Looking for direction on resources

Here's my scenario: When I was a kid growing up, I was polite and rather shy. I was a straight A honor roll student. I played sports and was involved in clubs. I started paying for big things like horse camp when I was 9. I saved up babysitting money to go out of state to camp. At 16, I voluntarily got a job so I could buy my own car. I received a full ride scholarship to college.

In my opinion, I was a good kid and I tried to make things easy for my parents. I was self motivated to do well and get good grades.

However, I was raised by a mom who had expectations that were never verbalized. She could get so upset with me for not taking out the garbage when she wanted it done (a short window of time) or cleaning up the kitchen after her. The tiniest little things would set her off and she would carry that mood until she took it out on someone else.

We lived in a house where there was always stuff everywhere. The 27 cabinets in the kitchen were packed full. You open up a cabinet to get a container for left overs and everything falls on your head. The fridge was jam packed full of food and your toes would cringe when you opened the freezer because a hunk of ground beef might fall on them. I wouldn't have labeled it as hoarding back then, but now it would definitely be referred to as hoarding.

When she got mad, she would yell at me and push my buttons until I went from being perfectly calm to exploding with anger and in tears. I always felt like no matter how much I could do without her asking, it was never good enough.

If I asked to go to the mall with a friend, go to a sleepover, etc, I was never permitted to go until I finished a long list of chores. Some chores were reasonable like cleaning my room and putting shoes away from be scattered by the front door. Others were insane requests like picking up dog poop, cutting the grass, giving the dog a bath, cleaning the bathroom. The list would contain those in addition to others. It was as though all of a sudden EVERYTHING needed to be accomplished or else the house would crumble.

I was never close to my mom because she teased me about boys, friends, etc. At church one Sunday, we were singing a few of my favorite songs during the service and she pointed out that I was singing off key. I was very active and very fit in high school. She packed me lunches everyday and after practice I would come home and eat a snack before dinner. She proceeded to tell me that I was anorexic because I was skinny.

Another great example is that she would never drive me to a friends house because it would put too many miles on her car. My friend's family always graciously picked me up and dropped me off to save my mom the inconvenience.

Now as an adult, I can never rely on her for really anything. She lives 5 minutes from me and if my dogs have been home for hours and I am still at work, it's too much to ask her to let them out. She has to go through her schedule to see if it'll fit in. By her schedule, I mean going shopping for nothing in particular. Or driving past Best Buy to get kicks on her Shopkick app.

She is really great at pointing out my flaws and weaknesses and always passing judgement towards me or others. Now that I have finished school and have started my career, I am being criticized for doing so. At 27, I can still at times feel like that 16 year old that can't do anything right.

I am writing all of this because I have been looking into what this would be called. My mom is not a happy person and can be judgmental, condescending and plain rude. I have made an effort to mend this relationship and make it better by setting boundaries with her, but then I was just yelled at by my grandma for the way I treat my mom. I asked her what instance she was referring to and she had no idea. She just wanted to tell me that I was ungrateful and rude.

I would like to be able to research more into how to cope and confront situations with her. I would love to have a civil conversation with her in person or on the phone without getting hung up on.

Please help!

It doesn't oft work out that in resolving wounds from a toxic upbringing, that those that had toxic behavior change. Finding answers can bring a bit of peace. It's typically a bittersweet resolution.

I'd recommend looking into books and articles on the effects of toxic parents. If you are able, a therapist can be a worthwhile investment of time and energy. Reaching out to others that have had their own individual experiences with toxic shame, emotional neglect, etc.

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Hello and welcome to Psych Central DaisyBear!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

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I'm sorry for your struggles. You're mother sounds a bit narcissistic to me in my humble opinion. I have a father who is the mirror image of your mother. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

You don't have to justify yourself to your grandmother. Your mother is a selfish, mean, and, probably, rather stupid person.

Unless mom and grandma have a bunch of money you stand to inherit, I'ld spend a lot less time around either one of them. (I think I'ld do that even if they had millions.)

It is the hardest thing in the world for a son or daughter, especially a daughter, to come acceptingly to the realization that your own mother really doesn't wish you well in this life. That's got to be just awful. The thing to try and grasp is that this is about the way she is, not the way you are. It can be instructive to try and get a handle on how she got to be that way. Life has taught me that there are always reasons, and it may not even be her choice that she is as she is. But she's not going to change. It's too late. This has gone on too long.

Maybe you'll have the generousity of spirit to want to be of some comfort to her, as she ages, even though she'll never be a provider of comfort to you. If you can do that without going crazy, fine. But don't pour yourself out to the point that you constantly feel short changed and cheated. Some people just always take much more than they give. That will always be the math of any relationship they are in.

Growing up, someone allowed your mother to be a taker, or role-modeled a "taking" approach to life. That's what she knows how to do. You do have to get a bit hard with her. Set limits. Maybe negotiate, "If you want X from me, I will need Y from you." At times, you may have to treat her like a child and say, "That's enough out of you." I hope you figure out how to be fair to yourself. She never will be.

Daisy, I am not a hugger but I had the urge to give you a hug after I read your post. Maybe I was thinking of my own inner "little girl" who also grew up with a "toxic" mom.

I know my mom loves me, but there were so many unhealthy patterns in our relationship when I was growing up. My 20s became the "battleground" years for the relationship between my mom and me. (Okay, my 30s, too.)

I am in my 50s now and my mom is in her 70s and our relationship has reached a pretty good place in the last 5 years or so.

There certainly is a ton of material out there on this subject. So many of us are harmed or develop problem ways of coping because of the way we were parented. Even if the parent has really good intentions, if they have a lot of problems themselves, the child can end up with a lot of psychological "stuff" to sort through and straighten out.

Usually, you have to go at it with the idea of changing yourself. You can't really change your mom, except maybe in the sense that if you react to her differently, she may change her behavior because of that.

I tried telling my mom that I wanted us to have a better relationship a couple of times when I was in my 20s, but she just started screaming at me that she didn't want to hear it. She wasn't even open to talking about anything.

Your mom might be different. I guess I'm just saying (again) that you can't count on changing your relationship with your mom much except in how you react to her and in what your expectations of her are.

One book that I thought was good for reading about toxic relationships with your parents is "
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"

My mother was very much like yours. She had some personality disorders and, well, she was the way she was until the day she died. Frankly, it has been easier since she passed away as much as I hate to say that.

Your mother has no boundaries. Shore up your own personal boundaries as much as you can and that will help you a lot. I wish I'd done that. I wish you the best. xo

Google 'out of the fog.' It's another community website with a lot of resources to support people with family members who have personality disorders. Some aspects of your childhood sound very familiar to me - my father used to do something similar with regard to chores. It was ridiculous - the house was trashed due to hoarding and chaos, but we would have to randomly 'clean' it by shoving everything into boxes and closets or the trash.

As I've gotten older, I've come to the conclusion that my parents are not going to change and I need to work around them as they are. I accept that I have limits wrt to how often/how much I see them and I now vigilantly enforce boundaries. You mention that you can't rely on your mother. It's sad, but it's a fact. It's not because you have a bad relationship, it's because she's not reliable.

I've found that I am much happier with very limited contact.