[LucyD]

Hi. I am having trouble with telling this man what I need to tell him. You see I have been talking with him online. He lives not too far away. He has hardly said anything much about himself online and a little more about his work when I called him. I hardly know him. We were supposed to have dinner today at a restaurant but work called him as he was "on call." He had to call off dinner. Well that was okay with me of course. He has never called me although he told me he was about to call me today to tell me he could not make it to the restaurant. He asked me if we could meet on Tuesday instead and that he will be off work for the rest of the week. He doesn't have a car and will take a cab to meet me. Then he said he will spend the night on my side of town. I assumed he meant with me in my apartment. I got scared and didn't tell him that he cannot stay with me because I hardly know him yet. I want to tell him that before Tuesday. I don't know who he thinks he is telling me he is going to stay with me when we haven't even met yet! I need some support to express myself to him. Thank you.

[LucyD]

Also he has never been married and is in his 50s so I wonder if his way of acting is hindering him and has been hindering him for a long time.

[shezbut]

Maybe you should e-mail him, letting him know how you feel. I wouldn't advise a paranoid message, rather send a straight & simple message.

Like: "Hi, I am feeling concerned that you plan on spending the night in my area on Tuesday night. Does that mean you are hoping to spend the night at my place? I feel very uncomfortable with that idea, and wanted you to know."

Hope that idea helps you feel better and in control of how things go. Best wishes!

[LucyD]

Thank you for your reply. I just messaged him and asked him where he plans on staying on Tuesday night. I am waiting for his answer and then if he says with me I will tell him that's not possible for I don't know him well enough.

[LucyD]

Well thanks so much everyone for the support!!!???

[healingme4me]

Hopefully he meant that he has friends in your area, where he could stay. His comment is rather wishy-washy, no wonder you're a bit put off by any implications of spending the night with you, at this stage.

[LucyD]

Thank you. I haven't heard back from him as of yet. I wrote him another message and told him if he's thinking of staying with me it's not possible because I hardly know him. I wonder if I've said too much to him now.

[LucyD]

He just wrote me back and said that was not what he had in mind. I then asked him just what did he mean. This is very hard for me. I am a rape survivor with PTSD.

[divine1966]

Make sure you meet him in public place and aren't ever alone with him on the first date.

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[LucyD]

I've decided to cancel on him. He won't tell me the things I ask so I'm really tired of this BS.

Originally Posted by LucyD

Well thanks so much everyone for the support!!!???

It takes a while to get replies on here sometimes.

Yeah, I don't know. No offense, but he sounds shady.

I know (work with) men who are "on-call," but they would all have a car because the nature of jobs where you have call days are such that you need to be able to have reliable transportation, or you cannot do the job. I realize not every contract is the same as where I work (or other facilities like mine), but it would surprise me if an employer would hire someone for an on-call gig when they cannot provide proof of reliable transport (taxis don't count). I am of the opinion that he's not being truthful with you. With the issues you've mentioned, I think you deserve better. Not just because we all deserve better, and not just for your own well-being, but also for your peace of mind.

[LucyD]

I know he does sound shady and I just rather not deal with him any more.

[LucyD]

Well, I told him I had a cold and could not go out tonight. He messaged me twice asking how I was doing. Oh boy, this guy has me on a merry go round.

[ChipperMonkey]

Trust your gut!

If he is being evasive, time to say goodbye.

I have PTSD, too, and if someone isn't straightforward and honest, they're gone. I don't have time for liars and those who avoid important topics!

[LucyD]

I know what you mean about someone being evasive but I have noticed that a lot of guys who use the dating site would rather have you text their cell or call them. They don't seem to like to say much at the site. Some sites will tell you if they cannot connect with you at the dating site that may be a red flag. He has written me again at the site and asked how I was feeling. I told him not good. I'm lying like crazy. He asked me previously if I wanted to stay out late with him. That would mean using my car probably and I don't know him well enough to let him in my car. Just seems to me like he is kind of nice but he doesn't respect boundaries very much. I guess I'll just have to lay down some boundaries for him and if he doesn't like it he's gone.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I know what you mean about someone being evasive but I have noticed that a lot of guys who use the dating site would rather have you text their cell or call them. They don't seem to like to say much at the site. Some sites will tell you if they cannot connect with you at the dating site that may be a red flag. He has written me again at the site and asked how I was feeling. I told him not good. I'm lying like crazy. He asked me previously if I wanted to stay out late with him. That would mean using my car probably and I don't know him well enough to let him in my car. Just seems to me like he is kind of nice but he doesn't respect boundaries very much. I guess I'll just have to lay down some boundaries for him and if he doesn't like it he's gone.

