[Emma Brooke]

I have only had one 6 year relationship prior to this current one. I have been seeing somebody new for the last 4 months and discovering I have a few issues! The main ones are very contradicting to me though so I wondered if anyone else has experienced a similar thing. I'm not sure this is relevant but for the 7 months I was single after this relationship, I was thoroughly happy.

Firstly, I really like him, but the commitment scares me. We agreed to be exclusive about a month ago but I pulled out of that just a few days later. He went away recently and when he came back we became exclusive again. Now, a week later, I'm having the same thoughts of making it casual again. Although the thought of him even kissing someone else sparks a lot of jealousy, I just can't thinking that I'm almost signing my life and freedom away even though we spend every day together, which I enjoy, and he's not controlling at all.
In contradiction to this, I constantly need reasureance that he's still in to me. I read in to every little thing almost obsessively and notice every little thing whether he forgets to kiss me goodbye to how long he holds eye contact.
I'm the most content when he is giving me buckets of attention and affection.
Can anyone make sense of these contradicting emotions and how to control them? I never realised what a nightmare I can be.

[mazing]

Yes it can definitely be related! My current relationship started out in a very similar way. We have been together over 7 years now and are doing well so it can definitely be overcome.

Affection and closeness in a relationship is extremely important but it is also important to not lose your own identity as well. It seems that you are really struggling with that push/pull at the moment - wanting the closeness of the relationship but also worried about being locked into it. That is quite normal. It can take time to come to an understanding, especially in a new relationship.

I think the best thing for me with the reassurance was to just take it one thought at a time and debate it with myself. Eg. if he forgets to kiss you goodbye think it through. What other reasons could there be? Was he running late? Had you had a lot of hugs/kisses/affection already that morning? Could his mind just have been on other things? Does he always kiss you goodbye or only sometimes (so therefore he didn't know you really wanted/needed the kiss today)?
The more I did this the more I started to realise how irrational I was being. There were so many reasons that something could happen and I always seemed to assume the worst but when I did discuss it with my partner they had no idea that anything was wrong!

Also, have you been able to discuss all of this with your partner? I've found a lot of the time the things that appear so obvious to me my partner is completely oblivious to. It was all my own anxieties getting in the way. Sometimes having an honest discussion about what your concerns are and negotiating ways to overcome them, or even just seeking that assurance can be helpful. For example, discussing 'when you don't kiss me goodbye I worry that you don't think of me'. Often just the re-assurance that it does not mean what you think it means allows you to overcome the worry the next time he doesn't kiss you goodbye.

I really hope you can begin to work through it. It's not easy and takes a lot of time and self-reflection but it does get easier the more you do it.