[ToffeeBomb]

Hello,

I feel this is going to be a long one so I apologize if I ramble. I have made a huge mistake and as a result I am lost in my life. It has gotten to the point that I am in so much emotional pain that I do not think there has been a single day in 3 months where I have not cried.

I am a 19 year old student and have just finished my first year at University. Up until 2 months ago, I had been in a happy relationship with a guy I met in college for just over 2 years. However, whilst I was at University, I fell in love with someone else, a good friend of mine who was my best friend at University. It started as an ignorable crush but towards the end of term, those feelings had intensified and I was no longer satisfied with the relationship with my boyfriend.

When I left University and came home, this other guy started becoming flirtier in his text messages. Eventually, it ended up turning into full blown sexting which made me feel really guilty because I was betraying my boyfriend. As a person who has been betrayed in the past by someone who was my closest friend for 10 years, I never wanted to be like that type of person so I began to despise myself for it. I told him it was a bad idea and I felt really guilty for doing it so it stopped for a while and then resumed.
One night, he was telling me about a girl he really liked and it made me really jealous and hurt to hear it so I ended up confessing my feelings to him. Even though he had sent me texts from before all this saying how much he liked me as a person and how he was obviously attracted to me, he said that he didn’t feel a spark between us so we couldn’t be more than friends…But he still wanted to have sex with me.

This devastated me, and trying to hide all my emotions from my boyfriend made it even worse. My boyfriend was and still is a very caring person and has treated me so well, he did not deserve what I did to him.
The other guy felt guilty about my feelings for him so we stopped sexting, but occasionally it would happen again. I decided that it was not fair on my boyfriend to keep this a secret from him, so I decided to end it and told him about my feelings for the other guy. Even though I do not deserve it, my now ex has still remained friends with me and tries to cheer me up when I’m feeling particularly down. He is an amazing person. I wish I still loved him.

Since the breakup, this other guy has been extremely callous with me. He has provided me with no support or help. I feel he is just trying to use me to have sex when I go back in 2 weeks. When I told him I was angry and why I was angry, he would not listen. He believes that if we make our relationship emotional, it won’t be worth it. I know he has been hurt in the past and may not want an emotional attachment because he is afraid of getting hurt again. He does not want a serious relationship with anyone; he just wants to have sex with them. He wants us to be friends with benefits but he does not seem to understand how much that could hurt me. We share a group of friends and he wants us to keep it a secret from them. But when you love someone, you want to show affection for them in public. At this point, I’m not sure if he even cares about me as a friend. We had such a great friendship before all this happened and I would rather go back to being that compared to what we are now. Unbelievably, despite how badly he has made me feel. I still love him, and I feel so weak and pathetic for doing so. Being honest, I feel like I love him and hate him at the same time, like I want to kiss him and kick him.

I understand that many people would blame me for this, it is after all my own fault that this has happened, I have lost the love of the one person who I completely trust and who I want to talk to but can’t. I have received nothing but pain and it has left me feeling worthless, used and alone. I cannot simply just walk away from this guy as I may lose all my friends that we have in common. I want to tell him I can’t do this but fear that my love for him will make me give in and do something stupid. Having sex with him could break me. I just want this feeling to stop, this constant sadness that I cannot make go away. I don’t know how to handle it.

[divine1966]

I would consider therapy. Is there a counseling office at your school?

Do not have sex . Friends with benefits is a pretty gross concept

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[Rose76]

Originally Posted by ToffeeBomb

I decided that it was not fair on my boyfriend to keep this a secret from him, so I decided to end it and told him about my feelings for the other guy.

I disagree with you about what is fair in relationships. There was no need to tell your boyfriend anything about this other guy. If you wanted to end the relationship with your boyfriend because you were not really in love with him. that's fine, but no need to tell him hurtful things. If you wanted to end the relationship with your boyfriend because you wanted to be free to pursue other potential relationships, like with this guy you've been sexting, fine. But, again, no need to tell old boyfriend anything about who might be going to take his place. This idea that sharing all the inner workings of your mind with someone you are in a relationship with is the stand up thing to do is something I don't support. What matters and is relevant to old boyfriend is what you would decide to do about him. I think you should have waited a spell, after you ended the sexting, to decide what you really wanted to do.

