Want to ask the barista out

What might be read by a customer as "personal information" is probably the barista doing her job by making small talk with her regular customers (especially if those customers are good tippers). Sure, she might tell an anecdote, talk about a band she likes, or share a tidbit about a fun weekend. That is what people in the service industry do! I tend to frequent the same cafes, restaurants, gym, etc. and have dozens of these small exchanges with staff members every week. The waitress will usually remember my order, ask about the project I'm working on (I'm usually typing on my computer), and tell me an "update" about something she mentioned the last time I was there. I tend to be friendly/chatty when I regularly interact with the same prerson. But I really would not expect them to tell me about their dating life-- that seems TOO personal for these kind of casual interactions. i would guess that, because of the large age difference, the barista never suspected that the OP had romantic interest in her. Therefore, it would never occur to her to diffuse his feelings by dropping a hint about the boyfriend. I mean, why would a young woman randomly tell a male customer her father's age about her dating life? That's not typical. Its also possible that she made up the boyfriend as an easy-out for turning down her customer. It's just an uncomfortable situation, regardless of the age thing. I stand by what I said; women whose jobs revolve around being polite and chatty with customers for tips usually don't want to be asked out on the job. Sure, it happens all the time. Lonely men misread their friendliness as sexual interest. But it still makes it uncomfortable. It's awkward when doing your job well and providing friendly service is misread as a desire for friendship/romance. That's why I think it's better to look for dating partners in places where you know there are available, single people looking to date (online dating, matchmaking service, meetup.com, social clubs, activity groups, etc). That's where you are going to be successful. That is where people are going to be friendly with you because they like you and want a friendship/romance-- not because being friendly is their job.

It is not morally wrong to be mentally immature but one should be prepared that society and people in their environment will treat him/her as a child. Then one shouldn't be upset if others won't treat him as an adult. I like youthful people as I am so myself and actually my whole family is but I wouldn't be in a relationship with immature people.

There is a big difference between energetic/youthful and immature( mentally and emotionally ). Trust me even 18 year olds will not date immature guys. It just isn't attractive

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No one is under any obligation to disclose anything about their relationship/dating life to their customers. I have a summer job in retail. I talk to customers all the time, male and female.

Sometimes topics come up that are vaguely personal ( due to natures of merchandise sold) such as kids or hobbies etc I would be shocked if some guy thought I must disclose I have a
boyfriend. What for? Also since you are that significantly older she didn't expect romantic interest. In fact she maybe made up a boyfriend

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It would be interesting to know why OP apparently tends to look for attachment among those who are more or less unattainable, rather than in situations where he can in fact have a good probability of success.

do they refuse the tips though?

I agree. Another issue with mental and emotional immaturity is that one is usually "stuck" at a certain developmental stage. They are not likely to "outgrow" this immaturity. So, while an older person and a younger person may be a good fit temporarily, the younger person is still developing and will soon outgrow the immature person. An 18 or 21 year old will quickly mature and realize that they are dating someone who, despite being older, is actually much more immature. They will realize that, if they are looking for something serious, the immature person will not make a financially stable partner, will not have the emotional maturity to be someone they can lean on in tough times, will not make a responsible parent, and will not be an "equal" partner down the road. The problem is not the age difference; the problem is the lack of maturity. The same problem can happen when two people are the same age but there is a big difference with respect to their level of maturity (been there!).

If one is mentally and emotionally immature, it might be best to look for other partners (regardless of age) who are also immature and looking for something fun/casual. Immature people can still date-- they should probably just seek out partners who are at the same level of maturity. It won't work if one partner is footing the bill, doing all of the "giving" and care-taking, etc. Relationships work best when two people are at the same stage of life-- which isn't necessarily about age.

Why on earth would a woman who is providing a service (pouring coffee, wiping tables, being friendly to customers), refuse a tip given to her for doing her job? She did the job. She poured the coffee, she wiped the table, and she was polite to her customers. Her job does not involve accepting sexual advances. The tip is not payment for friendship/romance. The tip is for pouring the coffee. She poured the coffee. If you want to pay for a different kind of service, and that is legal in your area, then you can pay for that. But that is not the job of a barista.

I see youre in seattle - isnt that area just sick with baristas? And single boomers in general? Like that old tv commercial, i cant believe its not a smorgasbord out there for a man with a fat retirement.

