[jcl76]

I am truly struggling with myself with guilt after I continuously ruining my relationship and friendship because of my emotions and always wanted to express my feelings with are ALWAYS during certain times.

I met a girl 1.5 years ago which we instantly had a connection like we have always been friends. Over 6 months we had a relationship because I was guarded and haven’t been in a relationship for 3 years from being hurt from a bad previous one. This girl and I tried to work it out and kept coming back because of our closeness. We both admitted we have never been with anyone that we are so comfortable around, nonjudgmental, accepting, and truly brought genuine value and happiness to each other’s lives!

She finally decided that she doesn’t see us being more than friends and like every time I poured my feelings out and it was overwhelming to her is why we couldn’t be together. She lost her attraction intimately under stably because obviously girls are attracted to stable and strong men.
Problem is when we were together my BPD is really a non-issue, but it’s the split up and rejection send me for a loop!
She also has her issues to where her strength comes from (whether healthy or not) being able to sweep feelings under the rug and suppressing them while I want to talk and be open. That’s where her stress comes from me. It’s come to feel like purgatory and a love hate relationship. While I need communication and openness when avoids a lot to protect my feelings although I respect and can handle the opposite and it crushes me that communication would help solve some of it.
We both wanted it to work and we both want to be friends so bad because we have so many good memories, and been through so much with me being there and loving her kids too. I am 40 and have been married and I am terrified of being alone forever because of BPD. I can’t control who I am although I can’t stand the man I am.
I can say with honesty I have never met a girl who I have these feelings for, and its like I finally found the best connection ever and I ruined it now I cannot shake the guilt and forgive myself. I cant even forgive her for simply deciding I am not the one for her which I should be able to respect and accept.

I just need encouragement more than ever

[Skeezyks]

Hello jcl76: I'm sorry to read of your difficulty. I'm afraid I don't have any particular suggestions for you with regard to this. Hopefully the two of you can remain friends &, perhaps over time, this lady's perspective may change. If not, there's not much you can do but move on. In the meantime, hopefully you are involved in some therapeutic activities to help you to address your BPD. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find the companionship you seek...