I can't lie my way out of this

I did horrible things. I'll start by saying what I have identified as things I did and work towards what it led to. All my life I have been lying to the people I care about, either to make myself come off as a better, more exciting person or to avoid having to cope with difficult situations. The lies ranged from making an everyday story more vibrant to lying to my teachers by saying I had to go to the doctor with my depressed sister to avoid having to go to class, or telling my mother I had seen my study counselor before I ended my education when I didn't, or pretending I was ill or in pain to skip classes, appointments or gym class. The lies almost never exceeded the lines of plausibility and were completely directed towards the people I was telling them to: I told them in such a way I knew they would believe them.

I was bullied because of my weight in primary school and in high school, i never felt beautiful. Next to the lying I have been doing all my life, I have always looked for attention in wrong ways, ever since early puberty. Eventually I found a partner who I loved more than anything in the world. My last relationship, which ended a few days ago because I did horrible things of which the guilt is now eating me up inside. And the idea of how the people I have hurt must feel is too much for me.

During the beginning of this last relationship, all of the things i mentioned, the lying and the attention seeking, subsided. I felt fullfilled and loved for the first time in my life. This person is amazing. His heart is full of goodness, and being with him and loving him, made me feel so fulfilled and good. The fact that he loved me fealt really special. He saw something in me, the real me. During my time with him I still lied, but barely to him. Also for the first time in my life I didn't feel the need for the wrong attention. There where only two times I caved in and went on cam, but I stopped and felt guilty. During the beginning of my relationship with him, I was recovering from a relationship that had drained me both mentally and physically: I had loved someone with severe depression and undiagnosed personality disorders, leaving me feeling helpless because I didn't know how to fix that person. After I had left that relationship, my new, lovely boyfriend, became my caretaker, like I had wanted to be and failed to be in my last relationship. He dealt with all my ****, got me out of bed when it was hard, patched me, fixed me.He gave me everything, I didn't even have to pay him to live with him all the time i was with him. His family was also always there for me. And eventually I did feel better, and started giving back the love he had given to me. We were going strong. Made fantastic memories. But then he had to endure a really tough time. By taking me into his house to care for me, the relationship with his housemates declined. This was indirectly my fault: they were not the same after me coming into their daily lives. Gradually he started losing his closest friends, because of the love he had given me, because he had chosen me over them. Eventually, he lost them for good, when they wanted to leave the house and find a new place and everything got heated up, nasty and complicated.

He found a new place and allowed me to live with him again. We went on a vacation shortly after all this and made wonderful memories. But the combination of taking care of me the past year and losing his close circle of friends had left him drained. On top of that he had a really tough year in university, with people that tore him down and drained him even further than I had already done. He had a burn-out. And I knew and felt it had to be entirely my fault. I had brought him into this. As I was trying to do what he had done for me, trying to fix him, get him out of the house on bad days, the guilt of being the cause was eating away at me. I started telling myself he didn't love me, because how could he, after everything I caused him. I started telling myself I wasn't desirable, which reflected in my self esteem, and in turn in the way he saw me. Then, when I was at an all time low, I started skipping more classes, avoided appointments. I shut myself off from the world, started lying more. I saw him playing video games as a sign of him liking those more than me, which I know now was so stupid to think. I used to like seeing him play, because of how happy it made him to play games with his friends. But that faded because I projected my own feelings on him.

Eventually things got better for a short while. He got some confidence back and smiled more. We started to have really good times again, even went out to dinner sometimes, or did nice things. We planned a future, marriage. Then something changed. I connected with people I had known for a while and became popular in a close circle of friends for the first time in my life. My boyfriend was not ready to be with these friends all the time, because he was still recovering. So I often went to gatherings without him. The popularity made me feel that desire I always craved when I was in a bad place. I still felt extremely insecure, but the admiration of my new found friends hid those feelings. I was without him too often. I told myself all sorts of stupid things about him, just like I had always done. Told myself he didn't love me, because why would he? I destroyed him. These friends didn't know much about that past, and while they showered me with attention I got distracted from the person I loved the most in the whole world. I started flirting through text messages, like I had always done in the past, seeking the wrong attention. But this time, it was a real person I was in contact with. I didn't really care about him, but he made me feel wanted in that wrong way. At a party my boyfriend didn't attend, I did the unspeakable: I started convincing myself I liked this person. Started getting closer under the influence of alcohol. That first party, nothing happened. But the flirting continued.