As for me, i tended to be very outgoing in my younger days (last year), and frankly i would find it rather hurtful that someone would drop into the conversation at the earliest possibility, "my wife..." or my girlfriend or whatever. Which they often do. :madface: Hey. For one thing, we're just talking here. For another, what makes you think youre good enough to be with me - just cuz im talkin to you? Consider this a pre-pre-pre-interview!

Why would you say it was unobtainable? Because she's younger? Stranger things have happened and I'm glad I had the nerve to ask. It was a step forward not back. She's attractive and intelligent - so what's not to like? I thought there was a good probability of success - it was my experience. Had I not made the effort I'd probably be kicking the crap out of myself - is that better?

You sound like my dad! A hundred years old!! He would say you gotta be more sport! : if you wanna get the girls

I'm glad that you asked also! But what happened to the one who asked when you would see her again?

Exactly.

Maturity in fact often had nothing to do with age. Plus maturity doesn't mean one is old or boring.

My daughter is 27 and nephew 25, both college educated professionals, she is married and he is in a serious relationship. They are very mature but fun people though. Total goof balls. So is my son in law. My younger nephew is just out of high school and starts college in the fall. He works two jobs now trying to save for a car and is very mature and responsible yet he is lots of fun.

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So true. Do baristas suppose to take tips only from clients they are attracted to romantically? That's crazy

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Conversely, should we expect that by tipping our servers we are entitled to a date? That is a big share of a server's income, as has been stated before. It is a business transaction and rarely anything more. It is common for men of any age past puberty to assume friendliness by a female is a sign of potential romantic interest, whereas women assume it is just being socially adept.

Why do you assume that anyone who is seeking casual relationships is emotionally immature? There are plenty of people in their 30s and older who have no interest in settling down and still want to date people they are attracted to, it doesn't mean they are emotionally immature. Just because you started seeking a serious relationship when you got into your 30s, doesn't mean everyone is the same way.

Also, this isn't necessarily true. My therapist says I am a bit immature for my age, but she does not say I am "stuck" in a stage. She says I simply didn't have the same social experience that most other my age have had, and I will likely grow out of it with life experience.

But if I am "stuck" in a phase it's probably because of bullying and social rejection, in other words it's society's fault, so you can't really label me as the problem.

Yes, I agree. However, there are things that society labels as immature simply because they do not conform to the conventionally accepted idea of what a person at that age should be doing. I mentioned earlier how the other kids used to pick on me when I was in middle school because I was into things like Pokemon. Well, the same kind of thing persists into adulthood in our society. Some examples. The way you dress. If a person in their 40s wears converse sneakers or colored denim, they will be judged. Why? What do clothes have to do with maturity? Another example, reading manga is considered childish and immature. Why? It's funny, an 30 year old can read Harry Potter and that's normal, but if a 30 year old reads Naruto, it's weird. NARUTO IS BASICALLY A NINJA VERSION OF HARRY POTTER! This is just one example. It is the same thing when it comes to seeking casual dating. Just like with manga and converse sneakers, society just arbitrarily decided that casual dating relationships are only for people under 25 or whatever, even though they appeal to people of all ages. You know, even something like taking road trips with the guys, people consider something like that abnormal for people past a certain age. People are just ridiculous the more you think about it.

In case you're wondering I didn't tip her anymore than any of the other baristas - I'm usually pretty generous.

Wow. This thread is a shining example of how ugly it can be when men treat women as objects to buy and own.

Well I never intended it to be that way - I was just asking about going on a date with somebody I like.

Maybe its time for this thread to just die off?

I think youre okay. Some of the stuff discussed is on the outside edges of the bell curve. Unfortunately thats where i usually hang out...

The OP has not indicated anything of the sort. People are just upset because they disapprove of him being interested in a woman that young, so they are creating a pretext to attack him.

Certainly when we tip our servers it doesn't make us entitled for nothing but good service, which doesn't include romance. I agree That is a business transaction.

In my experience most grown men realize that waitresses, cashiers, etc and such are friendly because it's part of their job. Not because they have romantic interests for their customers

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I don't get why everyone is getting so riled up over this. Ok sure maybe it's not the best idea to approach a girl at work, but why are people being so nasty hurling around words like "creep" and making accusations of sexism? Just politely share your opinion and be on your way. Is it really THAT big of a deal if he strikes up a conversation with the barista? From the way people are responding on here you would think he is contemplating murder.

I can't help but feel like if this was a young guy talking about approaching an older female barista, he would be getting encouragement and support. And of course if it was an older female approaching a younger male barista, I highly doubt there would be any outcry over it.