toxic relationship with my parents

it has taken me many years to come to this realization but my relationship with my parents is just...toxic.
they are not bad people. they gave me many privileges - camps, piano and dance lessons, college, other things. they loved me and took care of me. i don't know that they have ever understood me. they tried to help me by taking me to a psychiatrist at a young age and beyond.
they just were at my house for a visit with their grandchildren after a period of about eight months. i did not want them to come but they came anyway. i did not try. bought no groceries, prepared no meals, made no effort. they left earlier than expected and i was relieved. i must sound like an ungrateful brat, which they have called me before.
they just wear me down physically and emotionally. after a full day with them my body just ached. i needed a pill to help me sleep and pills to relieve the pains in my back and everywhere else. they nit pick everything about my existence but disguise it with smiles and positivity. like, "it is such a nice day outside, may we open your blinds?" (i hate summer and heat and basically make my house like a cave until the cold weather returns). When i offered them pretzels after lunch they said no, but they would love some fresh strawberries (thank goodness i bought strawberries at least. and that being in anticipation of criticism about our diet. are pretzels really that awful??) they made my poor husband feel so bad about neglecting the grass for a few weeks (it rained every single weekend. when was he supposed to mow when he works 60-70 hours a week?? when was i supposed to mow with two young kids? not to mention i just don't care.) he got up super early the second day of their visit and spent three hours mowing the grass and weed wacking, on his day off). you get the idea.
now that they are back in their own little corner of the world. (thank goodness. i am glad they like it there so much. on the occasions when it was discussed them living closer to their grandkids i supported the idea, silly me, thinking maybe they would like that and put family over acreage). but no, i was told pennsylvania "just doesn't do it for us. surely you can understand." no, not really. i don't see so much difference between their rural area and my rural area. but whatever.
it is like, i care about them and love them and want them to be safe where they are. but i don't want a relationship with them. is that so horrible? i feel like they have always pushed me away my entire adulthood, I was too messy. well, they have succeeded.
guess i just needed to vent and if someone reads this and were to tell me, been there done that, it would make me feel better thanks
i am so down and exhausted just from them visiting. my kids and i are all sick. we all need time to recover.

The thing is, although your parents did provide well for you in a material way, did they 'see' you. Do they 'know' who you are, what you like, what you hate, or are they oblivious to the unqiuely special you?
Could you turn into a cardboard cutout, and they would barely notice as long as they were getting attention, listened to, and recieving praise?
Do they love the sound of their own voices while not hearing yours?

Did they provide emotional support for you as a child, or were you constanly reminded how 'lucky' you were to have such amazing parents?

I'm glad they left early. Parents are just difficult to deal with. The one nice thing about living close by is I can just see mine for an hour at a time, which is about as long as I can stand, LOL.

yep, been there and done that...still doing it

You're feelings are a product of the way that they interact with you. I don't think you should feel bad about it. In my view/experience, it's very common for toxic parents to make their ofspring feel guilty that they they arn't doing enought for the parents. No matter what you do, it will never be enought for a toxic parent. I can totally understand what you wrote about them wearing you down. I feel the same about my parental family. From what you write I get the impression that you have a good perspective on the situation, good for you!

It seems obvious that they don't realize that what they are saying upsets you. Maybe they just really wanted strawberries? Are you sure that had a direct hidden meaning to your diet? And if they don't want to move to Pennsylvania, then wouldn't that be best if you don't like spending time with them? They shouldn't have commented on the lawn unless they were offering to mow it lol. It sounds more like your personalities just aren't compatible. I don't think they're trying to be mean purposely.

My parents are not bad people at all, but they do make me feel guilty, even if they don't admit to it. I don't know if they do it on purpose or unintentionally, but I feel like I'm living just for them. They keep reminding me about how great they are, and that I have to live up to my dad's stature. It puts so much pressure on me.

They keep reminding me about how great they are,
Um. They sound rather NPD to me. Its all about them.

They are very good parents to me, but the fact that they keep reminding me of it, puts a lot of pressure on me. I care for them, sure, but when they say things like that, I feel like I'm indebted to them.

Some people are better loved from afar.

Very good parents would not 'keep reminding' you. They would not mention it at all.
Parents should parent. They are not doing you a favor.