I think a week passed, and the lies I told myself became bigger and bigger. There was another party my boyfriend didn't attend. Again I sought attention, and now something did happen. We were close the entire evening, and when everyone went to sleep, he touched me intimately, and in the moment I did not stop him. In fact, I encouraged him to go on. Afterwards I felt extremely guilty and we talked about it through a text app on his phone because everyone was sleeping. I told him about the guilt, and we convinced eachother it was a one time thing. From there, everything spiraled downward. I kept trying to convince myself and him that I liked him. Because if I didn't, I was a monster, because I was cheating and betraying my loving boyfriend without a reason (not that there is ever a reason to cheat!).

The affair went on and on, most of the times I drank alcohol to feel nothing when I was with him. He knew I was in a relationship from the start. We had sex on multiple occasions and I kept pretending to like it when in fact I was on the verge of tears multiple times during the acts. But I kept lying and trying to convince myself I liked this person, when the truth was that I hated myself. I faked it all so well he never noticed I was faking it. And everytime I came home to my boyfriend it ate me up inside, and i would still do it again. Making the guy I cheated with invested in me, making him hate my boyfriend and like me more. I believe there were a total four days we were intimate together after the first time he touched me. The last time I even stayed over, and had sex multiple times without wanting it, but never letting him notice I didn't want it. In some sick way I thought I deserved it for everything i had done.

After that last time I ended it because I woke up, and I saw everything I had done. I tried lying my way back to my boyfriend, hiding everything, even tried to make the person I cheated with believe he was a second choice, and not someone I was using to feed my self hatred, hoping he would like me enough never to tell my boyfriend.

I felt so guilty and ashamed and poured all the love I still had in me onto my boyfriend. Desperately hoping he would never find out what I did, how I betrayed him and his trust, purely because I didn't realise how much he loved me untill it was too late, and because I hated myself so much. We even went on vacation as a couple and it all felt so trusted and I realised how much he loved me. I remembered all our good times. I was so stupid and blind.

Eventually, the person I cheated with got angry with me, because I had gotten off so easy: he was dealing with losing me (because he thought I loved him back) and I was still 'happy' with my boyfriend. He threatened he had the abilty to destroy my relationship and tell my boyfriend everything. I panicked and woke up even further: if anyone should tell him, it should be me. I did this. He deserves the truth from me.

And I tried to tell him the truth. But my habitual, compulsive and pathological lying and the fear of losing him led me to diminish the situation. I saw how hurt he was, what I had caused and I knew that the real truth would cause him to break up with me. So I told half-truths to save my own ***, saying it was a one time, spurr of the moment thing. And he forgave me for it, he still wanted to try. Untill days later he felt the facts didn't add up and I had to come clean. He gave me a free pass: if I told him everything we would continue to try to work through it. But I had been lying for so long, every time I tried to tell him a truth I left out parts, still hiding, still scared of losing him. I even told him that I liked the sex, when I know I didn't. Eventually he was so broken he couldn't deal with it any more. He brought me to my parents house and told me to come clean about everything to them. I did, and I told my parents about all the lying I had done my entire life. It devastated them. And what I had let myself become to my boyfriend devastated them even more.

After all this, some part of my boyfriend still wanted to try, wanted to see the girl he fell in love with in me. He wrote me a letter that still means so much to me every time I read it now. But in the following days, he realized the extent of it all. And after talking to his mother, he did not want to try anymore, told me he could never trust me again, never be with me again, but wanted me to keep him updated on my recovery. I cannot blame him for losing trust in me, and no longer being in love with me. I have taken several steps since then. I went to see a doctor, did an STD-test and contacted a psychologist. I'm trying not to lie about anything, and it's hard because I'm so used to lying my way out of everything. But I can't now, and I don't want to. I hate myself for doing this to him and the guilt is bigger than everything I have ever felt before. I don't want to ever do this to someone again, especially to him.

