Is it wrong if I'm attracted to female psychos?

Healthcare in the States in general is probably the worst out of any 1st world country as it is unless you're upper class and mental health care is even worse than physical in any US State because of many factors but the state I live in currently is considered one of the 5 worst for mental health treatment statistically. I think PC did an article on it at one point you could always check it out if you're bored.

If I had the money, I would go live in another country for awhile and start a new life lol.

I am lucky my insurance covers therapy or there is no way I had it. It is way too expensive out of pocket

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No kidding. I wish I had insurance ATM but I'm too impatient and reckless to apply for SSI or medicare and would rather take shortcuts to get my needs met which is my reasoning for the whole clinical trial thing that I'm up to. Getting payed $200+ a day to take experimental drugs would solve all of my problems IMO

There is only so much work one should have to do to get their basic needs met and I consider my mental health as much of a priority as food and shelter currently.

Not to mention, I DO have an LLC that I own even though it has no dollar value currently which makes matters even more difficult for me to get any help.

Did you pass all the qualifications for being in a blind drug study? 200.00 a day? For how long?

I just threw the $200 a day out as a baseline since I was too lazy to throw out the exact amount and yes I have qualified for a few studies and I won't be sure about how long for another week or so.

I have other plans too but I would rather not discuss them over the internet for reasons that I can't say. All I will say though is I'm done being unhappy and I will do anything and pay any price to change that.

Besides, if I'm going to have to deal with having pills shoved down my throat that never seem to work by a mental health system that doesn't seem to give a damn anyways, I feel entitled to be well compensated for my time

Just be careful. And I am not sure about drug study being a solution for all your problems. I doubt it's that easy. Sure it's nice income but other than that who knows how it's going to work.

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Thanks for the good wishes. I'm thankful for the rare individual who cares about me when I'm not in the position to benefit them in some way.

Truth be told, I hold little concern for my physical safety currently. While I don't have any thoughts or intentions of hurting myself, I am desperate enough that I would gladly risk my safety, my well being, and even my life for the right price.

It sounds as though you thought patterns and views are similar to theirs at least so I'd be careful about characterizing them as psychos because you'd have to put yourself in that category too. And, yes, I'd say there is some kind of history for you that causes you to be so "dark". I'd suggest some professional counseling.

You're probably right, but at the same time, I'm pretty mild compared to women who've I've had relations with and fantasy females that I've referenced in many of my posts, therefore, the term "psycho" holds true for them.

I prefer to think of myself as a hardened survivor who has developed my thought patterns from suffering unfair abuse and mistreatment most of my life. I have issues loving and bonding with people because I've never been loved before and I was forced into survival mode at a young age, therefore, I have learned from experience not to rely on another person to love me or show me any genuine compassion. I've also learned that the consequences of absolute trust typically is being hurt in a major way and I'm skeptical towards women who hit on me or show me with love because I assume that they're using me or have another motive for being nice to me.

The only difference between myself and many other victims is that I cope inwardly in the form of selfishness, apathy, and social isolation whereas somebody who copes outwardly might have depression issues and might cope by wanting to help everybody around them at the expense of their own well being or might want to hurt themselves in the most extreme cases.

Personally, I don't see what I've become as a bad thing that I need therapy for nor do I want to change this side of me for reasons pertaining to survival. I do, however, want to get help to try to make the best of what I've become but getting a decent therapist is going to take time for reasons that I mentioned on a previous reply in this thread.

The only difference between myself and many other victims is I cope inwardly in the form of selfishness, apathy, and social isolation whereas somebody who copes outwardly might have depression issues and might cope by wanting to help everybody around them at the expense of their own well being or might want to hurt themselves in the most extreme cases. -- There is no difference between you and other "victims" because your coping mechanisms are as unhealthy as their's.

The coping mechnisms you employ are causing, at the very least I'd say for you, emotional unavailability and those things you mentioned are hallmarks for depression. Many people are depressed and don't even identify it. Since you are attracted to the types of women you've mentioned, you may "choose" them so that you don't get attached to a woman. You choose "unhealthy" types as a way to prevent getting close to a person/woman.

