He says he's trapped

Okay, so I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months, not long but he is wonderful, great sense of humour, very thoughtful and caring and just perfect for me. I love him dearly and he loves me too.

However, he is going through a very rough patch in his life for lots of reasons and I don't know what I can do or say to help, I'm watching him going in a downwards spiral and it's killing me.

1. He is separated from his wife, they have 2 young children together. She has recently started going blind and can't look after the kids alone.
2. His mum is diabetic and recently has been really unwell with it, he worries she might die if the condition doesn't get under control.
3. He works in a really demanding job that takes up a lot of hours and energy, lots of travelling all over the country and they don't offer sick pay. He can't currently leave this job as he owes them £9000 for qualification training undertaken as part of the job.
4. He is trying to join the Army Reserves part time as a musician but has had to appeal medically so must continue to go to all rehearsals and performances to show willing to help his appeal.
5. He also works part time for the Ambulance Service as a paramedic but needs to keep doing this for the money to make ends meet and support his kids.
6. He HATES letting people down and is a bit of a yes-man.

I worry that he's being pulled in too many different directions. I want him to be able to spend more time with me (he's not stayed at mine for 2 months because he is exhausted all the time and has lots of early starts for work) but he's always having to cancel plans last minute for work or family emergencies - unwell mum or child-care related mostly.

Obviously I understand he has a lot of stresses; I love him and want to support him but I also feel like I'm always the plate that has to fall so that he can keep the others spinning.

Can anyone offer any help or advice? I'm lost.

Hmmm... work is work, and nothing to be done about that in terms of it interfering with your time together. "Family emergencies" is something else, meaning true emergency vs someone else's idea of an emergency. Sounds to me like his ex needs to find herself a good babysitter. I don't know what kind of "emergencies" a diabetic has or what it means to be "really unwell with it," but maybe his mum needs to look into some help for herself too. Does he have any siblings or other family members that can help with mom?

I agree, his ex needs to find a babysitter and stop relying on him. I don't know what healthcare is like in the UK, and what is the reason for his mother's diabetic instability. Is she not compliant with her medication and/or diet, has her condition gotten to the point where she is compliant but she is still unstable, or does she have continuing complications from the diabetes? Here in the States, there are case managers who can help he and his mother try to figure out how to better things so that there aren't continuous crises to have to manage, or if it's a compliance issue then they can help her manage her diet and medications. But I know the situation is different over there--still worth looking into. I can appreciate that he wants to help, but of course he can't do everything for everyone.

If his ex is going to be unable to look after the children due to illness, there's a good chance that he will have to take custody, isn't there? Can you spend time with him while he is taking care of his mother or kids?

I believe he'll get the custody of the kids too if she goes blind, at least that sounds the most reasonable thing to happen. Parents are supposed to be ready for this, I think, no matter if they're divorced or not. Actually, his ex should rely on him for this, he's the father after all.

As for the other situations, many are out of your reach or even his. Why is his mother's diabetes out of control? Is she taking care of herself? Even if it's beyound his efforts, he'll still worry about her and this will consume his energy.

I'm sorry you're caught in the middle of this. Honestly, all you can do is keep supporting him, be patient and try not to guess in which position you are among his priorities because he is with you after all. He has too much to worry indeed and none of those sound like things he could ignore or opt out of. I understand it was such a bad timing as it's been only 6 months, but requesting more of him right now is probably the worst idea ever... :/

Yes, I was a bit dumbstruck by the "she needs to get a babysitter" response!

He's the dad! It's his JOB to take care of the kids if his (still) WIFE can't do it!

lol I agree dads need to take care of their kids. staticrhubarb stated he's separated. There's likely an agreement with respect to custody, and obviously she's managing to care for the kids when he's traveling for his full-time job, working the part-time one and doing the reserves. What I'm suggesting is the "emergencies" aren't. He can be the one to get the babysitter too

I think all you can do is be supportive if he's going through all this. Maybe discuss a small vacation away. Just a weekend or something. Even a hotel suite for a night. Just let him know you're there and that he can turn to you.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
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To all honesty he is still married. I wouldn't be suggesting vacations and hotel rooms or asking more of his time. I would be suggesting to either tell him to divorce her or go back to her.

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