[Scapedaughter]

So I posted a little of my family issue in new introductions, but realise that is not the place for ongoing discussions about issues.

Just quickly, had a big family blowout over the weekend, where I was abused by a family member and then blamed and attacked by my mother for trying to publicly lay a boundary. This is typical scapegoat stuff, see "dysfunctional family handbook" =)

Anyways, that is how it was left, no discussion, no nothing. I have been waiting anxiously for the grand gesture that usually follows such a scene, or any attempt by myself to problem solve....However my mother took a slightly different approach this time by texting me and asking if she could borrow my electric massage machine for dads back. No acknowledgement of the bad scene during the weekend...nothing..... I sat on it for awhile, considering if or even how to reply and came up with this....

"I would like to be helpful, but I am not sure how gracefully communicate to you that I am not willing to pretend that everything is OK. How about I leave the massager in the letterbox for you, with the understanding that this is not me agreeing that there is nothing for us to talk about"

To which there was no reply of course, I'm not really expecting one.

Any thoughts of how I could have handled this differently?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Scapedaughter: Well... my thought would be to, perhaps, have suggested, to your mother, that you & she meet for lunch or coffee, at some neutral location. There the two of you could have had the needed discussion & you could have given her the massager. In extending the invitation, you could have emphasized the need to "process" what took place & to try to find some way of lessening the likelihood it will happen again.

[Scapedaughter]

Good point Skeezys, and in hindsight I should have offered up that.......if I was keen to fix things anymore. TBH, I'm still pretty raw and sensitive over what happened, and after years and years of trying to work with them to fix things, not only am I exhausted, but I am also weary of having it all put back on to me when I try. It seems that they can yell and scream whenever they like, but all of my communication is put under a 1000x micron microscope....and soon enough we end up having a conversation about how I messed up, or should have acted differently, or avoided the situation. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I don't even know if I want a relationship with these people anymore. That text was expressed kinder than I felt like being at the time. What I really felt like saying was....

"Are you F****** kidding me? Are you actually serious? You simply expect me to roll over and beg after the way you treated me? How about you show me how serious you are about having a decent honest and open relationship with me, not one based on how I am always the <insert negative label here> and maybe, just maybe I will decide to meet you half way"

[Skeezyks]

Well, Scapedaughter, I would have to admit that, in my case, I simply left my parents behind. (I was an only child.) This all occurred many years ago now & my parents are, at this point, long since gone. But I moved away to go to school & essentially never went back. I simply couldn't deal with it. So, in reality, I'm not anyone to be offering much in the way of advice on family relations....

[Scapedaughter]

Yep it's tough, and all I read about this particular family dysfunction is that in most cases the only cure is to walk away....it's very sad. I am a little in awe of your will and strength to follow through. I often cave because I have quite an isolated life as it is.....may I ask if you ever regretted how you handled it, esp now they are gone. That plays on my mind a lot, as my parents are quite old now

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I totally get where you're coming from, Scapedaughter. I am an only child and have a similar dynamic with my family. I haven't seen my mother in years (she abandoned me when I was young), I don't have any relationship with my father (I didn't meet him until adulthood). My aunt and I were very close but unfortunately, as it stands, we are not speaking and I don't see reconciliation in the future. I feel that my family has let me down, essentially since I was a child, and as an adult I've continued to compromise more and more of my security and what I need from them because I felt I had to just accept that they weren't ever going to change and that I needed to find my own happiness (which is all still true). Earlier this year something in me just snapped, and I was finally like no, I'm done. You can accept your family for who they are and accept that you have to make your own happiness and etc, but you don't have to continue to accept situations which make you hurt. I'm not saying that just because a family is dysfunctional people should abandon ship. But for me, the ship sunk years ago and I'd been paddling my little dinghy around in circles hoping to save everyone. And they just keep trying to tip me over. Anyway. What I'm saying there comes a time when you have to consider your own well being. It isn't selfish. And I think your response was reasonable.