[alieninshadows]

I suspect my mom has alienated me from my dad. It feels like mind games were played at my expense.
I was a baby when they divorced. My dad quickly met someone else (I think it was the lady who babysat me because I remember her in my life, babysitting me when I was about 1 1/2 or 2 years old (I do have memories of when I was a baby and toddler). My mom has told me my dad left her for the babysitter. But this was changed to "I don't know." later on.
I don't recall her being pregnant or my oldest half-brother as a baby. But I didn't know what pregnancy was or where babies came from. He's just 2 years younger than me. My mom, recently, told me that my half-brother was adopted by my dad and his wife. This was never mentioned or confirmed so I never asked but my mom said I should ask my brother this. Are you kidding me? My mom was in a weird in-your-face mood at the time. Sometime after that she said that she doesn't know if he's adopted.
When I was at my half-brothers wedding, my dad's wife's mom said she wanted to go talk to my half-brothers sister. This dumbfounded me. I'm the only girl my dad has ever had, as far as I know. Apparently this other sister is from my dad's wife's relationship before him. But I never heard of this girl. Ever.
Over recent years, I have discovered other things in my mom's side and dad's side I didn't know. My dad's side seems the most mysterious nowadays. I've noticed they never talk about anything in the past.
When I was a kid, my mom remarried and we moved out of province for a couple years. I visited my dad once or twice during the summers. When I moved back, my mom divorced.
A few years later, when I went to my dad's for my birthday they got into a fight when he was supposed to drop me off. I don't know what they were saying. I think it was that my dad wanted to spend extra time with me. He might have said something that my mom took the wrong way.
After that fiasco, I distinctly remember being told I wasn't allowed to talk to my dad or his side of the family. This crushed me for a long time. Years. I was very close to my granny. I loved spending time with my half-brother and always considered him my actual brother. I had another half-brother that was becoming attached to me. He would cry and cling to me when I would have to go back to my mom's.
My mom flipped back and forth on her reasoning why I can't contact my dad. She told me my dad doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She's said I'm not allowed because they can't get along during the brief pick up and drop off times. She said my dad wants to keep me at his place and keep me from my mom. She's said some ugly things that he's done to her before they divorced. One story goes that my dad thought it was more important to buy coffee for his co-workers than diaper rash cream. But it's all between my dad and my mom. My dad rarely, if ever, says anything bad about my mom. He makes some jabs, but nothing malicious.
My mom isn't perfect and neither is my dad. I remember my dad being strict and we knew when we did wrong. My dad's wife was more abusive and used humiliation tactics for discipline, mainly on me than my brothers. So, that left me a bad impression of her. I was actually glad I didn't live with her. I always felt she had some sort of grudge against me and only acts nice to me to please my dad. But I was very scared of her. It didn't take much to set her off.
I would complain to my mom about it and then she would use this information to remind me of why living with my dad or just visiting him is the worst idea. She would rub this in whenever I said that I wish I could see him.
I'm sorry if this is long, I'm trying to make it as short as possible.
One day, when I was 16, I asked my mom if I could try and call my dad. Oddly enough, she said enthusiastically, "Yes, that would be good. I'm sure they would like to hear from you. I never said you couldn't call them.".....What? I spent 5 years not seeing or hearing from him. Spent years upset over it and then she made it sound as if I choose not to call him. My dad's family seemed to think so, too.
Since then my mom has been very interested in hearing gossip of the crazy things my dad's wife does and says and how she parents. I'm in my 30s now and my dad doesn't make much of an effort to contact me. Just around the holidays and drops off presents. His visits are brief. I once held a BBQ and invited him and the family over to try out the new BBQ he bought for me. His wife was very hasty about it. Apparently she scheduled something else, another visit to a friends that same day. This seems to be a pattern.

