[DarkCloud87]

Hey Guys,
I recently got my heart broken by my first love.... (Crazy story, Kinda long so I apologize ahead of time)
A year ago, I reached out to a personal trainer that I found online. I met with him and I liked everything that he offered so I began training with him. Right off the bat he started showing me an extreme amount of attention, this confused me because I am a man and he seemed to be straight, he even had a girlfriend. I brushed it off as a straight guy just comfortable with is sexuality and took it as jokes. He would make sexual jokes, jokes about going on dates, going to clubs together, he kept asking me to come back and hang out at his apartment etc. Not a day went by that he didn't show some sort of interest in being more than just trainer and client.

About a month into the training sessions, I made a facebook post about another guy that I was talking to, I basically just expressed my strong like for him. The trainer, text my phone and basically questioned me about who he was and why was I talking to him etc. I told him it was private and not to question me about person business because I didnt question him about his girlfriend, the conversation ended. The next time I saw him in the gym, we were alone and he said "Who is that guy you talked about on facebook, that must be your boo, he aint got nothing on me though" I was kind of shocked and I told him that I didnt appreciate him being unprofessional and that I came for training and nothing else.

A couple months had passed by this time and he approached me in the gym and said he needed to talk to me, he told me that he no longer wanted to be with his girlfriend and went on to tell me that he does not enjoy sex with women and that he doesnt want a woman and asked me how to tell his girlfriend. We ended up sitting in my car for an hour and I just told him to tell her the truth, that she deserved to know how he felt and for him not to keep dragging her along. At the end of the conversation he was his usual self by making a sexual joke "Now that I am single dont think you will be getting no sex out of me, and he hugged me and said "I love you" and he got out of the car. I was completely confused and shocked.

He started texting me calling me daily just to tell me that he loved me, he told me that he felt like I was a blessing from God and that I had to remain in his life for the rest of his life. At this point I started developing feelings and I pulled him to the side one day and I told him that I had to stop training with him because he would not respect what I asked of him to stop making passes and stop being profession and that I felt my feelings had started to get involved. He said "but you know I love women, so theres no point in you having feelings, but I will stop coming onto you" I was confused again because he had recently told me he didnt want women anymore.

I quit training with him and a month went by and he asked me to meet him, he promised to be professional and asked me to come back and he would even train me for free, he even gave me personal account information to his weight loss business where I could get whatever I wanted without paying for it, he said he wanted to do it for me because he cared about me.
Time passed, he started back making passes at me, he told me this time that when his girlfriend moved out that "We are going to start having a lot of fun together, and things are going to be different" We had long conversations, we would text and talk all day and all night. My feelings got deeper and deeper, I kept telling myself that he was interested but was just scared to tell me and that I should just let him come to me in his own time.

Its a long story so I will shorten it by saying, one day he was in my car and he got aroused and I asked him what was going on and he became extremely embarressed and wouldnt answer me, this confirmed it for me but I was still waiting on him to tell me the truth. He knew I had feelings, he knew I wanted to be with him and everytime I said I was walking away he stopped me but wouldnt give me a reason why.
We eventually took things all the way, emotionally and became sexually active together. By this time my entire heart was involved, he was my first real "thing" and my first love. I helped him financially, he did small things for me. I even kept him from being evicted from his apartment. I bought gifts etc.

Months and months went by, things got deeper but we never had a title for what we were doing, we just did it, then one day in July he came to me and my world came crashing down. He told me that he was not gay and that he only did everything to get money and gifts out of me because he was busy worshiping himself and didnt realize he was hurting me, he said he knew I had feelings but he didnt realize that I was in love. He told me that he had a new girlfriend and he really liked her and wanted to build a life with her. I was crushed, my entire world came crashing down in a split second.
He told me he wanted to make things right and that he did not want me to walk out of his life, that he was sorry for hurting me. For the past 2 months I have been severly depressed, crying, not understanding what happened, now knowing how to let go. He invited me to come to his apartment to talk and I went, I went about an hour early and I told him I was early and this was his reply "I told you to meet me at 3, I have company and I am not leaving her to come out and talk to you, either meet me at 3 or go home" I was hurt all over again so I went and knocked on the door, he came out mad and threatened to have me taken away by the police, I was shocked, lost and confused. He ended up staying outside with me for over an hour and apologized for what her said, I was obviously crying and I told him that I couldnt be just his friend and I hugged him and I started to walk off and he said "I dont want you to walk away, I want us to be friends" I kept walking and he went back inside with the girl.

I am finding it extremely hard to let go and move on but tonight with tears in my eyes I sent a long text telling him goodbye and that I could not do this anymore and that I cared about him and I always would but that I had to let go and walk away to get better and heal. He hasnt responded.
I am so hurt and lost, I dont believe anything he said, I feel like he loves me and wants to be with me but that he cant deal with the fact that I just happen to be a man, but I cant keep waiting for him to find himself. I am crushed, he was my first love... I cry everyday, I even cry at work most days, he left me financially and spiritually broken and hes living a dream with a new girl and im here living a nightmare trying to pick up the pieces...
Heart Broken,
Matthew

[WifeofBPD]

Let me preface this with a big hug and letting you know that my heart goes out to you. As Cheryl Crow said, the first cut is the deepest. Our first love is almost always the most scarring and the most remembered. It's the first...there is nothing else to get a baseline for how we should feel, how things should go, etc. It is one of the hardest learning experiences you will ever have. However, it will soften with time and in retrospect, it will simply be a stepping stone to wherever you finally call home.

Now for the tough love.... You are better off without him, Honey. Whether he was simply using you or he is unsure of his sexual identity, there isn't anything you can do about it. That is one of the hardest realizations we have in life: the true understanding that the only person we can control is ourselves. He is obviously not ready for a relationship with you, even if he does truly want it. It honestly sounds like he has a lot of introspection to do and self work before he can be ready for anyone, male or female. I have no doubt that you are hurting and wish I had some sort of majick words to take it away, but I don't. And, while it may not be much of a comfort, understand that you are not alone in this situation. You are hurting, he is obviously hurting (whether he sees it or not), and he is choosing to hurt others in his life as well. Just think of the poor girl he is with now...what happens if he does choose to marry her?? The facade will only last so long and what then? Kids, a house, jobs, cars.... it could get very messy. As hard as it may be, consider it a blessing that you found out now rather than years from now after much more was invested in the relationship. Learn from the experience and grow from it, but do not let it harden your heart or scare you away from seeking a healthy rewarding relationship. No one deserves to have that much control over you.

Now...big hugs, dry the tears and get determined... As my grandmother would say... It's time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps!

~Seanachai~

[Bill3]

I'm very sorry for your loss and your pain.

(((((Matthew)))))

[divine1966]

I am sorry for what you had to endure. Take time to grieve and you will find good person one day. This guy is kind of bad news. I am sending hugs and good wishes

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