Why are we ashamed of who we've become?

Hey,

I've just 'woken up' to the fact that many people, myself included, seem to be ashamed of who we've become as a result of abuse, which, to be honest, feels horrible and so wrong to me. As if it wasn't enough that we were abused in the first place, we're abusing ourselves for being the way we are even though we were powerless to prevent the damage from being done!

I've been on sick leave since the end of July due to IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and social phobia. I've got a month left until I have to return to a life of socialising, either get a job or go to school.. I can't even tell you how terrified I am! In all honesty, I don't think my IBS is due to diet or anything else it's usually attributed to - I believe it's part of my PTSD. Or maybe I don't even have PTSD - I simply learned, during the first three, four, five years of my life, that people are scary and not to be trusted, and my approach to life became one of 'I'm never getting close to anyone ever again because I don't want to experience that kind of hurt ever again!' - so I haven't been able to form better, healing relationships either. So now I'm scared to death whenever I have to have any dealings with people at all, which makes my stomach go haywire - hardly employee of the year material, someone who has to spend most of their time in the bathroom..

The thing is, I don't have a choice - I have to get a job to survive! So now I've been reading up on how to not be so scared, how to hide how scared you are, will people think you're crazy if they notice your dread/what if they do/will you get sacked.. I've read countless threads of people saying they're scared people at work or wherever will notice how uncomfortable/afraid/awkward they are and think they're mad. OMG. Why would they? Would they? Do I - no! If I see someone scared, I reckon they've got good reason to be. And yet, I do the same when I'm in social situations - worry constantly about how I'm perceived by others. Or more like, already thinking they're perceiving me badly. WHY? Why would they think less of me? What's 'normal', anyway?

Oh me gosh - I just want permission to be me! I'm this way for a reason, and becoming who I am was out of my hands! Would I have chosen a safer childhood - YES! But I wasn't asked

Love and peace to us all We're PERFECT just the way we are! Doesn't mean we're not gonna make mistakes - we WILL. But we can apologise whomever we've hurt and learn new ways of being - while being PERFECT every second and step of the way

Yes, your IBS can be completely due to anxiety. I have people recommending supplements and probiotics and all sorts of things....its NOT my diet. I know for sure its anxiety and I'm 99% sure that my trauma anniversary is in October because this is the time of year when my IBS-type symptoms set in. (I'm dealing with them right now and trying not to pop my antispasmodics like candy.) Carbs are my friend, meat makes me want to toss my cookies. I've found a protein shake mix I can tolerate, so at least I can try to stay healthy. I guess this is all a bit off tangent though.

I don't know what to tell you in terms of the physical effects. It seems like when the body is stressed, it has to come out somehow. I can calm my mental anxiety with coping skills, but when my abdominal muscles all just tense up and make me nauseous 24/7....there's not much I can do.....but wait. Sometimes this lasts for a few days, sometimes it lasts for months.

Do you use coping skills to ease your anxiety? I know that certain things make my symptoms flare (and for better or for worse, I'm avoiding those things right now, even though I know avoidance isn't the answer.)

You don't really need permission, but for intents and purposes, you have my permission to be yourself

I'll clue you into my personal way of perception. Typically, I embrace individuality. On outside appearance, some seem quiet, some don't. Strike at me in a figurative way and I'll begin to wonder. City speak is we're all jakked. Basically, means, we all have our own struggles. Which adds to people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones lest karma catches up. I've discovered, most people are self absorbed, not in some pathological way, but the focus is more on what's happening overall in their life. More often than not too busy to notice things such as anxiety, phobias, et al.

We wish the outside world was a more accepting place... *sigh....but I guess that's partly why we have our own inner worlds...-me.