My dad will only visit when it's most convenient for them. I don't drive and they live about an hour out of town so there isn't a good way for me to visit unless they are willing to invite my ex (whom I get along with). But even when we were together and did go out there to visit my dad he never made too much of an effort to go out of his way to see me. When he did it was awkward but nice. When I did go over to his place with my own family, he would always be working on the farm and not spend any time with me. Again, I would have to go out into the farm and seek him out. I wonder if he was like that with my brothers. But probably not. They are hockey nuts and I hate hockey. That's the only time I've seen my dad really make time for us as older kids and adults. When he lived in the city with my brothers he always took us places and spent time with us. I don't know what happened during that hiatus away from them.
I was never asked what happened or why I wasn't contacting him. His wife keeps making statements about how I should call them more often. But they don't call me. I call them. I'm now tired of a one-sided dad/daughter relationship.
I feel very left out of that part of my family. I was excluded from giving any speeches at my oldest brother’s wedding and completely not invited my 2nd brother’s wedding. I haven't seen all but one of my nephews and niece.
I’m close to my mom and her side of the family. But there are things my mom says and does that makes me question the part I played with their divorce. I don’t think It’s right that she slandered my dad as much as she did. I would never tell my daughter hateful things about her dad no matter what. What I experienced as I grew up definitely shaped how I parent. But I wonder if my mom was right.
She now says she didn’t want me contacting my dad because she said that when I was a kid I would try to phone him and he wouldn’t want to talk to me and then I would get upset. I don’t know the situation behind this. I know there was a time when I tried to call my granny in the hospital and we got the wrong number and this scared me and I cried. But I can’t even think back and try to remember this time.
I feel like some of what she says rings a bell but I don’t know if it’s an actual memory or a product of an implanted memory. Like, as if my mom was trying to brainwash me. She did admit that she didn’t want me to be with my dad because I was hers. This sounds possessive. My mom has admitted she didn’t want kids before she had me. She claims I was a handful. I don’t think I was. I wasn’t in trouble with the law or anything. But I know from when I was a teenager and how she views what my daughter was like as a baby, she tends to exaggerate. She could barely stand being around my daughter until she was school aged.
Again, I’m sorry for the length. As I’m typing this I’m pondering. Still trying to figure things out.
When I was a baby, I remember falling and hitting the floor. I remember it like it was a dream but I felt the stinging pain all over and screaming and crying and just feeling betrayed. My mom says I fell off the change table. But I remember seeing my mom and her holding me and then her dropping me. I remember having a sense of being not wanted by my mom. But there are some good memories of my mom with me. So, she hasn’t been a monster towards me. But I just feel there are some secrets that I don’t dare want to ask my dad. I’m afraid of getting in trouble or saying something my mom has said that isn’t true and may be hurtful.
Was my mom alienating my dad? Should I just give up in pursuing contact?

[Trippin2.0]

If your dad is still under the impression, 10, 15 years later, that you chose to cut contact, well then it stands to reason he wont make an effort as that would just mean he's being pushy.


Don't leave it up to him to clear the air, that's obviously never going to happen.


Go visit, and when you two are alone on the farm, ask him to clarify why you guys went no contact for so many years.


Then you evaluate the relationship from there.


Because while your story still has so many holes, its hard to make a wise choice regarding something that possibly affects the rest of your life and other people too.

[alieninshadows]

There's lot's of holes because I'm unclear of the whole truth, myself.
I find it intimidating to bring anything up with my dad. I don't want to have the conversation in front my "step-mom". As you can probably tell, I don't like her and she is part of the reason my mom discouraged me in going over there.

I guess it would help if I broke it down:

My mom's background (briefly): Was placed in foster care much of her childhood. She is still damaged from those days, but is coping well. She's been divorced multiple times. I'm her only child. We moved around a lot. I've come to realize over the past year that she is a bit of a narcissist. Very vain and materialistic, manipulative, stubborn, has epic rages if she gets heated enough and doesn't seem to be getting her way (but she's not violent. Just very expressive.) She has to win debates and arguments and will think of anything to make sure she does win. She's very insecure. When I was a teenager, she was more focused on having a life of her own rather than be a mom. She treats people like her personal assistants. She treats men like servants. Though she is doting on her boyfriends. She doesn't like to be alone. Very insecure and uses the I'm-a-single-woman-living-on-own-so-I'm-at-risk way of thinking. She has bad-mouthed my dad and when I used to get upset and wish I was living with my dad my mom would retort "What? You want to live with your step-mom? Do you think you would be happy there?" I just wished I didn't have a step-mom.

