[jayematt]

Hi all - This is my first post, and I just joined Psych Central.

It is very encouraging to finally be able to identify some/partially the problems I have with my spouse. I have been counseled to "not let him walk on you" "be tough" "stand up for yourself" and "he's never going to change" by friends and families over our 5 year marriage. I view our marriage as a necessary commitment to stand by and not allow even a serious mental/behavioral problem to break us apart (I understand full well when/why others do or have though - my choice here, no judgment!). At the same time, it can be exceptionally difficult to work with him and maintain relationships even with my own friends or family when they are not capable of understanding him. I'm approaching this forum on that footing and I'm not likely to change my opinion there.

With that said - I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP HERE, FRIENDS!!!

I believe I have "self diagnosed" him as a having some version of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm sure if I am correct, then those of you who have lived or worked with narcissists will recognize the symptoms I've seen in him that allowed me to identify it: severe lack of respect for anyone not "logical" or "experienced" enough to compare to his intellect, badgering me to the point of breakdown if I didn't comply with his wishes (especially in regard to surrendering $ I saved), a seemingly compulsive spender, constant refusal to accept responsibility for major problems in his life (previous divorce, loss of company, etc), belief he should rule the country/world, hatred/"death list" against people who he views as causing previously listed problems, etc, ad infinitum.

These seem pretty consistent with lists and comments/stories I have read from people dealing with NPD or an NPD spouse. It seems harder and harder to get through everyday life without counseling for myself as I have suffered significant losses of self esteem and mental stability due to his communication routines. However, it seems more and more ridiculous to go to counseling in order to just deal with someone else's personality! The few main reasons I have chosen to come here and explain all of this are as follows: One, I need to be able to talk, even anonymously to someone else who understands. Due to his sense of what respect is owed to him, he will usually panic/shame me into not talking to anyone who knows him since he feels this makes a friendly relationship impossible with them in the future. Two, I'm want to know if this is all on par with what others have experienced and that I'm not overinflating the issue (or in other words, that what he is saying isn't true - am I lacking in respect, is this just a normal guy thing to do?) Finally, it feels really good to tell my story a little bit if it means that today I can face him and our relationship knowing that I'm seeking help for us both instead of expressing my frustration, isolation and pain all onto him directly.

If there's nothing to be said then at the very least, a most heartfelt THANK YOU for listening.

I hope you have a great day.

J

[healingme4me]

Welcome to PC



I'm the daughter of one. I'm in the painted black category.

You've found a place to vent and work through what you're dealing with.

Seems that you have your reasons for staying. If validation that what you're living through is due to NPD, some of the characteristics listed do sound familiar. Could there be underlying co-morbidity? I sometimes question manic moments with my own father. Mind you, I'm an adult writing. It's not that I am completely in the black, but there's certainly a level of disconnect with old wounds. With him, there's no such thing as an apology. It's almost as though he'll create an 'alibi' to cover himself without any accusations given. I believe the narcissistic wound goes beyond the fact that he was born with a birth defect. It seems that, such an early childhood experience was compounded by whatever was going on within his homelife and feeling a certain lack of pride and/or love from his father, and maybe even within his family. I don't believe that his mother was capable of offsetting whatever experience was necessary to compensate for that wound. I mention his experience as perhaps insight as you come to grasp the wholeness of your husband and his illness.

[divine1966]

He sounds like my dad. Not a picnic. My mom is very co dependent. Do you have children? It did me lots of damage growing up. I might be too drastic here but my only suggestion is to get out. I am sorry but unless he is willing to work on it and make changes ( he not you) i would be gone


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Maybe Borderlind PD or as well

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central jayematt!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Sounds like my father. He's very difficult to deal with. I admire your willingness to work on your relationship. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[LOVE_IS_TRUTH]

Jayematt,
It might be useful to look up passive-aggressive behavior. There is an excellent Kindle book called The Emotionally Unavailable Man and another one called The Silent Marriage......well worth the read, lots of eye openers. Most narcs are PAs, so it all ties in together.

