you're interested in. Just take a risk and ask someone out. Sure, they may say no; sure, they may even be offended that you approached them in a situation where they weren't wanting any attention. But, not everyone is the same. It's sort of how life works - it's complicated, annoying, and there are pretty much zero tried-and-true ways to get the results that you want. It's all about taking risks.

[CopperStar]

So you're not looking for a serious relationship? What exactly are you looking for? A few dates is not a serious relationship, either. a few dates is meant to let two people get to know each other a bit and see if there is mutual chemistry going on. It doesn't evolve into something serious unless there is mutual interest after a while of dating. So are you just looking for basically a friend with benefits?

[avlady]

i remember being a waitress and enjoyed the fact i was being checked out, but i couldn't concentrate on my work to talk to them. therefore i would just have to ignore their advances. it was fun though.

[scorpiosis37]

I think you're severely limiting your options if you don't try online dating or meetup groups. If you don't want serious, then try something like Tinder, which is more of a hookup app. Try a meetup group specifically for singles.

One of the downsides of asking out people you see at the gym or the coffee shop is that you don't actually know anything about them other than what tHey look like. So it's a pretty superficial thing at best. You don't know their personality, if they're single, if they want to be approached, etc. And all they know about you is that you were watching them and thought they were hot-- it's not about their personality, intelligence, chemistry, etc. So that can be an instant turn off. I realize that women are different and not every woman feels the way I do-- but I do find it intrusive when I get hit on in public. It happens AT LEAST three times a week. I'll be going about my business, get approached by some guy who I didn't even notice was watching me, and then I'll have to find a polite way of saying "no" because, if I'm too assertive, I get called a b****. I'm not married, but I actually wear a ring on my ring finger in an effort to prevent getting hit on-- but it doesn't work. And I do call it getting hit on because men flag me down, while I am actively walking or shopping or lifting weights, they get me to stop what I am doing so they can deliver a pick up line, and even after I say "no thank you" they usually try to get me to change my mind or listen to a longer pitch. It takes time out of my day, makes me uncomfortable, and makes me not want to go out in public as much because I dread it. I wish there was a way to put a sign on myself that said "don't talk to me; I'm busy." Half the time, the guys will tell me that they thought I was giving them a look or a smile or something. I definitely wasn't, but they seem to see what they want to see. It makes me not want to smile or be friendly to strangers because they only take it as romantic encouragement. I think if men had any clue at all about how much this happens to women and what it feels like, they would act differently.

[divine1966]

The thing is that unless you looking for a trashy hook up most girls/women of any age are looking for love and relationship. Sure it doesn't mean they need to get married right away but they aren't looking for casual stuff. Your idea of some superficial flings is just unrealistic. It doesn't matter if they are 18 or 30 or 50, decent women don't look for casual

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[Shadix]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

So you're not looking for a serious relationship? What exactly are you looking for? A few dates is not a serious relationship, either. a few dates is meant to let two people get to know each other a bit and see if there is mutual chemistry going on. It doesn't evolve into something serious unless there is mutual interest after a while of dating. So are you just looking for basically a friend with benefits?

I am looking for the enjoyment of being with a girl I am infatuated with. I have spent my entire life getting crushes on girls and watching other guys talk to them while I do nothing. I think it's time for a new era, that's all.

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by divine1966

The thing is that unless you looking for a trashy hook up most girls/women of any age are looking for love and relationship. Sure it doesn't mean they need to get married right away but they aren't looking for casual stuff. Your idea of some superficial flings is just unrealistic. It doesn't matter if they are 18 or 30 or 50, decent women don't look for casual

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Well, you are thinking casual sex. But lots of women, especially younger ones, do just have casual relationships with guys they are infatuated with. Often times they don't call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, but they are obviously attracted to each other and enjoy each other's company for that reason. Trust me, I know this because I have an 18 year old brother.

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think you're severely limiting your options if you don't try online dating or meetup groups. If you don't want serious, then try something like Tinder, which is more of a hookup app. Try a meetup group specifically for singles.