I think there is something to that....I haven't used dating sites, but I have met people around the world on a pen pal site. Many people move over to email pretty quickly because they limit your messages per day if you aren't a premium member. In general this isn't an issue, but I have had guys tell me that they want to email because they don't want to disclose information on the site itself. These guys are indeed the ones to avoid. I learned that the hard way. I could have gotten the guy banned if he'd acted like he did on the site itself, but since he was being inappropriate after we'd moved over to messaging via email, the best I could do was block him. I reported him anyway, just in case there are other women whom he ends up harassing in the future.

[Rose76]

You have some good instincts. Keep listening to them. Never, ever get in a vehicle - whether it's your or his - with a man you haven't met before. If you're going to dinner together, on the first meeting, you meet him at the restaurant. You get there in your car, and he gets there however he will. You tell him that you have an appointment after dinner to babysit your sister's kids, or check on your aunt who is in the hospital - so you have an exit strategy. This is not deceit. This is maintaining appropriate boundaries. What you are actually doing after the date is none of his business. Simply say, "I have a personal matter to attend to." if you don't like creating a slight fiction. This first date should be a simple "meet-and-greet." After it is over, you decide whether you ever want to be around this guy again. You may not, or he may decide he doesn't dig you. You don't give him your address. Not yet.

If during the dinner you get scared of him, you say, "Excuse me, while I visit the ladies' room." Then you duck out the door and get into your car, or into a cab, and leave. Always have sufficient taxi fare whenever you go anywhere with a man you don't know well.

There are some very nice men who use on-line dating sites. Creeps and, even, ax murderers also use those sites. You have no idea who you are dealing with, until after you've spent some time in his company.

yes, my spidey sense was tingling. I think you were right to call this off

[LucyD]

Well, he keeps writing to me and I had a few drinks and called him. He talks way more about himself on the phone than he does at the dating site. He sounds like a real nice guy. I asked him why he didn't have a car. He said he gave his truck to his sister who needed it. I don't know why I keep communicating with him. He is pretty laid back and easy to talk to on the phone. He just does not say a lot at the dating site. The guys there often want me to call or text them. I have several guys interested in me now. Actually I don't want to meet anyone right now because I have gained a lot of weight and feel unattractive. One guy said he didn't care about my weight and he was overweight, too. I have been writing back to him and he seems very nice. This is a different guy from the one I previously was talking about.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I asked him why he didn't have a car. He said he gave his truck to his sister who needed it.

He's not really obligated to tell you why he doesn't have a car, but it's natural for you to wonder why. His explanation doesn't quite make sense to me. Who doesn't need a car, unless you live in a city with excellent mass transit? So he just gives up a basic necessity, simply to be a nice guy? It's hard to buy that.

[Sabrina3]

I'll bet he's married. I'd lose contact with him and meet someone else, especially off the internet! Yikes, that seems way too dangerous! Move on please.

[LucyD]

i've talked to him on the phone. Why do you think he is married? That never occurred to me.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Rose76

He's not really obligated to tell you why he doesn't have a car, but it's natural for you to wonder why. His explanation doesn't quite make sense to me. Who doesn't need a car, unless you live in a city with excellent mass transit? So he just gives up a basic necessity, simply to be a nice guy? It's hard to buy that.

I sort of agree. I once met a guy online and the first time we met, I had to drive because his car was in the shop supposedly. Well, it turns out he had no car and was living with his parents (he lied about that, too). I don't care if someone has a bad string of luck and doesn't have a car right now or whatever, I just can't stand the lies. Funny enough, I found his LinkedIn account and its full of lies! He started a new business within the last year or so and I wonder if his partners and/or investors know that his resume is a bunch of BS. (Of course I can't diagnose him, but he does have quite a few narcissistic traits.)

[LucyD]

Well, I called him today and he said he would call me back because he was sleeping. He never called me back. I feel like blocking him!

[divine1966]

It doesn't seem to go anywhere. I would focus on other men at this point

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