My dad:
I don't know a whole lot about him. All I know is that he's stayed in the same marriage since I was a toddler. He's strict and thinks my mom is not. He does compare how my brothers were raised to how I was raised. He says he thinks about me all the time. Will say he tries to get a hold of me numerous times. I have call display, voicemail and email. I don't see any signs of him trying as much as he says. He doesn't slander my mom as much as my mom will slander my dad. He's now been better by asking me about how everyone is on that side of my family, but I have to wonder what his intentions are. He has told me that he never talked with me about things in the past because I was too young. I didn't think of it that way, because my mom always spilled so much on me that I thought it was normal. A few months ago, he said he would come by and take me out for coffee in October. Well, October came and left and I haven't heard from him. The constant rejection isn't something I think is healthy in my life and I question to think if my mom was right.

My dad's wife ("step-mom"):
Abusive. Used humiliation tactics for discipline. Guilt trips. I hate her. I really do. I've witness her smack a plastic mixing spoon on my youngest brothers hand, leaving a mark. My daughter didn't mind this monster step-mom, until she guilt tripped my daughter for not eating all her breakfast despite that she declined the amount of food my monster step-mom kept shovelling onto her plate. For some reason, I find this woman more intimidating than my mom. But that just says a lot about how much more abusive and unhinged my "step-mom" can be. My mom rages and can be scary, but no matter how much I screw up my mom would never have done the things my dad's wife has done to me. Plus, it takes more to upset my mom. My dad's wife is strict with grades and has degraded me for not getting A+. Apparently, from what my mom has said, my dad would use his badge to go to my school and get a copy of my report card. I don't think this is completely true. But I know that my dad was more aware of my marks than I thought. But he was never involved in my tutoring or offering to pay for extra programs to help me. My mom did all that. My dad's wife would gloat about how good her sons were in school and show-off how much taller they are, more helpful and busier they are with jobs, school and sports. She would look at me and comment on how short I am (I'm 5'5. Not that short. But she's a bit more taller and my brothers are giants. Past 6') She's always comparing me to others. I remember eating watermelon over there, and my brother's friend was over. I'm not the tidiest of eaters, and, come on, it's watermelon. But my dad's wife has to say "Look at how sloppy _ is of an eater. See, __ is soooo much more cleaner." Ugh. The darkest, most weirdest thing, though, is when I was pregnant she said that she had abortion pills she could give me. I had no intentions, whatsoever, in terminating my pregnancy. Yes, I was young, but I had a good support system and I was determined, full-heartedly, at keeping my kid. She knew this. But she was really trying to push it. What freaked me out more, I think, was that she had abortion pills laying around at home. I wonder how many fated siblings I have. Then I had a realization. I have 3 brothers my dad has had with his wife. He's been with her for so long. I am his only daughter. Yet, it seems he has no interest in being a big part in my life, or it seems.
My brothers are older and have kids of their own. I think out of the nine, there is only one girl. Actually, 2. My brother's earlier girlfriend got pregnant with his kid and, well, they had a girl and this baby is not to be mentioned. My brother and the family refuse to have anything to do with her and his daughter. I don't know exactly what happened. Maybe it's not his. I don't know. It's just uncanny how many girls are being rejected by my "step-mom" and dad. My dad doesn't even seem to have a desire to see my daughter. Whenever he does visit it's always during school time.

Me:
I'm confused. I'm intimidated. I feel like I was put into adult situations when I was a kid. I feel like my mom manipulated me and alienated my dad. I feel she is full of herself and is narcisstic. I feel like she just wanted me so she would be the winner of something in a ugly divorce.
My mom has told me to not call my dad and that my dad didn't want to talk to me again. I don't know how you can say that to your child.
When my dad's mom died, I was given an envelope of stuff and among it were long letters that went back and forth between my mom and my grandma. I don't know if this was given to me by accident or on purpose, but I don't think I should have seen it. They were letters from long ago. Lot's of hurtful things were said and it left more questions and more opportunities for my mom to manipulate the whole situation with my dad. Again, I feel like I'm being pitted in the middle. I feel like if I went to my dad with any of this information that I would be the one who gets the blame. It's to the point that I would just prefer to not speak with anyone. But then my dad's side of the family would think I was purposely avoiding everyone all that time.