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#1
Dec 03, 2015, 08:29 AM
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My long-term friend who has girlfriend and they are living together for a long time told me he had sexual fantasies about me and Im so attractive and desirable. He always told me he is attached to me because we are friends for so long time.
I asked him does he have romantic feelings for me and he said no. Im really confused and I cant understand how it is when your opposite sex friend is attached to you, sometimes thinks about sex with you but doesnt want to act on it because he has a girlfriend and he loves her. They also have a baby. We are friends for 7 years and we never had romantic relationships. If I told someone that Im attached to him and have sexual fantasies it would mean that I have a crush on him and I think its romantic feelings. I would understand it if he wanted to cheat on his gf with me but he doesnt because he loves her not me. But Im so confused. What do you think about it? Maybe I just cant understand men, maybe its normal for them to think about sex with every attractive girl. I can understand that good friends attach to each other but... |
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#2
Dec 03, 2015, 08:37 AM
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Yes, men think about sex with every attractive girl, and vice versa. Don't you see an attractive man and it crosses your mind for a split second? That's what attractive means.
I think what you're confused about is why did he tell you? |
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#3
Dec 03, 2015, 08:45 AM
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Its confusing when one day your friend tells you he dreams about sex with you and thinks your desirable. When I heard this I thought it means he wants something sexual with me but he said he only thinks about it but loves her gf. |
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#4
Dec 03, 2015, 10:50 AM
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You could ask him why, but you might be better off leaving well enough alone.
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#5
Dec 03, 2015, 10:59 AM
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#6
Dec 03, 2015, 12:36 PM
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I don't think it matters WHY he says that. I am not sure why it's confusing, He seems pretty clear. He pretty much loves his girlfriend but wants or thinks about sex with you ( wouldn't matter why, some people routinely cheat on their partners no matter if they love them). He doesn't say he had romantic feelings because he doesn't, he just thinks of sex.
I would find it offensive and our friendship would be over. I really doubt every man wants to have sex with every attractive woman but even if it was the case, they don't profess it to every woman. That's bizarre. I would end friendship with this dude. Bad news Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#7
Dec 03, 2015, 01:04 PM
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Sounds like he's perfectly comfortable with flattering you and potentially convincing you to have a sexual relationship with him on the side while he maintains his romance with and loyalty to his girlfriend, regardless of how it would ultimately affect you. That's a no win situation for you, and even his suggesting it puts you in an awkward situation.
I would suggest being stern with him that any attraction he might have for you is best kept to himself. You don't need anyone's leftover interest, and it's really kind of insulting that he would think of putting you in that position when he's already attached. It's not the action of a good friend, so if he's truly interested in being a good friend to you he needs to seriously revise the behavior. Unfortunately though, attractive women often have the heartbreak of finding out that many men who present themselves as friends are not really that. It's not worth keeping those guys around, just so they can be watching for some moment when you're vulnerable to try to push you towards a sexual situation you might regret later.
__________________
“We use our minds not to discover facts but to hide them. One of things the screen hides most effectively is the body, our own body, by which I mean, the ins and outs of it, its interiors. Like a veil thrown over the skin to secure its modesty, the screen partially removes from the mind the inner states of the body, those that constitute the flow of life as it wanders in the journey of each day.” — Antonio R. Damasio, “The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness” (p.28) |
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#8
Dec 03, 2015, 03:52 PM
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Im sure he is attached to me and I also am because we know each other for so long time, we used to spend our time together and he never tried to kiss me or did anything like this, he always worried about me when I got in troubles, we trusted each other and I always thought he is my best friend, he means something to me and I believe he feels the same.
Then one day he says he thinks of me in sexual way. Maybe Im stupid but when I heard this I thought he means he has romantic feelings for me and its not only friendship its something more but then he says that he loves his gf and only wanted to let me know this. And when I asked does he wants me he said its just his fantasies and he would never cheat on his gf. If I knew him for a year or less maybe I would think he is bad or didnt care but I know him for 7 years! If someone is attached to you and thinks about sex with you isnt it romantic love? Why the hell he needs to think about sex with me if he loves his gf. Yeah it seems im stupid.. |
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#9
Dec 03, 2015, 04:20 PM
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You havn't been stupid here, this was definitely a comment to analyze.