One of the downsides of asking out people you see at the gym or the coffee shop is that you don't actually know anything about them other than what tHey look like. So it's a pretty superficial thing at best. You don't know their personality, if they're single, if they want to be approached, etc. And all they know about you is that you were watching them and thought they were hot-- it's not about their personality, intelligence, chemistry, etc. So that can be an instant turn off. I realize that women are different and not every woman feels the way I do-- but I do find it intrusive when I get hit on in public. It happens AT LEAST three times a week. I'll be going about my business, get approached by some guy who I didn't even notice was watching me, and then I'll have to find a polite way of saying "no" because, if I'm too assertive, I get called a b****. I'm not married, but I actually wear a ring on my ring finger in an effort to prevent getting hit on-- but it doesn't work. And I do call it getting hit on because men flag me down, while I am actively walking or shopping or lifting weights, they get me to stop what I am doing so they can deliver a pick up line, and even after I say "no thank you" they usually try to get me to change my mind or listen to a longer pitch. It takes time out of my day, makes me uncomfortable, and makes me not want to go out in public as much because I dread it. I wish there was a way to put a sign on myself that said "don't talk to me; I'm busy." Half the time, the guys will tell me that they thought I was giving them a look or a smile or something. I definitely wasn't, but they seem to see what they want to see. It makes me not want to smile or be friendly to strangers because they only take it as romantic encouragement. I think if men had any clue at all about how much this happens to women and what it feels like, they would act differently.

Interesting. It might be where you live or something, because I have not noticed that happening at all here. I see tons of cute girls at the gym, and I can't say I've ever seen a girl get randomly approached by a guy. I actually watch pretty closely for this kind of thing since I am curious about how interactions between guys and girls work.

However, I think that the reason guys are behaving the way you describe is likely because they are starved for female companionship. Like I said, it seems to be nearly impossible for most men to find dating opportunities after college. So guys often get desperate. Personally I think it is perfectly ok as long as they are not too aggressive about it and back off when the girl makes it clear she isn't interested.

Personally I don't like online dating. It feels unnatural. And I feel like most women on those sites would be dating me because they are looking for a husband or something, not because they are just infatuated with me and enjoy being with me.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Shadix

Well, you are thinking casual sex. But lots of women, especially younger ones, do just have casual relationships with guys they are infatuated with. Often times they don't call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, but they are obviously attracted to each other and enjoy each other's company for that reason. Trust me, I know this because I have an 18 year old brother.

You are still trying to understand the world by what other people do or might do or feel, like now it's what your 18 year old brother does or what some girls like. If you never dated you have no ways to know.

If you expect to date a woman of any age and not be a boyfriend/ girlfriend you are going to be dumped by her in few months or sooner

What you describe is what high school kids do. Anyone past that wouldn't go for it

Just ask someone out already or do online dating. You talk so much about hypothetical situation yet do nothing. Go to co-Ed meetups or do online dating. Talk to your therapist. Do something

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[divine1966]

I had to comment on you repeating word infatuation. Why would they be infatuated? Shouldn't they like you as a person?

Why do you say men are desperate? No they are not. It's not that difficult for young man or pretty much any man to find a woman. But if one is shy that's when they use other venues such as online dating or other etc etc

men hit one me all the time when I was younger. And they always hit on my daughter. Men of any age. She is married now but before they did all the time. That's like a running joke. We are decent looking but not like models or anything.

In fact we had this talk with my daughters brides maids how guys hit on them. Two of the girls are lesbians and two others are in relationships and none is drop dead gorgeous just nice looking yet guys always ask them out.

That slows down with age of course . But men do ask women out!

Definitely at 27 you should

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[A Red Panda]

Goodness Shadix!

NOT ALL WOMEN WANT TO GET IMMEDIATELY MARRIED.

I'm sorry, but I just needed to put that into all capitals because I think you totally fail to read anything that doesn't fit your frankly, rather sexist, assumptions.

The best way to find casual encounters is online. Or at a club if you just want a 1 night stand, which doesn't seem to be what you want.

Online, on sites like OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Match, etc, you'll find plenty of women aren't looking for anything serious.

Even if they are in the long run... no one starts a relationship going "I am going to make this guy marry me!". No, instead, they want to get to know you - which is that whole casual thing you want. Either they will break things off with you when they find out you're not what they want or that the relationship won't develop how they want... or they'll be happy with how it is... or you'll decide to end it.