At least you have only put in 5 years. I am at 23 and have figured most of it out by doing lots and lots of reading as well as my therapist who confirms many of my experiences. I thought hope was the thing making me hold on and work so hard to save the one-sided marriage, but it ended up being that we are magnets, opposites. I am codependent, and my husband is a passive-aggressive narcissist, probably codependent as well. He is basically a good man, but his mother used him as her little man and still treats him like he is 7 years old and has to check in with mommy at least once a week or she calls both of us several times a day, and I am the scapegoat, being talked about like I am making him not call her, that I must be brainwashing him, of course, because he wouldn't possibly avoid her like that on his own.....gag. Its just sickening. She is the typical worst malignant narcissists out there. Blind to everything, just plain ignorant and evil, the mind of a toddler. She is incapable of empathy and just fakes caring, pretends to be a Christian but puts herself above God and wants to be worshipped, using her preaching to control her children, and even after they are over 50. She is the source of it all. She drained all the life out of my husband and prevented him from growing up, so he is a child trapped inside a child's body, and there has been that deep emptiness inside of him because he was taught to not feel. He was her slave. As adults, it was always uncomfortable holding hands in front of her or showing affection because she did not want him to feel for anyone else but her, and he didn't want anyone to love him because then he might find out how it feels to have the real thing, and that's a big threat, so I always knew it was messed up, but it did get a little better on his part over time, with some therapy, but he didn't focus on mother-son issues enough, and now, it has never really left and something needs to be done. However, the gut feeling I always had that he would tell me he loved me, but I never really FELT it, like he was just going through the motions and telling me what I wanted to hear. Any attempt to dig for some answers and point out any flaws would always lead to tantrums with his pent up rage, and he would turn things around and make it into a war, never owning up to anything (like mother like son), so then I read more about the narcissist, and he has quite a few behaviors now same as Mommy Dearest.

At this point, I am totally drained, exhausted from working so hard for nothing, looking at myself for so many years feeling freakin insane, never even pictured him as a manipulator or a controller, but its hidden, and they are very talented at hiding things. His biggest fight was trying to keep me from seeing who he was behind his empty shell because then I would see that there aren't many gems of emotions waiting to jump out; it simply just isn't there. The dragon mother has made sure to take his heart and soul and put it in a cage locked up under her bed that she guards with her life. Nobody, and I mean nobody will ever have the key to his heart. My dear...you are not crazy. Listen to your gut, your heart. Nobody should have to beg for love. It is either there or it isn't. We just need to decide on whether we can accept settling and never really knowing true love or moving on and taking a step up, even if its a baby step in the right direction to live the life we deserve. And if you do decide to end the relationship (if he is a narc), be prepared to really feel your heart break in two when he acts like its no big deal. Narcs may not have any empathy, but they do have a dreadful team of troublemakers called PRIDE & RAGE, so if you want to stop supporting or enabling his narc supply, then he doesn't need you anymore, and tossing you out with the trash and not giving it a second thought might come easy to him, as painful as that sounds.
As a codependent, our worst enemy is our loneliness, so just like an addiction, we have to fight the urge to stop the deep and painful loneliness within and not jump into another relationship just to make that terrible feeling go away. The key is really working hard at learning how to love ourselves, and not like the narc; that is selfish entitlement. In reality, behind every narc's shell is a puny little coward who has very very low self esteem, so they do their best to hide any weakness and puff themselves up at the expense of others, making the perfect bully, and what age group do you picture when you think of a bully? Elementary, grade school, usually a child, right? Think of their emotional intellect not far beyond that, if they are capable of empathy; however, that doesn't mean they aren't masterful manipulators and deceitful liars to cover up their inability to be in tune with their true self.

Anyways, there is a helpful book and/or videos (I watched on YouTube) called The Human Magnet Syndrome, I believe, by Ross Rosenberg. He knows what he is talking about and explains it really well, so if you are working hard to make your relationship work but it feels like you are the only one doing any work or reading or making any efforts at all, then I highly suggest not waiting for another 5-10 years to go by. In the meantime, learn how to identify and call him out on his passive-aggressive manipulation tactics. You will gain some of your power back by seeing, stopping, and not participating in his games.

Good skill (cuz it's not luck you need)!