[OneInBillions]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I just don't belong anywhere and never have. All through school and even after graduating from college, I never found anywhere that I truly "belonged," like I was always the third wheel or the outsider in every group. In middle school I was bullied for being "different" and in high school I drifted from clique to clique, never really belonging to any of them. In college I gradually retreated until I became almost totally isolated from others.

I'm not sure what it is -- maybe a factor of my Social Anxiety Disorder or Depression, or maybe even something to do with the autism spectrum? But I just cannot "connect" with people for the life of me. I haven't had a real, true friend since early childhood. Perhaps I've been isolated for so long that I can't even remember how to make friends anymore. I'm not good at interacting with people on a personal level -- I am very nice and polite in everyday situations, but when it comes to a deeper connection I simply stall and fail.

I feel like everyone else was born with some innate socialization abilities that I simply don't have; like everyone got a manual that I didn't. Maybe my brain is wired wrong. I can't carry a conversation and I hate small talk. I always failed miserably at dating -- hell, I didn't even start until college because every girl I asked out in middle and high school rejected me. It's like I'm untouchable. I'm extremely lonely but I'm also far more comfortable when I'm alone.

I'm an "adult" now (or so they tell me; I still feel like a teenager in my head, emotionally retarded you might say) and I feel like my chances are gone. I can't relate at all to people my own age now because they all have spouses and children and careers while I have none of those things. Who would take a chance on a broken person like me? I'm just weird -- I don't fit in to society at all. And it really hurts sometimes.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way; I can't be the only one. Still, it's a lonely life.

[CopperStar]

In my observations and experiences, genuine friendship is extremely rare, not something that most people have.

Most so-called friends are really just people who are getting mutual benefits from each other. Maybe they entertain each other by sharing the same sense of humor. Maybe they have shared hobbies. Maybe Friend A is getting tangible benefits, while Friend B is getting some sort of dysfunctional emotional fulfillment out of the deal. Etc.

Like in my early 20s I worked in an office environment and made a friend "Anne". Well Anne thought I was funny and enjoyed scooting her office chair over to my desk to get some giggles during the workday. Anne also had financial and anxiety issues and appreciated that I occasionally bought a gram of weed for her. Anne also had marital problems and would vent to me because I was a "good listener". To others, it probably seemed like Anne and I were very close friends. But in reality Anne just enjoyed the benefits she got from our "friendship" and I enjoyed having at least one coworker who wasn't passive-aggressive with me at work. And in the end, Anne tried to sleep with my then-boyfriend, orchestrated herself getting let go so that she could collect unemployment and then never called me again.

I have watched many other people's "friendships" over the years and it's usually a similar story.

So if you are some who
A. Doesn't fall all over yourself trying to offer people things
and
B) Has hobbies/interests that are more solo-activities (anime, video gaming, etc)
and
C) Are not exceptionally attractive

Then it just makes sense that you will have far less (if any) so-called "friendships".

[Quarter life]

Hey OneInBillions.

As we go through life...we collect ideas that become our personal truths...and often our family creates them for us. Some truths we discard along the way...However, there are personal truths that we tend to cling to, even if they are detrimental to us. Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs...some were benificial to me, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous.

I now know that 99.9% of people care little about what I think or what I do...They care more about thier own lives. We can't wait for others to validate, laud or honour us...I now know that we must do that for ourselves. We can't make others good or happy...and we certainly can't make others love us.

I never married or had children, but I have found that pursuing worthwhile projects that don't need others approval is serving me well...A life well lived....And if I meet like minded others along the way, then that is a bonus.

[specialneedsmom]

I also, am not wired to relate to groups of people or cliques. I can relate to one person, one at a time, one-on-one. This helped me do well in job interviews, but not in the actual workplace when it was time to relate to groups of people. I always wound up an outcast. It does not bother me anymore, as I work from home these days.

My husband's brother is in his late 40s and has never had friends or a girlfriend in his life. He just works a lot, and apparently, is happy that way. He says he sometimes misses not having a girlfriend, but that's about it. I think he's embraced the life that he has, and says "it is what it is".

There will probably be people telling you to change and work on yourself. There isn't much we can change about our personalities. Unfortunately, our society judges people by how many friends they have. Quantity of friends is virtually meaningless, though. Its quality that is important. My sister used to make me feel horrible that she had lots of friends and I didn't. To this day, she has a very active social life with about 800 "friends" on her facebook list and has a big birthday party every year without about 100 people showing up. She judges others who don't have this same kind of social life. I used to try very hard to make lots of friends and join cliques, but I found that most cliques are very hard to get into and it wasn't worth the work anymore. I also firmly believe many people (not all, but many) are fairly nasty if you get to know them. Again, not worth the effort.

Many people in social cliques are miserable because they are always worried about being cast out of those cliques, and many times this happens to them! Then they are even more miserable.

I am a member of a book club and also some parent groups. When I see or sense things going wrong, I take a step back from the social atmosphere.

Recently, I was friends with two women in a mom's group, then they started becoming "best buddies" with each other, I saw this happening early on, and I distanced myself from them. Two's company, three's a crowd, and I have never seen this work out where three people could all be friends in the same way with each other. Two will always get together and eventually exclude the third person. I've seen this time after time after time. I am often disappointed but just learn to let it go.

[specialneedsmom]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Like in my early 20s I worked in an office environment and made a friend "Anne". Well Anne thought I was funny and enjoyed scooting her office chair over to my desk to get some giggles during the workday. Anne also had financial and anxiety issues and appreciated that I occasionally bought a gram of weed for her. Anne also had marital problems and would vent to me because I was a "good listener". To others, it probably seemed like Anne and I were very close friends. But in reality Anne just enjoyed the benefits she got from our "friendship" and I enjoyed having at least one coworker who wasn't passive-aggressive with me at work. And in the end, Anne tried to sleep with my then-boyfriend, orchestrated herself getting let go so that she could collect unemployment and then never called me again.

I know this type of situation, unfortunately, all too well. I got to know a woman a few years ago who would call me on the phone all the time, and cry about her bad financial situation and divorce. I started feeling that I should maybe offer her some money, but then decided not to. However, I got the distinct feeling she was waiting for me to offer her money, I did not. She eventually stopped returning my phone calls and emails. When I was no longer of any "use" to her, she dumped me.

[Serzen]

I used to worry about belonging in my teens. I was bullied a lot through both primary and high school.

I don't care anymore, screw everyone.

I have also given up on finding someone for me. It just never happens, so I realized it's better not to care about that.