To help give you some more evidence - I know multiple women, in their 30s, and homeowners with good careers... who do not ever wish to get married. They want relationships, but they are both clear on the fact that the men they get involved with will NEVER move in with them.

You need to drop your preconceived false assumptions about women.

And just because you don't notice men blatantly hitting on women and being inappropriate does not mean it doesn't happen frequently. You are not the recipient of it, so no matter how much you think you're paying attention and watching them (which is kinda creepy and would likely turn off any women who notice that behaviour).

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

And just because you don't notice men blatantly hitting on women and being inappropriate does not mean it doesn't happen frequently. You are not the recipient of it, so no matter how much you think you're paying attention and watching them (which is kinda creepy and would likely turn off any women who notice that behaviour).

Thank-you for this. It's impossible for a man (who does not experience this) to understand how often it happens and what it feels like. My sister and I have even tried to explain this to our dad and he just doesn't get it. I'll be out to dinner with my dad, a man will approach me on my way to the bathroom, I will tell him to leave me alone, sit back down with my dad, and he'll say "but i didn't see anything." Men will usually approach women like this when she's alone or when she is in a group of other women, without other men around. Men often don't see (or notice) other men doing it. Or, the guy will act so friendly others will think that he knows her, but he doesn't. My sister is visiting me now and it's only early afternoon and we've already been approached twice by men. Once on our way from the car to the restaurant, and once at the restaurant, while walking to the bathroom. I do not live in a big city and I do not go to clubs. I'm a lesbian and my sister is in a serious relationship, and we both wear rings to try and deter this kind of thing. if you think this doesn't happen or its not a big deal or you sympathize with these guys making their approaches to women who are clearly trying to avoid them, that's because you are a man and you have never experienced what it feels like.

[Shadix]

Ok fair enough. But at the same time, it is impossible for an attractive woman who has no trouble finding desirable partners to date to understand where I am coming from. I'm sure it sucks to get approached my men constantly, but it also sucks to watch other guys enjoy the dating scene while you miss out because you have no way of meeting women. We are gonna have to agree to disagree on this one.

[Shadix]

Also, I think men going to the other extreme and always shying away from women can be detrimental to shy heterosexual women. Shy girls are not going to approach men, so naturally they want men to approach them.

Originally Posted by Shadix

Ok fair enough. But at the same time, it is impossible for an attractive woman who has no trouble finding desirable partners to date to understand where I am coming from. I'm sure it sucks to get approached my men constantly, but it also sucks to watch other guys enjoy the dating scene while you miss out because you have no way of meeting women. We are gonna have to agree to disagree on this one.

Look, I understand what it's like. I'm female and I'm never hit on or approached.

But you say you have no way of meeting women, but we've suggested several on this thread. Please reread the thread again.

[divine1966]

Did you try meetup groups? It takes like 10 seconds to join a group. There are plenty. And did you ask that girl at your gym out?
It's tough but you got to do something

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[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Shadix

Ok fair enough. But at the same time, it is impossible for an attractive woman who has no trouble finding desirable partners to date to understand where I am coming from. I'm sure it sucks to get approached my men constantly, but it also sucks to watch other guys enjoy the dating scene while you miss out because you have no way of meeting women. We are gonna have to agree to disagree on this one.

Actually, as a femme lesbian who is attracted to other femme lesbians, I absolutely DO understand. I have a very difficult time finding desirable partners to date. I am never approached out and about by anyone I am actually interested in. I have to put up with being hit on constantly by men (and a few butch women) while I also struggle to find a woman I AM interested in. Imagine how many times in my life I've had to watch an attractive woman get scooped up by a man, knowing I can't approach her because she isn't gay. Yeah.

As a straight man, you have all of the advantages that I dont. You can walk into a bar, join a matchmaking service, go to a meetup.com for singles, and have available straight women who WANT to be approached at your disposal. If you are choosing not to avail yourself of those options, that is your own fault. I wish I were lucky enough to have the same resources to meet femme lesbians but, where I live, those options are not available for the lesbian community. If they were, I would not hesitate!