[peaches100]

I am trying to figure something out. Maybe PC posters can give me some clarity here. It's on the subject of relationships, whether they be friendships or romantic relationships, or acquaintanceships.

How long should a person be understanding, accepting, empathetic, forgiving, and overlook things that their friend/spouse/acquaintance does that they find hurtful? How long do they overlook it before they let that person know they have hurt feelings? How many times do they bring it up? How long do they let it go on before they decide to cut ties?

If somebody does something that hurts my feelings, I first try to be patient and understanding. I try to empathize with their situation and think of reasons why they might be acting that way. I give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not trying to hurt me intentionally and try to just overlook it.

But eventually, if I feel hurt enough, I will let them know in a tactful way that I'm feeling badly about something ("I feel bad that . . . ." or "It makes me sad that . . .." I try to be careful not to point the finger and blame them ("Why did you. . .?" "Why don't you. . .?") Then I give it a little time to see if they change what they are doing that has hurt me. . .or at least, acknowledge my feelings.

But if nothing changes, it is not long before I feel angry and undervalued enough to bring it up a second time. By that time, I will let them know straight out that I feel hurt by something they have done. I also might ask them if they value the relationship and want to continue it or not. I leave it up to them to decide.

Sadly, even if they say they are sorry and do care about me, I find that by that point, I don't believe them. I think if they did care, they would have responded when I first told them I felt hurt or sad about something in the relationship, rather than blowing it off and continuing on the same way until I'm ready to call it quits.

By then, I figure that I must care more about them than they do in return, and that I am more invested in the friendship than they are. Or maybe things have just changed for them, and the friendship is no longer a priority to them. Once I feel that way, I'm ready to cut ties and walk away.

It's not that I am trying to be mean or a hard nose, or even that I don't care about them anymore. I still do. But I've had too many relationships like this, and I've been hurt too many times because of it. I just can't do it anymore. I realize I've already reached my limit.

What are your thoughts? Experiences?

[starlight7797]

From personal expirence, you dont want to give too many chances to other people. I was in a relation ship for 5 years with some one who constantly put me down and called me names. My excuse to myself for his behaviour ( that he agreed with eventhough it wasnt right) was that he had a bad day at work, he didnt feel good, he was stressed, or he was just grumpy and didnt mean it. It took me a while to reach my limit and i regret allowing his behaviour to go on for so long. Another toxic relationship i have been in is with my own mom. This was brought to my attention by my wonderful therapist. She noticed that my mother and i have this re occouring pattern: my mom makes a bad choice , relasises she is in a situation she cant handle , then guilt trips me into helping her out. Its hard for me to admit this to myself, but i know its true. This has been going on since before i graduated high school. As much as it hurts to tell her no at the time, i feel a lot less drained and used in the long run. I love her dearly, but i have to cut her out of my life. I still see her on holidays and birthdays, but over all i feel better not having to solve her problems too.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you should start sooner with the boundary setting. Its SO true that we teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. If you are letting things go from the first offense, then yes, you're silently giving your approval for such behavior. By the time you raise the issue later on, people already know that they can treat you like crap and get away with it, simply because they've done it before. Yes, you'll kill more relationships from the beginning, but these are crappy relationships that you really don't want. I mean if someone isn't willing to respect you and your feelings from the very beginning, are you really losing out on a friendship? I'd argue no!

You can say things like "It makes me feel horrible when you treat me this way, I understand you're having a bad day but please don't take it out on me." I think that by avoiding any finger pointing, you're not getting your point across to these people. Honestly, the statements you're using make you seem a bit on the weak side as if you're taking on the blame for their behavior. Throw it back on them where it belongs and don't act like you're to blame for feeling a certain way. (I honestly think that a LOT of those "I" statements that therapists encourage us to use just make us seem like wimps. I understand that they do have their place, but if you're not saying them with force behind the words, people are really going to think you're a wet dish rag and disregard you completely.)

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by peaches100

How long should a person be understanding, accepting, empathetic, forgiving, and overlook things that their friend/spouse/acquaintance does that they find hurtful? How long do they overlook it before they let that person know they have hurt feelings? How many times do they bring it up? How long do they let it go on before they decide to cut ties?

It's not that I am trying to be mean or a hard nose, or even that I don't care about them anymore. I still do. But I've had too many relationships like this, and I've been hurt too many times because of it. I just can't do it anymore. I realize I've already reached my limit.

What are your thoughts? Experiences?

Hi peaches 100 : This is my experience. (I don't give advice because that's easy to do). I've
been through what your talking about. I can share my experience.
I tell people pretty quickly what I'm about and what I need from a relationship or whatever. I tell them when I feel hurt. If there is no response or attempt to make things work then I need to back off.

I've wasted so much time " waiting " for what I needed. Meanwhile your meeting their needs or not also.

The main thing I've learned is about EXPECTATIONS .I expected this or that and when it didn't happen things would get hot. If you don't get is selflessly and without always asking then you ain't going to get it. Some people just won't or never can change. It all depends on how much time you want to put into it.

[Bill3]

I agree with ChipperMonkey. It is okay to bring up hurt feelings at the time, the first time that they are hurt.

I would consider "It hurt my feelings when you...", or "Such-and-such really hurt my feelings."