[Miss_Amiss]

Long story short: I was recently hospitalized for major depression and psychotic as well as dissociative symptoms on the 14th of this month. I was only discharged yesterday after spending 10 days in inpatient care and during that time received the diagnosis of Bipolar I. While I've dealt with mental illness for many, many years-- having gone off and on medications, in and out of various outpatient treatments, etc-- this was the first time I was ever hospitalized for it.

I was sure that only certain people would be made aware of my situation... Mostly just family, some officials at my college, and very close friends with whom I speak to almost every day (just so they'd know where I was and what happened.) During my stay, I spent a lot of time agonizing over how people would react to it-- among those worries being my best friend. I had discussed, somewhat, my symptoms with her off and on over the years, but never got very in depth with it because I felt like she dodged the subject and was scared of it.

Upon getting out of the hospital, I half-expected her to have a new understanding of the illness, especially since I got an official diagnosis and my fiance told me he had spent quite some time explaining it to her/helping her to better understand it.

I didn't want overt sympathy or for her to even drill me with questions about the experience-- but what I got when I talked to her today still pretty much shocked, confused, and honestly upset me a little bit. Basically, in a nutshell, her first remarks were along the lines of almost guilt-tripping me about having not been available for her to hang out with/talk to/play video games with during that time. (Including an added jab about how she'd "only be around for a few days to pester me" and how I "wouldn't need to worry about that for long because she would be leaving town for two weeks.") She knew perfectly well what I was going through, where I was-- hell, she'd even written letters to me there. I could have even understood some amount of resentment for things I may have said or done during the worst of things at home before hand, but instead it was literally like she was passive-aggressively complaining at me because I wasn't there to interact with during my 10 days spent inpatient.

Then, once that had gotten smoothed over (or more like I just chose not to pick that fight and blew it off/pretended like I didn't get what she was saying), it was like... Nothing happened. Any attempts I made to try to talk about the subject, maybe vent a little (never going into the self-harming realm that got me admitted, but more like the experience in the hospital itself), were pretty much ignored and diverted to other subjects. In the end, *she* wanted to vent *to me* about how awful and stressful her own week was and then she wanted to play online games with me.

I'm really not sure whether to be upset or angry or if I shouldn't let it bother me at all. I talked to my fiance about it, who had kept regular contact with this friend during my hospitalization, and he said that the subject evidently really frightened her and that that's probably why she was refusing to even acknowledge it. I obviously won't force her to talk about something that makes her uncomfortable, especially because I can absolutely understand how it could be frightening (particularly when you take into the account some of the psychotic/dissociative symptoms I was having at the start.) But part of what landed me in the hospital in the first place was my tendency to cater to others' needs and wants before my own all the time, usually blowing off my own feelings in favor of those around me. And now that I'm working to try to correct that imbalance to some degree, the thought keeps occurring to me that if *she* thinks it's scary, has she even begun to think about how scary it must be for *me*? That maybe, as my best friend, it would behoove her to try to better understand my illness and offer herself as an open ear if I needed to process what I was going through? I'm still totally bewildered with what to do with this. It's easy to feel incredibly alone when you have these sort of complications-- but it's made all the worse when you feel like you're being pigeonholed into that game of pretending to be "okay" even when you're clearly not.

TL;DR: I needed to vent about this somewhere other than my hubby or else I was afraid I'd say something unnecessary to said friend.

But onto a discussion: Do any of you have a close friend (or friends) who are so scared of your mental illness that they don't necessarily criticize you for it, but they instead refuse to acknowledge it or discuss it with you at all? If so, how do you handle it? Do you try to push the subject and help them better understand, or do you just leave well enough alone and let them avoid the topic all together, even when the illness may be directly impacting them?

[healingme4me]

I don't really get into mh with my friends. However, our friendships involve a bit of give and take. Two sided. I don't personally appreciate clinginess in friendships, so any form of guilt or selfish behavior would push me away, as that's a definite sensitivity that I've carried over from my family of origin issues/baggage.
It's not up to me to second guess their internal motivation, it's up to them to be forthcoming, if they desire. Same in return.
Sorry to read that your friend isn't stepping up to the plate to sort out better communication skills. Not to tiptoe around, but at least ask how you are and stop and really listen.
Do you have a talk therapist to talk about these changes in perspectives with? Sounds like you are growing from this experience.

[eeyorestail]

I have different sort of "policies" with my MI depending on the friend. Some I feel I can confide details to. Others I know won't be able to handle it, so I limit our friendship to other things. For some people, it took me a while to figure out what the best course of action was.

Maybe you could try confronting your friend about your feelings? Just say that you wonder if she's feeling uncomfortable about the issues you've been facing. If she responds badly again, then maybe you limit the friendship. Or maybe she will explain what's been up with her and you will have an opportunity to smooth things over.

It will be upsetting if you learn she can't handle dealing with a MI friend. But friendships change and evolve, and sometimes it's helpful to take a step back.

Just be sure you have alternative sources of support if she's off the list. Personally, I go to a local support group for bipolar/depression that I find helpful.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to manage your MI. No matter what happens, please feel proud of yourself for getting help.

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[crosstobear]

I for one wouldn't tell my significant other about my mental illness until months have gone by and she's seen something in me that makes her not want to run away when hearing about my mental illness. Back in my naive days I talked about it to friends, until a ****-stirring mutual friend made up a story that I tried to drive off a cliff with him in the car. It's NEVER a good idea to talk about MH issues to friends. Friends come and go and friendship is more often than not based on convenience. A true, decent friend is hard to find for everyone. Don't say anything that needn't be said. Your friend sounds like a true ****. You don't need that, IMO.

I told on of my best friends the last time I was depressed and suicidal. She was very supportive.

I told another one and she told me to move to her state. Not a very realistic solution in the short term.

[Miss_Amiss]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who perceived her reaction as fairly offensive/selfish. It saddens me a lot to think she might not be able to even respond subtly to my troubles; she's been a "close" friend for many, many years... And maybe more significantly, I don't really have many friends at all. After some events from my teenage years, it's almost like I've entirely forgotten how to actually go out and make new friends-- this very friend is actually the only one left from those years.

Basically, if I cross her off the list of potential "support," I have no other friends to turn to. Luckily, I *do* have a very supportive fiance and mother. After I left the hospital, I was also hoping to look into some local support groups to see if I could get connected with more people who can better understand. I do also have a personal therapist for one on one talks. So all in all, I have a fairly good support system still... It's just hard to talk to this friend every day and have her act like everything is peachy and/or she's grumpy at me for not being at my full capacity still.

I may try talking to this friend to see if I could smooth things over, but I'unno if it'd be worth the potential backlash. She tends to be the sort who takes things personally very easily. I'd rather keep her as a limited friend who I just choose to keep at arm's length than to lose her as a friend all together.