[brokenandalone1234]

My fiancé wants me to dress more sexy but I feel so guilty when I am out in public and I am wearing something that shows a little more skin and a guy starts cat calling, staring, or making comments. I feel like I am doing something wrong like I did something to make a guy do that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin but at the same I want to make my fiancé happy. With the media telling girls and young woman that it is our job to guard a man's thoughts and by wearing sext clothes we are causing them to have uncontrable sexual thoughts I feel bad being less than covered.

Don't, he's asking you to do it so you should with no worries!!! Btw why is that your screen name yet you have a fiancé??

[brokenandalone1234]

I made this account back when I was single and feel no reason to create a new now that I am no longer single.

thank you for explaining the situation.

[ChipperMonkey]

If he doesn't love you for who you are, dump him. Maybe that sounds harsh, but you love a person for who they are. If he wants you to be/do something that makes you uncomfortable, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. It sounds like in this case he only cares about you turning him on.

[~Christina]

[brokenandalone1234]

ChipperMonkey I see your point but I was raised to believe that a woman has a duty to make sure the man she loves is happy. I really just wanted to know how to get over the uncomfortable feeling and make sure he is happy. I already try hard to be a good woman and keep a clean house, food on the table, and make sure he has what he needs for work. I whole heartily believe that a good woman strives to make her man happy in every aspect in life. I am not trying to cut anyone down but a lazy woman puts her needs above her man's. A good woman realizes that God designed it to be God, her family, and then herself in order of importance and tries every day to follow God's plan for her life.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

I am not trying to cut anyone down but a lazy woman puts her needs above her man's. A good woman realizes that God designed it to be God, her family, and then herself in order of importance and tries every day to follow God's plan for her life.

Wow. It's that kind of attitude that perpetuates sexism, domestic violence, sexual harassment, unequal pay, low self-esteem, postpartum depression, etc.

One partner, male or female, should never come before the other. A real relationship is an equal partnership where both partners' feelings, opinions, and achievements are valued equally and both partners support each other. A relationship is a team, not a hierarchy.

No woman's job is to dress in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable just so that she can please a man. It is your body. You should dress how YOU want, in a way that makes you comfortable and happy. If he cares about you, that is what he will want, too. If he doesn't care about what makes you uncomfortable or what you want, then you should be re-thinking the idea of spending your life with him.

Dressing provocatively is also never an excuse to be sexually harassed or raped. A woman is not responsible for "provoking" a man's thoughts or actions. That is just plain wrong. Cat-calling women is not okay, either. That is a form of harassment.

A woman who puts her needs above-- or on par with-- her partner's needs is not lazy. She is a woman with a healthy and appropriate sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Many mental illnesses-- past and present-- are actually partially caused or exacerbated by cultural problems, including structural sexism. The idea that a woman has to constantly put herself last and take care of everyone else's needs while denying her own is a huge contributing factor to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. The entire epidemic of "hysteria" in the late 19th century was the result of women being forced into domestic life and being prevented from intellectual and economic pursuits.

I really hope that the next generation of girls (and boys) will not be exposed to these kinds of sexist beliefs.

[Trippin2.0]

Actually its an excellent one!


Idk what it is about a man that makes a man more important than a woman, is it his penis? Because both are human and created equally, but anyway, I digress, I know from looking around me that the women in my life who SUBSCRIBED to this believe ended up miserable for all the reasons listed above.


Years later one by one of them called bullshyt, and realized their needs mattered just as much, that's why I used the past tense.


A relationship is a partnership, a partnership is a team effort, full stop. No ifs ands or buts.


Anything else is emotional and mental daylight robbery.

No comment.

[popuri88]

Actually, feeling uncomfortable to show skin because you think you're responsible for provoking men going ape is just the same thing.

Aren't men rational vs. primitive, emotional women? Then why it's our fault if they can't respect us? They get as much education as women do. There's no excuse for catcalling or even to threatening stares. It's disrespectful, end of the story.

You should dress the way you want, show how much skin you want, not because your fiancé asks you, not because stupid people tell you. Your will must be respected.

[divine1966]

Wow. So good woman must put God first? What if she is an atheist? She can't possibly be a good woman?
It is ridiculous you must dress provocatively even though you don't like it. Just to please him? If he respected you he wouldn't demand you dress differently than you like

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

My fiancé wants me to dress more sexy but I feel so guilty when I am out in public and I am wearing something that shows a little more skin and a guy starts cat calling, staring, or making comments. I feel like I am doing something wrong like I did something to make a guy do that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin but at the same I want to make my fiancé happy. With the media telling girls and young woman that it is our job to guard a man's thoughts and by wearing sext clothes we are causing them to have uncontrable sexual thoughts I feel bad being less than covered.

Considering your concern and then also the responses that have been made here, it's hard to give a straight out answer to this, because it depends on a few things.

first I would not quickly write off the fiancé as not having your needs in mind, as that is an assumption that can't be made without knowing more about the situation. If he demands that you dress more sexy and it is all important to him regardless of how you feel about it, I would agree with the responder that said this but I don't get the impression hat this is the case.

Have you voiced your concern and gotten backlash for being resistant to this, does he understand your reservations with this? If not, this is something that needs to be discussed with him and then go from there. If he doesn't care how it makes you feel, then I would say yes, there is a problem here and he's not focused on your needs at all. But until he knows how you feel, don't jump to that conclusion.

