[rukspc]

*Note: It all started when my sister said something to me and I walked away thinking that I knew what she said but really I don't think I was listening. We were at the store and we couldn't find each other because I had both of our phones and I didn't know where to meet her after I was finished doing what I was doing.

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I don’t think I’m communicating with my sister effectively because I seem like I am being defensive when she is trying to tell me something about what I did wrong. It is hard for me to say things to her because I get choked up and nervous and start to cry. I have a hard time saying what’s on my mind when I’m around her and internalize things. She always says she can’t read my mind. Our age gap is 10 years (I'm in my mid-20s) and she and I lived different lives growing up. It’s almost like she’s a mother figure so when she says things to me, it feels like I’m in trouble or she is ‘attacking’ me, when she clearly said she is not. It’s just her tone of voice that makes me feel that way and I’m a sensitive person. She and my mom have always been that way and I'm the quiet one of the three of us. But she said that the attitude I give off is uninviting. I don't raise my voice but sometimes she feels like I don't care or roll my eyes like I don't care. I told her I've been trying to change but don't think she sees it?

What got to me the most was when she said she worries about me because I can’t ‘function’ in life because I don’t know a lot of things or have common sense. Because I’ve never had to worry about most bills, rent, a mortgage or fixing things, she thinks that if I stop living with her, I won’t be able to make it on my own or get stressed out easily by too many things (I stress easily). She wants me to think about things before I do/say them.

I don’t articulate clearly when I’m with her but I don’t know why I can’t. Yesterday, we re-visited the same conversation we had almost a year ago to date. In a way, I feel inferior because I didn’t have the hardship she did. I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t taught valuable skills when I was growing up because my mother never did that. Does that make me stupid? Why the hell am I still here? I'm not the smartest when it comes to real life stuff. I am envious when I see that other people have helped themselves but I haven’t done that at all (other than go to therapy sessions and focus on my career). And my sister had to grow up very fast at a young age.

I understand that I am not like her and I’ve lived a relatively good life without much worry about things. I also don't feel like we have a sisterly bond like most sisters have.

What should I do? I want to bring her to my therapy sessions but I’m not sure yet.

[CopperStar]

I think your therapist could be potentially very helpful as far as prompting and guiding the two of you in communicating whatever it is you are struggling to communicate (that you want to).

There are pros and cons to most things in life. When you grow up with a very rough childhood, you might "toughen up" and "wise up" faster than average, but it comes with a huge price, trust me. You might be very tough and have a certain type of wisdom that people with normal childhoods don't have, but you also come out inevitably damaged. It's just the way it is.

People who go through good or normal childhoods may feel naive or less tough than someone who survived a very rough or abusive childhood, but you also emerge without the psychological and emotional damage lurking beneath the surface, which means that in the long run (as opposed to the immediate, short-term), your chances of functioning well are actually superior.

[Mygrandjourney]

A therapist could help as a mediator.

[Perna]

One thing it would be good to remember is your sister is 10 years older than you are! So, she has had 10 years more experience in life so, of course, she "knows" more. But, what she knows is only good for her life, you have to learn your own lessons and "grow up" in your own time and you are doing that.

I found it confusing looking at my mother (and step-sister who is 13 years older than I am) and thinking about what a hard time they had and yet how well they did things. I had to quit comparing myself, use the energy to learn what I wanted to learn instead. What your sister thinks you should do and thinks you are good at or need to learn are all from her perspective and not much use to you if you aren't interested in them. If you want to listen to your sister better, train yourself to repeat what she says back to her before you go do whatever. You can learn whatever you want but you have to want to learn it and take it on like you would a math problem in school to solve; no amount of someone else telling you you need to learn it will be useful, that's just noise over your head making you anxious. Ignore what makes you anxious and refocus your thinking on what you want to know, learn, do. Don't compare yourself with anyone else and make friends with yourself by talking to yourself and encouraging yourself and reminding yourself of things, etc.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I think your therapist could be potentially very helpful as far as prompting and guiding the two of you in communicating whatever it is you are struggling to communicate (that you want to).

There are pros and cons to most things in life. When you grow up with a very rough childhood, you might "toughen up" and "wise up" faster than average, but it comes with a huge price, trust me. You might be very tough and have a certain type of wisdom that people with normal childhoods don't have, but you also come out inevitably damaged. It's just the way it is.

People who go through good or normal childhoods may feel naive or less tough than someone who survived a very rough or abusive childhood, but you also emerge without the psychological and emotional damage lurking beneath the surface, which means that in the long run (as opposed to the immediate, short-term), your chances of functioning well are actually superior.

She had a tough childhood but she seems just fine to me. She's not scared of anything and has her own family and raises my nieces very well. I feel like our roles are reversed and I'm the one with the emotional damage. I can't even say anything without feeling sensitive or naive!

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Perna

One thing it would be good to remember is your sister is 10 years older than you are! So, she has had 10 years more experience in life so, of course, she "knows" more. But, what she knows is only good for her life, you have to learn your own lessons and "grow up" in your own time and you are doing that.

I found it confusing looking at my mother (and step-sister who is 13 years older than I am) and thinking about what a hard time they had and yet how well they did things. I had to quit comparing myself, use the energy to learn what I wanted to learn instead. What your sister thinks you should do and thinks you are good at or need to learn are all from her perspective and not much use to you if you aren't interested in them. If you want to listen to your sister better, train yourself to repeat what she says back to her before you go do whatever. You can learn whatever you want but you have to want to learn it and take it on like you would a math problem in school to solve; no amount of someone else telling you you need to learn it will be useful, that's just noise over your head making you anxious. Ignore what makes you anxious and refocus your thinking on what you want to know, learn, do. Don't compare yourself with anyone else and make friends with yourself by talking to yourself and encouraging yourself and reminding yourself of things, etc.

That's a good point that it's her perspective. If it's what she wants, then I will always have to be that way as long as I live with her. I don't know what energy I have... I don't know where to start or how to channel it.. Help??