Facebook Message Dilema

I replied back to him. I said.
My answere is still the same. No I dont think its a good idea for a married man to come round to a younger girls home specifically when she is alone. Showed mum the messages maybe I did misunderstand she says your intentions are clear and also asks that you stay away from the house.
I've blocked him now he makes my skin crawl and the idea of waiting for a reply back makes me feel sick so I'd rather not know. I know my reply was a little aggressive but I was quite peed off.

Well. The fact remains that he specifically asked about coming over to your house while you were there alone. I don't think that you can necessarily believe what he's saying about your misunderstanding. Since he knows your mother, it makes perfect sense that he would say that when you told him to leave you alone.

I think you responded in exactly the correct way to a married man who's close to twice your age when he asked to come over when your mom wasn't there.

Excellent work!!

So proud of you

Oh yes, very good job! It's unfortunate that being a young woman requires learning skills like handling situations like this one, but it generally does.

Great jov

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Good job and but of course he turned it around to say that it was you that misunderstood. It's like hearing, but I was only joking. It's a cover excuse. Where was the apology for 'the misunderstanding' with a clear explanation of his true intention?? Hmmmmm?

Thanks guys I really think I'd be a wreck without all the support.

I sort of regret telling my mum now like I thought I would but hopefully it'll be ok. She told me she felt she had to tell my boss what happened incase he came in store apparantly he was disgusted. Another member of managment who was in the office though defended him and said he is dyslexic and probably just worded it wrong.
I don't know about that though his other messages before where clear and straight forward. The only indication that he may be dyslexic was that he uses alot of text talk. I don't know anything about dyslexia really though so don't know if thats even a sign everyone uses text speak these days. I think alot of you will know what it's like though once one person points something like that out it doesn't matter if every single other person says the opposite doubt will always plague your mind.

Another thing my mum said is if he genuinely meant nothing by it he would message her to explain himself since they know each other alot better than I knew him and he is friends with her on facebook. She asked if she could message him but I've asked her not to I told her I've told him what needed to be said. Wether she'll be able to stop herself I don't know lol. She also said that he's a very arrogant man and that I most likely hurt his pride by saying no to him so he replied in a way that would make me feel guilty and humiliate me. She also said that even if his intentions where completely inncoent and friendly it's still not appropriate to ask someone thats so much younger to come round when they are home alone.

I also have this big fear in my mind now. My mother mentioned that he has a terrible temper and that he beat a man up once because he slept with his wife. She quickly said though that he would never hurt a woman. Her saying this though made a memory resurface. I remember working with him one night until closing. Another lad was working with us aswel who I would say has learning dificulties that are fairly severe and he is extremely nervous and would never mean any harm to anyone. Anyway we where about 10 minuits before closing and this lad came to tell him he's switched all the ovens off. And he just looses it shouts and calls him a really nasty word (one of the worst curses words that mean a ladys privates). Apparantly the ovens were on a cleaning cycle and weren't finished yet and would have turned off automatically once done. The poor lad was terrified and so was I tbh. He did calm down though and told the lad who was appologsing over and over because he was so nervous to just forget about it that it's fine although I don't recall him appologising.
This happened around 3 years ago and I completely forgot about it until now.
Now I have this huge worry that he's going to see me at some point (probably when I'm in work) and confront me in the same manner. I work nights and I'm on my own on the tills usually everyone else is on the shop floor working. I know it's unlikely to happen but I cant stop from thinking it.

Sorry for another long post but it just feels so much better to write it all out, I'm no good at talking really so express myself better by writing. I'm off work tomorrow and spening the day with my mum so will tell her about this fear not sure what she can do about it but I've bottled things up in the past and thats never worked for me.

Can you take screen shots and print the messages? It wouldn't be bad to have evidence of what happened.

I don't know, I really don't like how some people can get away with their stuff.

You did the right thing, he sounds like a bit of work tbh reading the oven story too. Try not to worry about what he may do, chances are very likely he will steer clear of you because he knows you're not afraid to speak out, he may well be wary of you.

I think jo_thorne has given the perfect answer,which is what I wanted to say.So I will not repeat it.But I want to add something-it is about your GAD.If you can control that then you will not worry so much about such things-they happen,but you have to immune yourself from such triggers.
Here is one post out of many which I wrote about GAD.It may help you
JEETE RAHO: Three ways of defeating # General Anxiety Disorder

Thanks everyone the messages are still on facebook I havn't got rid of them. I will take screenshots though just incase.
Thank you for that link those suggestions do seem very helpfull.

I don't have an update for you guys nothing has happened I've got work now dreading it if I'm honest but I'm sure it'll be fine.