This new guy is not all that into you, but he wouldn't mind planting his flag on your bed because . . . oh, well, why not? You're making yourself feel a little better by going with the notion that "It's not that he isn't very interested in me. He just doesn't want to be serious with any girl." That's baloney. That rationale gets used so much to make something seem less insulting than it really is. You simply don't rock his world. He sees no potential to really fall for you, but he figures why should he turn down some free sex, if he can get it.

As you are finding out, we really are not in charge of when we will fall for someone. Neither is he. He hasn't fallen for you because he hasn't fallen for you. But you have fallen for him. He's not a good friend of yours and he's not a good guy. A guy who was your goid friend would not be flirting with you, when he knows he's not really that interested in you. Did he know you were involved with your former boyfriend? If he did, then him encouraging you to be romantically interested in him was really creepy.

If you can't resist the impulse, then go ahead and get intimate with this guy. It will just lead to you getting hurt, but that may be the only way you'll get past your infatuation with him. Then you can move on and be free to find someone with whom the caring will be mutual.

[ToffeeBomb]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I disagree with you about what is fair in relationships. There was no need to tell your boyfriend anything about this other guy. If you wanted to end the relationship with your boyfriend because you were not really in love with him. that's fine, but no need to tell him hurtful things. If you wanted to end the relationship with your boyfriend because you wanted to be free to pursue other potential relationships, like with this guy you've been sexting, fine. But, again, no need to tell old boyfriend anything about who might be going to take his place. This idea that sharing all the inner workings of your mind with someone you are in a relationship with is the stand up thing to do is something I don't support. What matters and is relevant to old boyfriend is what you would decide to do about him. I think you should have waited a spell, after you ended the sexting, to decide what you really wanted to do.

This new guy is not all that into you, but he wouldn't mind planting his flag on your bed because . . . oh, well, why not? You're making yourself feel a little better by going with the notion that "It's not that he isn't very interested in me. He just doesn't want to be serious with any girl." That's baloney. That rationale gets used so much to make something seem less insulting than it really is. You simply don't rock his world. He sees no potential to really fall for you, but he figures why should he turn down some free sex, if he can get it.

As you are finding out, we really are not in charge of when we will fall for someone. Neither is he. He hasn't fallen for you because he hasn't fallen for you. But you have fallen for him. He's not a good friend of yours and he's not a good guy. A guy who was your goid friend would not be flirting with you, when he knows he's not really that interested in you. Did he know you were involved with your former boyfriend? If he did, then him encouraging you to be romantically interested in him was really creepy.

If you can't resist the impulse, then go ahead and get intimate with this guy. It will just lead to you getting hurt, but that may be the only way you'll get past your infatuation with him. Then you can move on and be free to find someone with whom the caring will be mutual.

When I broke up with my boyfriend, I and no intentions of telling him about the other guy. The main reason why I decided to break up with him was because I was not in love with him anymore. I felt we had changed and it was not going to work out in the long term. Especially being away from each other at University and this is what I told him. However, he figured out there was more to the story as I was sad all the time and pushed me for answers and we argued. I told him that I had feelings for another person and that it was unrequited but went into no more detail, I did not tell him anything more than that, nothing about the sexting or anything else. I just felt that knowing the truth, or part of the truth was better than not telling him anything or else he would have been left wondering what had happened yet feeling that there was something there that was not said.

I completely agree with you, not waiting to see if my feelings would pass is a deep regret. At the time I was miserable and could not handle it responsibly or rationally and looking back I wish I had acted differently.

Accepting that this guy is just not into me is particularly tough for me. The way he has treated me especially hurts, I want to believe he is a good person but I know he is not and does not have my best interests at heart. It is moving on that is so difficult for me, it is particularly difficult because we have many mutual friends, so at University I will see him all the time.

Thank you, for your take on things. It was blunt but I needed to hear what I did not want to hear or admit to myself. I need to see the truth instead of making up excuses in my head.

[ToffeeBomb]

Yes there is, I think I should go to the councillors office at University. I am scared that if I do not improve next year I will drop out. Thank you for the advice divine1966