You refer to yourself as a "hardened" survivor. Survivors aren't hardened, they are strong. Hardened means you're shutting out things rather than embracing and pushing through.

Since you seem to mean well, I'm going to refrain from being rude. With that being said:

As I might have referenced in some of my other posts on PC, I avoid making decisions based on emotions because I find them irrational and misleading. I instead, prefer to think solely with cold logic and reason.

With that being said, I don't think it's worth it logically to seek out a conventional intimate relationship because the amount of risk and resources associated with intimacy isn't worth the reward. The probability of one's partner turning on them is high as people are selfish in nature and that probability only increases with age when you are less of a benefit to your partner due to loss of energy, physical attraction, sex drive, or health commonly associated with aging, therefore, finding a lifelong partner to love you unconditionally is about as rare as winning the lottery. Just as I don't waste my hard earned money on lottery tickets, I won't waste emotional energy on intimacy.

I see it as being more logical to instead seek out a small circle of friends that care about you without expecting you to go out of your way to open up to them and a relationship that is strictly physical and passionate that is similar to a business partnership that stays together as long as both parties continue to benefit each other. Friends are easier to replace and losing friendships are much less painful beings they require less emotional investment than intimate relationships.

I am hardened by your definition because I do embrace my past abuse and neglect as a source of empowerment and I do press on regardless of rather or not my way of doing it is healthy. I see my defensive mechanism that I developed as a potential advantage in life as long as I learn how to use it properly.

Maybe one year, I will change with therapy, but at this point, it would take some very professional convincing for me to change my views on the whole relationship thing.

Being in therapy is a great thing. The road to recovery and acceptance and a healthy mental/emotional state is a process and not an event. You will be resistant at times to embracing concepts and realities of your situation. Be patient with yourself and try to be open in your mindset.

I won't waste emotional energy on intimacy. -- A person cannot achieve any level of intimacy without emotional "energy". This is a defense mechanism employed for the purpose of being emotionally unavailable.

I see my defensive mechanism that I developed as a potential advantage in life as long as I learn how to use it properly. -- Protecting yourself from potentially harmful things is one thing. However, if you use this mechanism for everything, you not only "block" out the bad things, you block out the good things as well.

I wish you luck on your journey to recovery and a healthy, happy life for yourself.

I sure hope you heal whatever pain you endured and can move on to better things. It is sad you believe it is not worth to have intimate relationship. You are denying something precious to yourself. Hope things get better

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Very much appreciated.

On an off, but related point, I've been thinking a lot about this topic for awhile as I've spent the better part of the past 3 years seeking to learn and better myself and I've been thinking: are intimate relationships even needed for happiness? Are some people not happier single?

Society seems biased towards couples and many people seem to think that you need a relationship to be happy which I'm starting to think is false (at least for some people).

In fact, I stumbled on an article on PC about this very subject the other day that stated that some people feel trapped and unhappy in relationships and are happier with a small tight knit of family and friends that love them while letting them do their own thing. Based on my research, I'm starting to think that some people are happier alone and I'm starting to think that I might be one of those people.

It's unclear to me if this might be the actual truth or if this idea is nothing more than one of my defensive mechanisms talking. Only time will tell...

It is an absolute truth that one must love themselves and be happy with themselves first before they can be a fully engaged partner on an intimate level.

I don't believe that everyone needs an intimate partner, but they do need some sense of intimacy with people in their lives. The trick is to really get tuned into yourself and learning how to be and make yourself happy and identify your needs clearly. Not everyone's needs are the same in terms of a relationship, but everyone has the same basic needs.

A person with your history will have difficulty with that usually because their needs were never being met or at least fully by their parents, usually, and so they learn to negate, forego, etc. their needs and adapt to whatever they can get. They start to push things down and not identify when needs aren't being met. It's a complicated process.

But no, not everyone does need an intimate partner. You just need to know whether or not you do. You can't know that though until you are happy and a "whole" person. If you keep people shut out or don't share with others on an emotional level, you never learn how to interact and relate on an intimate level and so you can't sustain a partner type relationship anyway.