It's me again :P

I'm quite mad at the the moment. After telling my mum in confidence she has now told my boss, uncle and my grandmother who loves to gossip.
To top it all up though she has been in contact with HR and our union. According to her they said he can possibly face disciplinary action, since he was aware of my mental health problems and use to be my boss they might see it as an abuse of position and taking advantage.
What's made me the most angry though is not that she seems to be slowly telling everyone (I'm angry about this aswel don't get me wrong), it's that when she told me about contacting HR she didn't even ask if I wanted to take any action just said that we were going to put a complaint in.
She was quite taken back when I said I don't want to report him. I said that I don't see the point that he'll just deny his intentions and they can't proove it. All it'll achieve is making me more stressed, and possibly making him angry/angrier.
At the end of the day although he's hurt me by doing what he did (although I doubt he realises this). I don't want to go out of my way to hurt him back it wont make me feel any better if I ruin his career. It will also make it more likely that this will become public knowledge if I report this.
She doesn't seem to get that I just want to leave it and let it pass. Don't get me wrong I do realize that she is trying to help me, it's just in the wrong way. I don't want revenge I just want to know that she's there to support me in the situation if things do become out of hand. I don't want to be the instigator in making the situation worse.

To be honest, I don't see that as a bad idea. Of course, I don't know the whole situation, if he is supported by someone in a higher position, how far this support goes or the implications of denouncing him for his abusive behaviour, but the fact is that he is abusive. I don't see how it can get worse if he has no support and you have evidence.

I understand your point, but I absolutely disagree that someone like this should just keep going with their life without having to take responsability for those abusive actions. Don't feel bad, it's not about hurting back in a revengeful way, it's more about not letting it happen again with other people and showing him some boundaries. I honestly wouldn't expect to go unnoticed if I acted like that with a coworker. He wasn't just hitting on you and it wasn't a "slip", he was using of his position to intimidate you and that's harassment. Some traits can't be accepted as quirkiness and it surprises me that everyone knew he was a creep from the beginning and no one did anything.

Don't be scared to call for help in case you feel threatened. Better safe than sorry. I'm sorry this is causing you a tremendous amount of distress, but sometimes you need to stand against someone, it's an important learning when you're a woman in this world, IMO.

Maybe someone has a different view on this, but I do think that he has a potential to ruin a work environment with his actions. I don't know about you, but I'd be terribly uncomfortable to go back to work after what happened.

That reminded me of something. When I was younger I had an issue with an older neighbour that had an inadequate behaviour towards me. He acted normal when he saw my parents, though, which confused me at first. But he was disrespectful and slippery.

As his behaviour never crossed the line and never grew into something more dangerous, my parents opted for the "good neighbourhood policy" because he had a daughter of my age. It still pisses me that he got away with that. I felt humiliated when I saw my parents politely greeting him and that's something I'll never do with my kids. I didn't want to see anybody's life ruined, but I don't admit people making me feel uncomfortable either because I'm a woman, because I'm younger or because I'm in a lower hierachical position at work. Sometimes being permissive with such behaviours is what make them grow worse.

On one hand I think it's great your mom takes step further and takes charge. On the other hand if you are an adult you might feel weird she makes decisions behind your back. But don't feel bad for this guy. No respectful married man ask young girls to come over when their parents aren't home ( or even if they were home). That's not what nice people do.

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I see your point. I think I'm honestly just too afraid to go through with it. I just think that he'll get away with it either way but if they investigated it and sided with him I'd feel so humiliated.
I know what he did was wrong and I don't feel sorry for him. I'm actually really mad at him. I just think that technically he did nothing wrong. Morally of course he has but from a work point of view I'm not sure if they'll find that he has. He doesn't work with me anymore and they might just see this as a personal matter
He was also recently promoted in his store so I assume they must think highly of him.

That he may have misworded his creepy approach due to being dyslexic? That's a new one. It's amazing how creative people can be when they don't want to believe their friends or colleagues are capable of unseemly acts.

Just wanted to chime in to say that I think you handled things really well, and that what he did was really not in the least bit innocent, because someone of that age has had exponentially more time to develop the ability to manipulate situations and people than a young person has, and his intentions were surely more than had thus far been laid out in black and white. He knew exactly what he was doing, and any discomfort he may end up experiencing as a result of barking up the wrong tree is his own fault; you are not in any way responsible for the results of his creepy actions.

Hopefully he thinks twice before preying on some more timid girl who might be afraid to say no to someone older who is really only trying to manipulate them into a situation where he can take advantage of them. You did good.