But also do not just disregard your feelings and needs in this at all. The idea that a woman should do whatever it takes to make a man happy is way too broad of a statement to live by. you are his bride to be, not his slave or subordinate to only tend to his needs and give him happiness, no, this is something both of you should be doing for each other mutually. period. So sacrificing yourself for something as trivial as being sexy and making yourself feel dirty, is wrong in so many ways.

By asking you to dress more sexy depends on what he is expecting too. Do you know the specifics and if you do and they are out of the question you should stand on your grounds and not give in. But again, this is something you should discuss with him.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

My fiancé wants me to dress more sexy but I feel so guilty when I am out in public and I am wearing something that shows a little more skin and a guy starts cat calling, staring, or making comments. I feel like I am doing something wrong like I did something to make a guy do that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin but at the same I want to make my fiancé happy. With the media telling girls and young woman that it is our job to guard a man's thoughts and by wearing sext clothes we are causing them to have uncontrable sexual thoughts I feel bad being less than covered.

I would tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, if you're an attractive woman you might get catcalled no matter what you're wearing. I've gotten catcalled wearing sweats and no makeup walking my dog in the park but that attention is always unwanted for me. It sounds like it's unwanted for you as well. Can you compromise like dressing up for him at home, or only in certain situations like going to a party not when just out and about? Regardless of one's religious beliefs, your fiance needs to respect your being uncomfortable and be willing to compromise.

[ChipperMonkey]

Well we have no idea where you live as your profile doesn't say so. Maybe you'd get more culturally relevant advice if you asked within your culture/ country.

But it is kind of sick how men expect you to do what they want just because they have a penis. It's not my job to make them happy! (Women, I think you know what I mean....)

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Well we have no idea where you live as your profile doesn't say so. Maybe you'd get more culturally relevant advice if you asked within your culture/ country.

But it is kind of sick how men expect you to do what they want just because they have a penis. It's not my job to make them happy! (Women, I think you know what I mean....)

I'm still wondering where you get the impression that he's been demanding or forceful about it so far. Nothing so far in his wanting her to dress more sexy has been wrong. If it's something that he demands or expects and places a lot of pressure on her for that I would understand your view but a lot of what you are saying in response made some very big assumptions and from the undetailed posts I can't draw those conclusins myself.

"kind of sick how men..." this assumes "men" in general once again make demands or expect things because they are men. Please try not to generalize that all or even most men actually do this.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm still wondering where you get the impression that he's been demanding or forceful about it so far. Nothing so far in his wanting her to dress more sexy has been wrong. If it's something that he demands or expects and places a lot of pressure on her for that I would understand your view but a lot of what you are saying in response made some very big assumptions and from the undetailed posts I can't draw those conclusins myself.

"kind of sick how men..." this assumes "men" in general once again make demands or expect things because they are men. Please try not to generalize that all or even most men actually do this.

Please try not to control what other people say!

You ASSUME (well, more making an --- out of you, not me) that I was responding to the OP in my second paragraph. I wasn't.

Yeah, some men do make demands because they're men! Don't try to control my view on the world because you don't agree. If you don't like what I say, feel free to ignore me, but don't ever think you as a stranger on the Internet can control what I say.

[brokenandalone1234]

His idea is more in the way of more form fitting jeans and shirts that aren't so baggy and less t-shirts.

[divine1966]

Then he just wants you to dress nice? Then why catcalling? Where do you live that men are so rude

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[Nihil]

If you feel uncomfortable with it, explain it to him, and if he's reasonable about it then it'll be fine. Is he insisting that you dress that way?

[healingme4me]

There's ways to enhance femininity without looking provocative. Maybe baggy clothes and t-shirts denote less sense of self confidence?

Where are these cat calls coming from?

Allow me to add, leaving a lot to the imagination, certainly can go a long, long way. I reside where machismo is predominant. I dress nicely more oft than not. I don't attract the wrong kind of attention, albeit there is attention, but more gentlemanly than some construction site attention...

I am glad I kept my mouth shut. More tactful people answered for me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Please try not to control what other people say!

You ASSUME (well, more making an --- out of you, not me) that I was responding to the OP in my second paragraph. I wasn't.

Yeah, some men do make demands because they're men! Don't try to control my view on the world because you don't agree. If you don't like what I say, feel free to ignore me, but don't ever think you as a stranger on the Internet can control what I say.

"please try not to..." isn't a demand, it is a request and in no way does that imply I am trying to control anyone or anything. It is a fact the statement generalizes a large group of people. What I've said is true, it's not a good thing to make over-arching statements about large groups based on gender, sexual orientation or other such thing.

I cannot nor do I desire to "control" anyone. but I will state my view on things as I see fit whether or not the other person in the conversation might take it wrong or not is not in my control either.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

His idea is more in the way of more form fitting jeans and shirts that aren't so baggy and less t-shirts.

I don't think it's completely unreasonable if he says this is what he likes. Again still though if it makes you uncomfortable just the same, then he should respect your desire not to do so, but.. he won't know to respect you in that or back down unless you state your reservations on this.

]ChipperMonkey says .... I was raised to believe that a woman has a duty to make sure the man she loves is happy

Boy, does this ever send off alarm bells. Ahhhh oooooo ga, ahhhhhhh ooooo ga.

I am very concerned by this.

You are owed complete respect as an equal in your relationship. He must be honouring and obeying you too.

I'm not christian but I'm pretty sure the true measure of being Christian is how one treats their fellow persons