I don't think it was so bad of him to say. It would make me feel a bit flattered and I would just let it go. Really, he might have thought he was just building you up. I'm surprised his girlfriend doesn't try to keep you two apart and doesn't see you as a threat. I give him credit for staying faithful to her. If you push on this, you might end up losing the friendship. I'd wait and see if he says something sexual again, then I'd talk it out with him and set things straight. |
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#10
Dec 03, 2015, 04:23 PM
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"I would understand it if he wanted to cheat on his gf with me but he doesn't because he loves her not me." Chances are, if he really loved her and didn't want to cheat, he would have kept his fantasies a secret from you. It sounds like what he really wants to do is cheat without the guilt, or have you not think less of him for wanting to cheat. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. If he truly loves his gf, he will keep it zipped (both his mouth and his fly) around you (and every other attractive woman he may know.) Sounds to me like he's just fishing for your reaction. Be careful not to take the bait.
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#11
Dec 03, 2015, 04:30 PM
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I just think it's unkind of him, or at least very bad judgment, to tell you he's attracted if he's not in a position to act on it. What good does it do you to know? If he's unavailable, his telling you suggests that he's open to having you on the side. I'm not suggesting he can't be a friend, just that as a friend he should be happy to be held to (or to hold himself to, even) a higher standard, to treat you respectfully and kindly.
I have plenty of male friends whom I'm sure harbor some attraction to me. (They're only human, after all. Hubba hubba, etc.) It's their relative ability to be the custodians of their own emotional life though, and to be respectful of me even at times they are arguing with their wives or bored or whatever else might compel a lesser man to look for love on the side, that allows those friendships to continue. I just don't think there's much to gain in thinking much of the affections of a person who still has the comforts of another relationship. 
__________________
“We use our minds not to discover facts but to hide them. One of things the screen hides most effectively is the body, our own body, by which I mean, the ins and outs of it, its interiors. Like a veil thrown over the skin to secure its modesty, the screen partially removes from the mind the inner states of the body, those that constitute the flow of life as it wanders in the journey of each day.” — Antonio R. Damasio, “The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness” (p.28) |
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#12
Dec 03, 2015, 05:31 PM
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Maybe the reason he told you is because he is trying to test your boundaries and see how far you are willing to go.
Maybe he is hoping to have a secret affair with you, where his current gf and baby never find out about it. If he starts confiding in you that he is in a sexless relationship, beware. If he starts getting into conversations with you about what he would like to do with you, beware. Perhaps he picked up a signal from you that he perceived to be a flirtation. Then again, maybe none of this is true. You say you've known him for awhile, but how well do you REALLY know him? Hang out everyday? Text friends? |
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#13
Dec 03, 2015, 05:33 PM
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Attachment + sexual attraction, does not = romance.
I agree that you are confused, and that's ok. The attachment you are describing is based on friendship and loyalty. You each care for the wellbeing of the other and the longevity of your friendship. Sexual attraction / fantasies, that's physical and not always tied to the emotional. You can be sexually attracted to random people you have no romantic feelings for. He may even have been confused himself about his sudden attraction to you and wanted to talk it out, maybe make it go away, by mutual agreement that nothing will ever happen between you because he loves his gf. Idk, could be something to do with the baby interrupting his sex life. Our imaginations can run wild in times of "need". Anyway, I also don't know why he told you, if that's important for you to know, then its up to you to ask him to clarify. I'm just speculating like the rest of the posters. But it IS important that you understand that there are different types of attachment and that adding a sexual component, willingly or not, into the mix, does not equal romance. Sex is sex, love is love, attachment is attachment. They're all separate, but incredible when they are all experienced together. I hope that helps lessen your confusion.
__________________
 DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD  "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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#14
Dec 03, 2015, 06:30 PM
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You aren't stupid.
Wanting to have sex and feeling love for the person isn't necessarily same thing. It's nice when it is but often it's not. So him wanting sex doesn't mean he had romantic feelings. Having sex with him won't necessarily be about love or romance Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#15
Dec 03, 2015, 06:56 PM
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If Im honest it hurts me and it seems Im trying to find worst version about it but deep inside I hope Im something for him. Yes its nice to hear that man thinks Im attractive but at the same time - men always wanted only sex with me but I wanted something more. Now I hoped that at least someone loves me also emotionally but it seems its only physical again. Maybe I just analyse it too much and need to stop think about it but I cant.
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#16
Dec 03, 2015, 07:00 PM
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If they have a new baby, maybe he is not getting as much attention from gf as he used to. It is harder to be a parent AND a partner, than just a lover. I think maybe he is feeling sorry for himself and trying to find his previous joy and freedom, and is wondering if you would enjoy it with him for free.
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#17
Dec 03, 2015, 09:33 PM
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What an ***** if that's the case Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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