My point is, until you can relate and connect to other people, you don't know what you need from another person or whether a particular person meets those needs.

You may find that you are completely happy being single. And, that's OK. Being happy as a single person is completely different than isolating oneself.

And, if you decide you are happy being single, loneliness is something that will creep in no matter who you are. It's knowing what to do with that loneliness that's key. Having a quality circle of friends, outside interests, etc. It is important, however, not to fall back on unhealthy ways of dealing with it -- which could be promiscuity, completely closing oneself off from everyone one, being wreckless, choosing to be with people who have "issues" just to be with someone, etc.

Be kind to and treat yourself well first and foremost. Be open-minded. Enjoy life to the fullest. Let some people into your life a little at a time.

I just have to say that I truly appreciate your posts. You seem like a very intelligent individual and I enjoy reading everything that you have to say.

With that being said, I have a few friends (a few males and one female) in my life that I've opened up to some level. I haven't been open about every single aspect of my life with them but I've told them personal things that I normally feel uncomfortable telling people.

I can open up to people although it usually takes me at least a couple of years for me to feel comfortable doing so. I also find it more difficult to open up to women than men probably because most of the people who have abused me in my life happened to be female which is unfortunate since I'm a hetrosexual male.

Regardless, I will take what you said to heart. Thanks.

happened to be female -- This I already surmised. I hope you will keep in mind, that the past is the past. The people who hurt you then cannot hurt you anymore. They were "disturbed", dysfunctional people apparently. I also want you to reflect on the fact that you have been attracted to women who may on some level "resemble" (not in terms of looks but maybe unstable, etc), those people in your past. People with your history sometimes do this kind of thing because "it's comfortable", what they were used to. But all it really does is keep the wounds fresh and keep you locked in that darkness -- thus your screen name. Try getting a new screen name -- DarknessTurnedToLight

By your writing here, you have opened a door for yourself already. Keep writing. Get a journal. You are displaying some self-awareness here and believe it or not, you've made progress since you started this thread -- you've softened a little and "heard" some of what you've been reading here A couple of posts ago, you negated what I had said and attempted to "harden" yourself to some truths. You are a strong man to have survived what you've experienced. You should be proud that you call yourself a "survivor". But you need to fully embrace that word and reclaim yourself. You have that power.

I forgot to address this statement -- I can open up to people although it usually takes me at least a couple of years

The fact that you can do it at all is a good thing. And, you are right to be very cautious because you don't have the skills to readily identify who you can and cannot trust. However, the more people you reach out to and open up to just a little bit, the more you will learn who you can trust. Share something "small" with someone and observe what they do with that. Do they recoil, do they criticize, blame, make fun or do they thank you for sharing, do they in turn share something with you? Don't tell them everything, just a little bit at a time.

Nothing wrong with being single. But I doubt it is healthy to refrain from relationships your whole life.

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Thanks. I think you give me more credit than I deserve, but I could use all of the praise that I can get.

I got defensive with you at first because I misunderstood the context of your first reply and felt threatened by it at first, but now I see that you mean well so I eased up a bit

Truth be told, I don't want to fully soften up. I only want the bare minimum of change that would allow me to have some interpersonal relationships and that's it. I am content to wear a mask my whole life and let few people see the true me while letting everybody else see an illusion or only part of me and admire what they see from a distance.

I see my mindset as too big of an advantage to give up especially since wealth generation has become a priority to me in life and my ultimate goal in life is to become the CEO of a fortune 500 tech company so that I can be super wealthy and have control of humanity's future. While my natural distrust of people and my defensive mechanisms are terrible for relationships, it is great for business. I will find the balance that I seek in due time.

No matter what, I know that I'm not going to be able to have everything that I want so I need to prioritize. If I was forced to choose between abandoning love or my goals, I would choose the former. At least if I'm successful at my goals, I would be loved and remembered by humanity forever. I would change the world and be in future history books which is preferable to living an average life with a large amount of quality friends and family which would take a lot more work for somebody like me to achieve anyways.

