[Partless]

I'm in my mid-30s, due to severe depression and trauma most recently, spent over a decade of my life alone, often suffering tremendously. I did relate with my parents, my on and off abusive mother, with whom I've had a long complex relationship, and my rather distant father, with whom I've had a more unemotional relationship. During this time I broke relation with a couple of "friends", my only friends really but just college friends, we did not speak about personal things. SO I posted online or just spent time by myself.

I've had enough therapy and meds to help me come up to breathe from the hellhole of neurosis, but I don't know where to go from here. I don't have a job and would like to be able to start doing something on the side, or maybe take a course (I went to college many years ago and still have intelligence, I hope, to take a short couple year long program).

But I have great difficulty trusting people, and on top of that I'm very shy (blush at almost anything) and introverted person, so having been away for such a long time scares me. I keep fearing running to people I know and feel absolute humiliation as I start to perspire and explain what's been happening with me. I don't know how to integrate.

Yet to stay alone for much longer is too painful. Though shy, I've enjoyed good relationships, supportive ones, especially when there was a match between us emotionally and personality wise. But I'm so rusty. The whole thing feels overwhelming. I keep imagining people asking me questions and thinking I'm crazy.

Have you been in a similar situation or have you met anybody who had been away for a very long time and tried to reintegrate into society or your close circle of friends? How did you feel towards this person? Or how were you treated by others, if you've been in this situation. I really really appreciate any constructive help and suggestion. I'm scared but I know there is a way.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Partless

I'm in my mid-30s, due to severe depression and trauma most recently, spent over a decade of my life alone, often suffering tremendously. I did relate with my parents, my on and off abusive mother, with whom I've had a long complex relationship, and my rather distant father, with whom I've had a more unemotional relationship. During this time I broke relation with a couple of "friends", my only friends really but just college friends, we did not speak about personal things. SO I posted online or just spent time by myself.

I've had enough therapy and meds to help me come up to breathe from the hellhole of neurosis, but I don't know where to go from here. I don't have a job and would like to be able to start doing something on the side, or maybe take a course (I went to college many years ago and still have intelligence, I hope, to take a short couple year long program).

But I have great difficulty trusting people, and on top of that I'm very shy (blush at almost anything) and introverted person, so having been away for such a long time scares me. I keep fearing running to people I know and feel absolute humiliation as I start to perspire and explain what's been happening with me. I don't know how to integrate.

Yet to stay alone for much longer is too painful. Though shy, I've enjoyed good relationships, supportive ones, especially when there was a match between us emotionally and personality wise. But I'm so rusty. The whole thing feels overwhelming. I keep imagining people asking me questions and thinking I'm crazy.

Have you been in a similar situation or have you met anybody who had been away for a very long time and tried to reintegrate into society or your close circle of friends? How did you feel towards this person? Or how were you treated by others, if you've been in this situation. I really really appreciate any constructive help and suggestion. I'm scared but I know there is a way.

The ability to trust another person, obviously, starts with the parents. If as a child you couldn't trust them or they weren't there to support you emotionally, or hurt you in some ways, you begin to feel as though no one can be trusted. Once you look at someone with a fresh set of eyes, giving them a clean slate so to speak, you can begin to open up in little ways, a little at a time. You need to let them show you they can be trusted. Basically, take a leap of faith at some point. Just take the leap. Get to know them, who they are, what their history is, etc.

I keep imagining people asking me questions and thinking I'm crazy. -- You are living in your own head and keeping yourself weighed down by your own negative thinking. You're not crazy, are you? No. You've struggled with some things, just like everyone else. Sure, maybe, you had a little bit more of a difficult time than some people, but, you're still here of sound mind and seeking to re-integrate. Everyone has struggles.

Take some time to focus on your positive attributes and work to bring them out more. Take a look at the things you don't like about yourself and your life. Work on one of those things for a bit. Once you start enhancing the positives and whittling down on the things you aren't happy with, you will start feeling more balanced and in control, confident, etc.

It's a process, not an event. Be patient and kind to yourself.

"Leap... and the net will appear" Shakti Gawain

Have you heard of CBT (Cognative Behaviour Therapy)? Perhaps you have done it already.

I am scheduled later this fall to participate but have already taken a look at it on my own. Based on what I have done thus far I would highly recommend it. Thus far I have begun to track my moods and negative thoughts throughout the day. It has been an eyeopener just how negatively I think about myself and how these automatic thoughts affect my life - including the ability to make and retain relationships. IM me if you need more information on this.

Trust is obviously a big issue. But getting yourself out there is the tuffy. We've first got to get you to make aquaintances. You can have those and it can be rewarding to be around people. The next part - making that leap of trust - is turning some of those aquaintances into real friendships.

With your shyness and trust issues I don't suggest you try to immediately make aquantanceships into friendships. Let that fall into place later.

So, where to meet people? I've kicked the idea a bit around the site lately the idea of seeking out contacts at things like support groups, classes (ie. pottery, art, poetry), book clubs, etc. The thing about these is you need not participate until you feel you're in your comfort zone. One gal at my support group attended a whole year before she chose to speak she was so uncomfortabley shy. Still she returned again and again because even being around people for a few hours a week was helpful. She is now comfortable enough to take her turn moderating the occasional meeting.

I hope some of what I say is even a tiny bit helpful.

[hvert]

I have a couple of friends who will break away and reintegrate. They are not welcomed back by everyone, but many people will reaccept them. With one friend who does this, we just pick up where we left off. It bothered me at first, but I understand why it happens, so I just accept it. It may be a shorter break than you describe, 1-3 years. Both of the people I am thinking of will be direct about the fact that they weren't feeling well. I don't think you have to be, but I also don't think people will get weird about it. Just about everyone has been depressed or knows someone who is depressed.

I have taken my own breaks and find that baby steps are the way to go for me. I am also trying out not getting too close to anyone too fast, since it's too easy for me to just form a friendship with the first person who asks since that seems easier than having to keep meeting people until I meet someone I really like. I definitely agree with what rcat said about acquaintances coming first.

In your shoes, I would probably focus on finding new friends and not expect too much from the college buddies. It doesn't hurt to try, but there is a huge difference between who you are friends with when you are 20 vs. 30 (in my experience). I guess what I am trying to say is that if your college buddies aren't that receptive to restarting the friendship, it may not have anything to do with you so much as it has to do with just being at a very different stage of life.