[Linzi]

Hi

I'm looking for some advice and guidance with respect to controlling & passive agressive behaviours within marriage. My husband and I generally struggle with communication and I can now easily see that a big part of it boils down to my low self esteem and the behaviours I exhibit around this. I have been working on this over the years but I understand that when things get "too much" or i get frustrated because my feelings about things are shut down or rendered invalid; I turn very quickly back to these behaviours and the whole situation worsens. I could write an entire essay with the whole back story but it's not necessarily for here right now.

I do feel a lot of issues are left at my door and if I can change these behaviours I hope that there is some way of saving my marriage. I currently feel lost and that I'm an awful person but I have no idea to get out of this loop of behaviour.

Any advice from those in a similar situation would be much appreciated.

Hi Linzi! Welcome to PC!

I'm sorry that you are having struggles in your marriage. I know that communication is very important.

Who is exhibiting passive aggressive and controlling behavior? You or your spouse?

Always remember that it takes two in a relationship. It is never solely one partner's fault.

[Linzi]

Hi rainyday - thanks for the welcome. It's me that's been exhibiting it - whenever I try to raise how I feel or what I think is unreasonable I get told I'm passive aggressive & controlling. I can see it sometimes...Perhaps it's my delivery? I'm not terribly articulate compared to him. But it's always there waiting to be highlighted to me. I feel like it's a default behaviour because we're at a point where I feel powerless and in-valid but I'm still being told this. Like I'm not allowed to have a way of feeling because of ways that I've treated him in the past. I put my hands up to these things and did my best to resolve but they hang around in the back ground ready to be pulled out again...cue default behaviour...
I've not been treated fairly either yet those things because he's embarrassed or guilty I guess don't seem to matter that much as an explanation of why I feel like this.

I'm just not sure how to approach it...


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[healingme4me]

I'm not sure that he's completely innocent here, by labelling you as such. If he's so articulate, why isn't he saying, when I am on the receiving end of xyz behavior, I feel abc, and try to resolve together a compromise?