4 long years of love..i need advice and support please (long post) feeling lost

Hello and thank you for reading this and offering your suggestions. Thoughts:
My S.O and I have been together for 4 years in December. I was 18 turning 19 and he was 20 turning 21. (now 23/25)
We met while we were working at a retail clothing store. We started talking and had an immediate attraction towards each other. He asked me for a date and the rest is history. BUT while we were only talking/dating without a talk about exclusivity, I was still trying to detach and break off my past relationship of 2 years with my “first love” , as soon as I met him I lost interest in my past and broke it off. But there was a mixture of dating both and being intimate with both for about 6 months. I honestly thought he was doing to same so I thought nothing of it. I broke it off and lied to him when he asked me when the last time I saw my ex was ( he had found out I was having sex and tested me to see if I would lie, and I did) we broke up for about 3 months and then we reached out to each other and began dating again. Then we decided to go out with his friends to a rave 3 months later and while I was on drugs, I began to lose control of myself and was spacing out and tripping out, his friend looked just like my uncle and it was causing me to constantly look at his friend (he thought this was rude and cheating which I agree was but I was under drugs and couldn’t function, I even blacked out for 3 hours and came to – when we were arguing about what happened) he forgave me and continued dating for a bit but he couldn’t get over this and broke up with me again. This time again 3-4 months passed and he missed me so we got back together. He said he forgave me and things started off again we were together for about 2 years including breaks at this time) He tried to break up 2x in the 3rd year but I always encouraged us to talk about the past issues ( that are still the issue of why he doesn’t want to be with me) and we stayed together. In June he broke up with me and we decided that would be the last time, we couldn’t keep going in the cycle and after 2 weeks he reached out me confessing he loved me(he only said it 4x to me in the last 3 years ) and how he regretted holding onto the past and he wants me in his life and saw a future with me – meaning marriage) it was everything I had always wanted to hear and agreed to get back together after a 4 hour talk.,.everything I thought was going great! He says otherwise. He was being distant like he used to be, and was choosing friends over me every weekend ( only free time to spend together) I don’t get mad that he parties with his friends, what I get mad at is he cant spare one day for me..like he used to in the past. There is this girl that I know likes him but he says no, and they hung out in his room alone last week , an hour after I left is room!!, I had no knowledge of this until my friend informed me and sent me proof ( the girl posted a snapchat of them together in his room) . I asked and he said that nothing happened, hes allowed to spend time with anyone he chooses ( I agree- just not a girl who I know likes him and doesn’t respect our relationship, she kissed him one night out and he disclosed to me the other day) I was upset and we talked and he said i have no reason to be mad, the only reason I am mad bc I have guilt bc of the past issues ive done to him, he didn’t agree to stop talking to her and we got in a huge fight about him not being able to forget the past and how it still hurts him so much but he loves me and doesn’t know what to do, because he has been trying for 4 years and even when I have showed him how much ive changed and matured( he acknowledge this) and how I only want him and a future with him, its still not enough for him to continue the relationship . we talked for 8 hours straight and said he needed time to think about it (month), and if he decides to stay with me that he will never talk about the past again, but if he chooses not be with my anymore- we had something special and he will have to leave it at that.
Also he says he doesn’t want to be in gf/bf relationship with me: he hurts at our past, he wants to wait to finish his PHD in 5 years to be official, and I get too emotional attached for him and clingy. I told him these were mere excuses and he couldn’t figure out what else to say. Should I stay or should I go? I suggested counseling but he thought that was a silly idea..... i am in love with him and know I can happily be married with him. We are both not abusive with each other, we support each other and laugh together , we truly enjoy our time together but he can't seem to move past. In the first 2 years of the relationship I was always high on weed and severely depressed-suicidal thoughts, he knows this but can't get over the things I did.... What are your thoughts???? I know we are young but I know this is the real deal... when your know..you know

Hi kitty. First, I'm sorry that you're going thru such a painful emotional tug-of-war.
Very hard and very disorienting!

OK, you've said that you & bf are "not abusive with each other". I'm truly sorry but I beg to differ: There is emotional abuse going on here. He is holding your past irresponsible &/or hurtful behaviour over your head, and is doing something my T calls "Push-Me-Pull-You". He breaks up w/you, but he never has to stick to it bc the instant he gets feeling regretful, needy,nostalgic, or even legit missing you, he can announce that he still loves you or w/e and it's right back to relationship, yeah? It sounds to me as tho he's really using emotional blackmail hardcore: You have no "right" according to him, to object to or even question any of his behaviours that you may find damaging, questionable, or hurtful. If you do, he's bringing up "But LOOK HOW BAD YOU WERE !!!" and suddenly all the power is on his side again. IMO that's incredibly abusive.

