[ally23]

Hi sorry in advance for long complicated story.

I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years. Got engaged last year and planned to for me to move to his country. We chose a house together, booked holidays and were planning the wedding slowly. In the 4 years we spent months at a time living with each other and saw each other every 4 months or so. We spoke every single day and both thought of our relationship as amazing, although we did argue on occasion.

Because I had to get a green card I waited until this was granted before we could live together permanently. Anyway, the big move happened. I gave away my furniture, gave up my house and my job and caught a flight. The weekend I moved he was a little quiet but still speaking to me normally and then when I arrived after a long flight he was not 100% and seemed a little off. After two days of him being a little withdrawn I asked to speak to him, he told me that he had expected to feel happy and excited about me moving but didn't. I asked if he wanted space, he said no. A week went on and it was awful, I was extremely worried and stressed having moved all this way. Then after a small argument about how I was feeling he told me he was considering breaking up. I asked him for a clear answer and he refused to give me one, saying he needed to consider it. Two days later I snapped at him and then the following morning he told me he 100% wanted to break up. I accepted it straight away and went to a friend's house immediately taking some things.

He called me as soon as he realised I had gone and demanded I move all my stuff out. I came back to our house and told him for practical reasons I couldn't go immediately, but would go in a week. He got angry at this and made it clear my stuff being there was upsetting him.

We have been civilised to each other, and he even wanted to sleep while hugging me, expected me to have dinner with him every night and go places together but he has cancelled everything we had planned as a couple. This has involved losing hundreds of dollars on holidays and trips and he has informed everyone we have broken up. I am now leaving in a few days and have accepted this as being completely over after I asked him if there was any way we could even live like room mates while he made sure this was the right thing to do. He absolutely refused saying he was 100% sure of the break up.

I have asked again why he has done this so suddenly and his next reason was that he just felt like we were doomed. I'm not sure why he gave me a different reason from last time. I'm fairly certain there is no one else on the scene, and like I said this strange behaviour only started literally the day before I got on the plane.

I just want to know if anyone has any insight into why this has happened. I strongly suspect based on past experience (he had a huge upheaval in his life previously and struggled to cope) that this is some kind of breakdown related to the commitment we have entered. The terrible thing is my immigration status is strongly at risk and he knows this, and he is aware that I have given up everything to move. It just seems so sudden and final.

[Perna]

Hi, Ally23, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I think the long distance turned into the reality of day-to-day got him. Before, he knew that you would go away for 4 months but moving in with him, permanently, that is a huge change. He liked the "idea" of marriage and living with you (based on holidays) but the reality wasn't something he was prepared for.

[Bill3]

I strongly suspect based on past experience (he had a huge upheaval in his life previously and struggled to cope) that this is some kind of breakdown related to the commitment we have entered.

Sounds reasonable to me too. Your permanent presence would also be a major upheaval in his life.

I am now leaving in a few days and have accepted this as being completely over after I asked him if there was any way we could even live like room mates while he made sure this was the right thing to do. He absolutely refused saying he was 100% sure of the break up.

I admire your resilience. I am very sorry that it has become necessary to call upon that resilience. Stay strong!

[divine1966]

I am sorry

I have a friend who married a guy she dated long distance she came to US to live with him. He turned out to be nothing of what he described to her. He turned out to be a total jerk. I heard of more stories how men Marry women from overseas and immediately start treating them poorly. I guess they assume women are so desperate they will stick around no matter what. His behavior is unacceptable. Get away from him

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