A part of me wants him back so badly. I want to prove to him that I can change as a person, that therapy can heal me and give me better understanding about myself. But on the other hand I want to stay as far away from him as possible, to prevent him from ever getting hurt by me again. I cut off communication with all friends related to this mess, including the person I cheated with. But I feel guilty towards him too, for making him believe it was more than just a self destructive chain of decisions on my part.

I don't know how to ever set this right with my ex-boyfriend, my parents and everyone I hurt along the way. What eats me up the most is that I'll never get to tell my ex the full truth, because he said the truth doesn't interest him anymore, he just wants me to give my everything to change and get better. He will never know how messed up I really was and he will probably always think I just wanted sexual pleasure, when I don't even know what I wanted. How do I deal with the guilt? Is there a way I can make him hurt less? Should I still tell him the truth even though he told me he didn't want to hear it? Can I do anything to make it easier for him?

And should I apologize to the person I used to stage my own destruction? I don't think an apology will ever make things right.

More than anything I want to improve myself an to show people I can be a good person, but I have lost faith in myself. And I feel empty. I don't know what to do.

I know this story is really long, but I hope someone will take the time to read it. I don't want to talk about it to the people close to me now because I don't want to make it all even worse. I'm lost. If anyone knows anything I can do, please tell me.

Keep speaking to the psychologist regularly. I expect that she/he will want to know a lot about your childhood.

You just told my story...I'm talking to myself right now...

I have a mental illness, which does not help and hypersexuality is a bid deal breaker for me.

What I was told....happiness is an inside job. Find out what makes you happy, maybe there is nothing. Find yourself out there. Love yourself. Do everything in your might to better yourself...for you. And the rest will follow. It's so difficult when you jump relationship to relationship. I was told that I have a codependency issue that needs fixed

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G750A using Tapatalk

Thank you, Sesiley. I hope therapy can help me find out why I did all this. Iknow my boyfriend will not take me back, but a part of me is still hoping. Finding hapiness will take a long time, i think, because I'm still very angry and dissapointed with myself.

I shared this story with my mother and a good friend. They both knew parts of it already but now they have seen my thoughts along with everything that has happened. It was hard but people close to me knowing more and being honest to them is really helping me. I can also see a change in my mother towards me, we are both more open. One day left till my first therapy session, or intake as they call it. I'm a little scared because I have never really done this before. I just hope I can stay as honest and open as I have been the past couple of days. I really want to be honest, more than ever.

Aside from the hypersexuality, I can totally relate to what you said. I became an adept liar and manipulator at a young age due to an abusive mother. I got sick of being hurt and punished over things that weren't my fault and sick of not being shown proper love or affection so I started lying and manipulating my way out of unfair punishments and lying in order to obtain the love that I craved. I became so good at lying and manipulating that coupled with a high IQ, I could deceive psychiatrists and other highly educated professionals in a similar career with ease as early as age 12.

Of course being this way causes me some issues in my adult life. I find that I often lie and manipulate without meaning to. I frequently deceive and push people out of my life without wanting to. I've ruined a lot of friendships and potential relationships over being this way. I'm not a bad person by any means nor do I wish any ill towards anybody; I'm simply too afraid of getting hurt again so I constantly hide behind a mask to protect myself.

I don't know how my story may help you, but I guess I want you to know that you're not alone.

As far as your question regarding avoiding your ex and the other guy, I would say yes and yes. Talking to them will accomplish nothing more than to reopen old wounds. I would also suggest blocking your ex on social media and blocking his phone number so he can't check up on you. While he seems to mean well, it's clear that he's hurt and likely won't ever welcome you back even if you do change, so I would avoid trying to impress him and instead heal your past issues and move on. If he doesn't want you than you aren't obligated to talk to him ever again. While this may seem harsh, even if you do change, it would likely take many months or even a year or more to heal. It is most likely that he would either be in another relationship by then or would be single, yet not want another relationship with you. Don't work to earn him back; work to heal from your own issues. Take care of yourself first.

Good advice. ^