[Polymath8750]

I would like to share my story with you and I hope to receive advice specific to my situation. Not sure if it’s relevant, but I am male and in my early twenties.

I currently have a romantic interest in a woman of my age who is already seeing someone. We are good friends and she’s aware of my feelings. The problem is my mindset towards it and I don’t know to change that. I have always been a rational person who deliberately kept people at a distance and avoided love as much as possible. The consequence of that is that I am very inexperienced with social situations, especially when it comes to love.

Due to my natural mindset of always trying to approach every situation from a rational perspective, I have turned this personal problem of unrequited love into some sort of mechanical problem that can be solved as if there were a step-by-step manual for it, with the goal being that she eventually does consider me to be a romantic partner too. I am aware that emotions don’t work like that, but there is more to it.

I believe in the attraction similarity theory and, by expansion, in assortative mating being the ideal romantic pairing. The situation is that my friend is almost an exact copy of who I am. Well, the female version. We have the same personality, same body type, same intellectual level, same interests, same goals in life, same political standpoint, same pagan/religious beliefs, etc. Really the only obvious difference I can think of is that I am male and that she is female. Just to give two specific examples, we both like hour-long walks in nature and we both have the same goal of wanting to reach self-actualization or a high level of personal enlightenment.

She has a partner already and I am aware that that is probably not going to change, but I find it very hard to accept that because of what I mentioned in the paragraph above. I keep rationalizing my romantic interest in her by saying to myself that we are, what is often called, a ‘perfect match’. Following the assortative mating explanation, it is very unlikely that both of us currently know or will encounter another person who is a better fit. Consequently, and this is where my natural mindset comes into play, I believe that the only rational evolution is that we should become partners for life if our goal is to reach personal enlightenment and the best possible future in general.

That is what I truly believe and it has been making the situation very difficult for me. I even went so far that I tried to explain this to her and I felt like a’hole for doing that because of how morally wrong it is, knowing that she has a partner. Nevertheless, I am convinced that it would be mutually beneficial if we did end up together and I have been using that standpoint to rationalize everything that I have said to her about this. It’s like this 1+1=3 thing and that is why I don’t see a good rational reason as to why I should ‘give up’.

Anyway, I have been kind of stuck and any advice would be much-appreciated. Concerning my emotional state, I have been happier before, but I don’t feel extremely bad or anything. I think the dominant feeling right now is that I am disappointed that she does not see those things my way. Then there also is this mild feeling of rejection, which is partly alleviated by a feeling of hope in that she will eventually realize why she should be my partner.

I think that covers it pretty well, I look forward to any reply.

Thanks in advance,

~

[iwonderaboutstuff]

You "deliberately kept people at a distance and avoided love as much as possible" and you're focused on having a relationship with someone who is unavailable. Hmmm...

[divine1966]

You can't convince people to be with you if they don't want to. I think you actually like the chase after unavailable people or you would be done with her and started seeking real relationships.


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[Bill3]

There are other perspectives besides the identity approach you describe. There is in fact a lot to be said for these other perspectives as well, such as "opposites attract". I personally would find it a bit presumptuous of someone to tell me that their particular theory of relationhips shows that it would be best for me to dump my current significant other and pair up with her/him.

You've made your feelings clear to her. My suggestion now is to let her be; if/when she is ready to join you, she will let you know.

[divine1966]

I found interesting that in your early twenties you already know that neither you nor her will encounter a better match in life. This is typical for youth to feel this way. Many of us thought our high school boyfriends are soul mates for life. Not the case.

And trust me there are many people out there with same intellectual level interests beliefs and goals. Yet it takes more than that.

Heck if hour long walks in nature is any kind of indication then me and you are good match ( kidding) , you know how many people like hour long walks in nature? Or how many have a goal of enlightenment? You are young, you just don't know enough people to think its unique.

Give it time and you'll meet someone who will be all you described AND wants to be with you

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[hpocus]

I read a good book called Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love. Might help you.