[MisterMatt]

Once my coworker and friend Valerie started dating a new guy, things went south between us. It’d be nice if it could be explained as the standard focusing-attention-on-new-guy, but she has only strengthened old and made new friendships.
We were getting along just fine when, February of last year, she explained that she doesn’t like using the phone—even with her new boyfriend, so I shouldn’t expect calls or texts from her. Because of this stance, she asked that I not call or text her, either. On the same vein, Valerie said she doesn’t want to chat with people at work... including me. If we have to talk at work, she wants it to be just about work.
“I have a problem with this,” I admitted. “It makes me feel like you’re cutting me out of your life.”
She countered, “Well, I don’t have a problem with it. This is what I want.”
Prior to that day, she had mentioned a desire to communicate less with me. One time she claimed it was because I knew so much, she didn’t want to risk us having a conversation at work that could embarrass her—thus, having all communication at work focus on the job.
I’ve asked if I did something wrong or could do something to fix things; Valerie offered, “Give it time.” In other words, do nothing. I’ve taken her aside several times, making statements such as, “I’m really depressed that you don’t want me to call or talk to you.” She would respond with comments like, “I understand.” When I’d comment that I miss spending time with her, she’d shrug, “Friendship ebbs and flows,” i.e., they come and go.
“I feel like I should just leave you alone,” I concluded.
“Ok,” she responded.
Over the next few months, I indeed backed off, reluctantly. She, meanwhile, became more social and outgoing, always discussing personal things with other coworkers, telling them she’ll call or text them later, even standing in the middle of our workplace talking to her boyfriend on the phone. Every instance is a knife in my side.
Occasionally, she’d shoot me a text or ask me how my weekend was... but each time, my mind would scream that she doesn’t truly want me to respond. Once when I was out, she wrote, “Missed you at work today.” I stared at the text wondering if it was some kind of sick joke. How am I supposed to respond to her when she asked me not to?!
The last time we got together, she wanted to discuss our friendship. I remarked that she doesn’t know how important she is to me. Her response was, “I’m not attracted to you at all.” Didn’t know how to take that; she’s repeatedly made it clear she wasn’t interested in me, noting she would NEVER date me, but damn if she didn’t make it sound like there’s nothing worthwhile in me. More importantly, when I said that to her, I meant that she doesn’t realize just how lonely I am. She was my ONLY friend. I’ve always struggled to connect with others; with this rift between us, I haven’t received a single call from anyone in over a year. That’s the kind of isolation I endure (and yes, I try to contact others without living like a hermit).
Shortly before this began, we were both suffering from depression and, her, anxiety attacks. Valerie gave me the best compliment when she remarked that I was probably her closest friend. Suddenly I’m replaced by her boyfriend and my absence is not even noticed. She’s happy and enjoying life. I try my best to be happy for her but am nevertheless miserable.
What is the issue? It’s not naturally drifting apart—it’s being cut out. Am I just jumping to conclusions? Not when I’m ignored... when I’m told not to talk to her. Maybe it wasn’t about me? Of course it was—I’m the only one she stopped talking to. Maybe she just has her own issues to work out? Busy and life gets in the way? Then how can she make new friends? So many websites comfort, “Don’t think you’re a bad person because someone doesn’t want to be your friend.” Then why is it that EVERY friend I’ve EVER made has suddenly decided they want nothing to do with me?

[NonnyMoose]

Hi, I'm new here... Just looking to find help to feel better. I now feel bad no one replied to you. I know what you mean about finding and keeping friends. It's just not the same as when you are a kid... my closest friend growing up is still a friend... but she lives about 1000 miles away and only see her once a year. Now she has become my travel buddy with our families. Most other friends have moved on and I hear from them once every couple years. I have had coworker friends... but they usually have their own friends where I don't fit in. The same with kids friends. I just know that having a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex has always been hard... I have had what I thought were great friends who were guys... then found out that all they wanted was to get me in bed. I have always been somewhat of a loner, so that was never really a big issue for me. I hope it gets better for you!

[healingme4me]

The friend situation is baffling. If there's something that you do, do that pushes away, it'd be nice for someone to just call it like they see it. Of course, situations like that can be baffling for many to know what words to use. I have a friend that struggles with numerous attempts at friendships. I couldn't pinpoint, to even explain why that was, since I've no issues. My other friend that now works with her, finally hit the nail on the head and compassionately talked with her. She does come accross a bit needy, the dependency translated itself into the job.
I know that doesn't answer your dilemma. Came to mind while reading.

That's really rough.

It's hard to know from your post what went wrong.

One thought occurs to me, you sound like you were very close when you both had depression. Sometimes people can want to distance themselves from people who they associate with bad times in their lives, it's a reminder of that time they might want to forget. It may not be the case here, but it can happen sadly.

Best wishes with moving on.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

She's scared that...

1) you want to be romantically involved with her, be BF/GF

and / or

2) you will become dependent on her and she doesn't want to feel responsible for your happiness

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by iwonderaboutstuff

She's scared that...

1) you want to be romantically involved with her, be BF/GF

and / or

2) you will become dependent on her and she doesn't want to feel responsible for your happiness

I agree with this.

I would also say that, in the times you say you have talked to her, you were talking about your own needs, trying to get her to be closer to you by making her feel guilty, and talking about your desperation for her company. That puts a lot of pressure on someone else and makes the relationship all about you and your needs. Usually, people want to be friends with someone because that person has something to offer, makes them feel happy, gives them a good laugh, and makes fun company for various outings. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer, but she may not be seeing that side of you because all you are telling her is that you are depressed without her company and you need her. That makes sense especially if you are depressed! It's just that when you come across as needy or negative a lot of the time, it can push people away. It seems that this particular friend has already made it clear that she is no longer interested in the friendship (at least at this time). If you have other co-workers or acquaintances who are more open to you, perhaps you could try forming friendships with them by trying to talk about more positive subjects, asking more questions aboit them and their interests, or other things that you have in common. The less needy you seem, the more you might attract others to you.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

I was thinking about your post... thank you for sharing this. You've got me thinking about someone I know and the way they are toward me. I never considered loneliness/isolation as a possible factor.