I do journal BTW but I keep a digital copy that I store in a container that is 256 bit military grade encryption that is so advanced that it would take millions of years for today's super computers to crack and I put a string of code on the journal that would force it to self destruct in the event of it being copied to another device.

Thanks. I do this but I carefully screen a potential friend's or partner's personality and if they have even the slightest thing about them that I feel like would counter me, I push them away.

I don't think anybody can truly readily identify who they can trust. Many of the most conniving people appear to be the friendliest and most trustworthy people you will ever meet.

Also it might be worth noting that the type of relationship I have with those who get close to me is unconventional. I encourage them to not to fully trust me and to avoid me if I don't make myself valuable to them. I don't let them be nice to me unless I can return the favor. Many of those who I include in my inner circle are selfish and many of us see it as a survival instinct. At least me being like this keeps me in control for when they eventually abandon me. I open up to these kind of people to some extent, but I still have my own fair share of secrets.

If I can't benefit other people, I don't deserve friends or loved ones. Period. If I benefit them or have something that they want, it gives them a more reliable motive to not betray me than emotional bonding.

I'm smart enough to realize that part of me truly craves a loving relationship with somebody that I can trust and fully be myself around, but I feel too damn afraid and threatened to want to put the work in and I don't think that the reward is worth the sheer amount of pain and hard work that it would take me to loosen up. I also truly think that because of my outlook on life, my emotional shallowness, and my mental health issues, nobody would be able to truly love me without some type of hidden motive. If I was normal like everybody else than I would have a solid chance at true love but I'm not so I have to use every little advantage that I have to get ahead in life.

Maybe I will change with many years of therapy but I seriously doubt that I can be helped.

but I seriously doubt that I can be helped -- You need to WANT to be helped before you can be helped . . .

You have built some walls to protect yourself from the outside world, but those are actually easy to knock down. It's walls that you have built on the inside that need to come down. You are keeping things away from yourself and those are the things you really need to deal with.

And, you do need to be with a therapist when those internal walls are coming down. You may find the experience overwhelming and will need support of someone you trust and who understands the process and your needs. It can be difficult but if you push through it, you will find it rewarding.

I want to be helped, I just don't think that I can be helped. I've actually been therapist hunting most of the morning, but it's hard to find one where I live unless you have high end insurance or decent money which I have neither currently.

Honestly, I'm done with this thread and I likely won't be replying any more to it. I feel like posting here is making matters worse for me because while people here seem to mean well, it seems like those who are replying here assume that I can just learn to love and be like everybody else without taking into consideration that I mentioned that I have AS traits like 2 pages ago with a lack of emotional empathy for others outside of my immediate family and friends being one of the most defining traits and the thing that will make conventional love impossible for me no matter how many meds I take or how many years of therapy that I attend. Your average run of the mill empathic female is too afraid or threatened by people like me and will be alarmed at my shallow emotional responses and I can only wear a mask for so long.

My only hope is to find somebody as damaged as I and form an unconventional relationship. Of course, I could take the easy way out like most people in my position would do and use and manipulate women to bend them to my will while lying about who I am in order to keep them interested, but lets face it, that would be too easy and I want to at least try to be a decent person even though it's hard for me most of the time.

People with AS traits cannot be cured nor do I want to fully lose this side of me because they are too big of an asset to my future goals in life. I will attempt therapy and keep an open mind while trying to make the best of what I am, but pardon me if I just simply don't care anymore.

They can't be cured, but they sure like to talk.

I'm sorry, was that meant as an insult or did your post have some other meaning behind it? Help me understand please.

Just to clarify I was never clinically diagnosed with any form of personality disorder; I've self diagnosed. It's entirely possible that I'm wrong and I'm simply overthinking things, but I won't get clinically diagnosed because if I am, the data could easily fall into the wrong hands and be used against me later. Heck, it is entirely possible that I could have Autism instead. I was misdiagnosed with it as a child yet I did have a conduct disorder that I wasn't misdiagnosed with.

I'm on this forum to get better like everybody else while offering support to others via the only method that I know how; logic and cognitive empathy.

With that being said, I don't have neither the time nor the patience for insults. Thank you.