Whatever about my opinions: Ask yourself one question: How Long Do You Want To Keep Doing This ??! Bc, BTDT, and it took me years to realise I didn't have to let anyone (not just bf) have that much power & control over me.

BTW: His idea of keeping you on the shelf for later in however many years is pretty damn immature. Nice for him; jeesch! Best to you, Chyia, a lil mad at him tbh

I agree that his concept of no gf/bf for 5 years is completely unreasonable.

Kitty92, I am so sorry to read about this. It must be hell. This guy uses emotional blackmail like a pro! Get out, would be my advice...
Sending you a big hug!

I'm sorry you're having to go through this merry-go-round. But you're being really disrespected here. I'm afraid to say you seem to be attached to a relationship that has become toxic. You were clearly put on the shelf.

He talks about having a future with you and then says he can't go official in the next 5 years? And it makes no sense that he got jealous of you staring at his friend when you were high but then he can go locking himself up with the girl who kissed him.

To be honest, there's no point in counseling in a bf/gf relationship with ons and offs like this. It's up to you to revaluate it and if you want to go on with this.

I just read the book "Attached". He sounds VERY much like an avoidant person. Wants to be close, but not too close. When you want to be close to him, he just does anything and everything he can to make more distance between the two of you.

I say get off the roller coaster and find a guy who is more secure.

I dated who is consider the love of my life in highschool. I cheated. Then he slept with my best friend. We tried and tried to work things out then one little argument would bring up the past. Even after highschool years later we tried. StilL couldn't get over it and like that, I was over him one day. I look at it as a lesson learned. We both did wrong and just couldn't get passed it.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Lamictal titrating at 75mgs
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Sorry to hear about your problems ,,
Do you love each other , or is it just routine ? Thier are a lot of questions you need to ask about this relationship .
I hope you find peace and hope you both cN get an person to understand what is going on

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Get counseling for YOURSELF, to help you make a good decision for your life.

Thank you for your response!! Yes I do agree with you now that you say he is being emotionally abusive. He is. Yes I agree it is immature and will speak to him about this because I deserve to have my wants and needs met or at least compromise to a more realistic timeframe.

Hi! Yes he even told me you never should have replied to my text message or we wouldn't of been in this mess right now..but he's the one who reached out to me... so whatever

I am promising myself to leave it as that if we have another of these arguments, bc it is not fair.
It is not fair that I did things and it is not fair for him not to move on and let his walls down for me.
Thank you so much

i know he has now told me he will cut off his relationship with that girl and not disrespect me in that manner again... the thing is I belive him..as of now...
Yes I agree I need to have a more reasonable timeframe for the next step and if he choses to let me go over that... then it would be his loss. bc I am so available to him, caring to him, loving to him, and supportive.

[QUOTE=RxQueen875;4752853]I dated who is consider the love of my life in highschool. I cheated. Then he slept with my best friend. We tried and tried to work things out then one little argument would bring up the past. Even after highschool years later we tried. StilL couldn't get over it and like that, I was over him one day. I look at it as a lesson learned. We both did wrong and just couldn't get passed it.

Yes sounds like us, one little argument turns to the past 100% of the time. Except when its something miniscule like having an attitude or whatever

How long did you date for? Did you move on bc there was another person in the mix?

How long have you been apart for? Does he still reach out to you or vise versa?

Thank you for your support

Yes I used to be in counseling and was thinking of going again

It is love,, if it would be routine I think it would be very easy to leave and find another person eventually and just be happy on my own apart from him. But it is very hard for us to walk away from each other
We spent 8 hours talking about us and we tried to fully call it off but we couldn't make it happen.
Of course there is a level of attachment but I wouldn't say we don't love e3achother and I feel like I am right when I say we both want things to work,

Thank you for helping!

What other questions would you suggest? Or are thinking about?

Mending this kind of damage takes time and effort. I do believe it can happen if, and only if, the two of you are deeply inclined to listen to each other and speak your mind. Don't bottle up anything that might be bothering you. Be transparent and require him to be transparent too, otherwise it won't get better and soon enough you'll be finding reasons to fight over petty things.

While it's not good to set a fixed time frame for things to work out, you should listen to your gut when it comes to measuring this progress, which is not linear, but should be steady. Be careful so you don't get trapped in a relationship where you're both hurting each other.

Be ready to the face lots of moments involving insecurity, needing lots of reassurance, jealousiness, feelings that you're giving more than you're taking.

(And I wish you the best. I've been where you are and worked it out. I see so many people, from the same age, in the same situation and they end up breaking up, which kind of disappointed me in that 'I'm lacking of references' way back then. I really hope things develop in the best way for you, whether you're able to keep the relationship or end up moving on)