[Macd123]

Well first of all I don't feel comfortable talking about romance, sex or anything that two adults might engage in as a couple. Also, I've never felt normal and almost a different species altogether. I've been in love several times but I don't think I've ever actually been loved. I cry a lot sometimes and believe that this will take years off my life. I probably appreciate more when somebody actually listens. I give flowers to acquaintances because I'm probably a romantic but never really was close enough to someone to know. I used to write very dark poetry - I stopped because it got redundant and most people thought it was negative. I think a lot about what could have been. My memories are all of me alone. When I dream there is sometimes people there - I want to stay even if it's very weird. When I watch TV shows of outcast loners I think I'm looking at a reflection. I have a very thick mask and I fool a lot of people. I no longer know why I stay here - I don't think I ever did. I feel when people look at me they know how desperate I must be. I'm afraid to touch anyone. God I hate beauty.

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry you are so lonely. I hope things improve for you. Maybe you hang because of the hope that things will improve and they certainly can. I'm really sorry you can't appreciate beauty. Sometimes beauty gives me hope that things will get better. Wishing you better days.

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[Macd123]

Thanks everything is just so dark inside - I've been alone since day one. After all these years I still don't know how to connect - to get close to anyone terrifies me. And yes I've done therapy and medication. I've never really openly shared, except with a therapist, how distant and abnormal I feel. Like I said the thought of having a relationship and having someone in my personal space doesn't seem feasible. I feel like a three year old and I'm waaaaaaayyyyyy past that. I always felt like everyone else has had somebody in their lives and it sucks. I don't believe in a deity so WOW. I just feel like if I told anyone about my social history they'd run so fast I'd just feel their wind.

Pass the mashed potatoes please.

You sound like a distant friend I have in my life. For years I seemed to be her lifeline She relied on me to get her out or do things. I never minded because I understood her. I worry now because I can't be there for her (I've moved far away).

She too get's depressed by the loneliness she has experienced most of her life. I've done my best from this end to suggest to other friends they try to offer to include her now and then.

So, what can we suggest for you. Again, as I've said repeatedly, support groups are good. What about an art or pottery class? A book club perhaps? There are also sites like 'Meetup' (no this isn't a hookup site) that give the opportunity to make connections based on similar interests. As for your poetry, I can relate to getting in the habit of darkness. I made the goal of writing one positive thing a day. It is slowly helping.

[Shaly78]

There are a lot of men here with problems the inability to love unconditionally. I also want to say make sure your mentally well so that your problems don't become his problems. Yes, it is okay to have things that stress you out, we all have those things no matter how much forgiveness happens that we just don't want to happen again in our life. It is great when two people can love each other unconditionally and compromise on certain things. Keep trying to find that perfect one. Decide what you can't deal with, what is a huge deal breaker. Don't beat yourself up, just know that it was the other person not you. Try not to bring that baggage to next relationship, try not too. It isn't fair for the next guy or therapist that tries to help once all is forgiven. Nothing last forever and I wish people would see that!

I can relate to this so much. I felt the same way during most of my teen and early adult years. I basically felt like nobody understood me and I felt worthless. Up until about 4 years ago, I was the nerdy kid who was always picked on for being different. I hated society because I assumed that everybody was like my bullies and abusers and I got into dark poetry, Gothic art, and macabre stories because I found them easy to identify with.

Still to this day, I have severe trust issues and I go to great lengths to keep most people at a distance. In short, if you aren't like me, I find it extremely difficult to trust you and I assume that you have a hidden motive for wanting to help me.

You're not alone in this way of thinking.

If you need somebody to talk to, hit me up anytime

[Macd123]

Well, like I said I've never really opened up about this because it just seems weird. There has been people who I thought showed interest in taking it further than an occasional conversation. The problem is my radar is so screwed up I can't really tell if somebody is truly interested or if I'm just overreacting. Even if they are interested I have another hurdle that is I can't seem to justify bringing anybody into a very sheltered environment. I just feel very insecure about having people hanging around. This is something I should have worked out years ago but didn't. I did therapy for years and I never really got to a point where I could deal with being with people. Funny thing, with help of antidepressants, I've had a career and now I'm retired. I've travelled alone and find myself interesting. The sad truth is I still cringe at the thought of physically being with someone - I may have to accept this and miss a very beautiful part of life. Change at this point would be difficult.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Macd123

Thanks everything is just so dark inside - I've been alone since day one. After all these years I still don't know how to connect - to get close to anyone terrifies me. And yes I've done therapy and medication. I've never really openly shared, except with a therapist, how distant and abnormal I feel. Like I said the thought of having a relationship and having someone in my personal space doesn't seem feasible. I feel like a three year old and I'm waaaaaaayyyyyy past that. I always felt like everyone else has had somebody in their lives and it sucks. I don't believe in a deity so WOW. I just feel like if I told anyone about my social history they'd run so fast I'd just feel their wind.

Pass the mashed potatoes please.

I can relate to this intensely.

For years I actually didn't care - I willingly ignored people, pushed people away, isolated myself. I almost don't know how to do anything else regarding people. A few times I've wondered if I'm schizoid or something...

But I get lonely. A couple of years ago I integrated myself into an online community and made several friends somehow, even had a disaster of a sort-of-relationship. The more time goes by, the more I realize how lonely I am. I wish I could be open, be expressive, be engaging, to actually be able to interact and not feel like I'm being drained of life, or even just feel incompetent and dull. But all I know how to do is put up barriers. Online is different - I have almost no barriers. Yet IRL everything's different, I have no idea how to connect and on some level, the thought scares me. I'm tired by the presence of others, yet the idea of being totally alone forever frightens me.

Sorry to go on and on, but I think I know how you feel.

Mac, there is no need to go from zero to 100 immediately. There is no need to go immediately from a conversation to best friends. I think you are putting some undo pressure upon yourself. Concentrate first on making aquaintances first. Just have those casual conversations and get yourself in the company of others. The rest will eventually follow.

I am surmising privacy is really important to you, so entertaining is out of the question. Would you feel comfortable in someone else's home? This actually used to be of great relief to me.

It is great to hear you have treated yourself to experiences - especially travel. The thought occured to me that you might be a great catch at an 'armchair travel' group. Just a thought.

[Serzen]

I believe (and of course I haven't invented this) that you need to learn and love to be alone first. Then you can start to think of being with another person (someone who has learned to be alone too).