Loneliness Or Something More?

Hello.
Over my past 19 years of life, I haven't had much affection or attention shown to me by the opposite sex. I am very shy and I feel awkward around people, mostly guys. I feel like I am undesirable because I only had one boyfriend in Junior year of high school for 6 months. I feel as if every guy I make friends with, I want to kiss and/or be close with. I enjoy when they touch me (ex. hugs, non-sexual) and it makes me wonder what it would be like to kiss them. About a year ago, I made the mistake of losing my virginity to a "friend". I did not initially find him very attractive but I became somewhat blind when our relationship turned sexual. I very much enjoy kissing and being close, as I have said before. One night, we slow danced to a song on the radio and I didn't know how to get out of the dance without seeming rude, and he seemed like he really wanted to kiss me, so i kissed him. He convinced me to have sex with him. We had sex multiple times afterwards because we had a safe place to go, very frequently. I never enjoyed myself very much and never once achieved orgasm. I disgust myself and I realize that mistake was made through loneliness and my need to be close and rush relationships to get to the good parts. That whole thing ended about 10 months ago. No one else has showed interest in me since about 2 weeks ago. I have recently made a friend and he has been flirting with me. He lays on my lap and teases me (non-sexual). He will find ways to be close or touch me. I do not think of myself as a flirty person but my roommate has told me that I am leading him on. Recently, I have felt the urge to cuddle/be close with him. I wish I could just be friends with someone. That is ALWAYS my initial intention but my loneliness, maybe even desperation, turns it into something else. My friends think I have high standards because i am never happy when guys give me attention. I do have high standards but I will kiss anyone who I find remotely attractive and gives me attention, apparently. And then I will drag it on because I don't want to lose this person, although they leave me unfulfilled. I know that's wrong but a part of me can't help it when the opportunity arises because it doesn't happen often at all. I just really need help. I don't know what to do about this and i wish I didn't have these feelings.

I can see your roommate's point. If a guy lays on your lap, there is a very good chance that he is going to think of you in a sexual way.

The thing is, in relationships we can't really rush to get to the good parts. What we reach by rushing isn't likely to turn out to be the "good part" that we are yearning for.

Are you a student in college? If so, my suggestion is to speak to a therapist at the campus counseling center. I think that a therapist (whether or not at college) can help you figure out what is going on with you and help you towards the fulfillment that you seek.

I hope that you will be compassionate with yourself. What you have written sounds completely normal to me. A lot of relationship success depends on timing.

Most every young (& even older) single person that I know laments the conflicting messages that their brain gives off. One part is clamoring "Sex, sex, sex!" Another part is saying "Love, love, love!" and yet another part is often saying "This person is probably best kept as a friend, friend, friend!"

The competing messages inside our head and body can start to become overwhelmingly confusing.

Counseling/therapy can pretty much always be helpful at helping to clarify what we want from life.

Hugs.