[crosstobear]

Is it a fear of engulfment or loss of independence? When one person in a friendship or relationship likes the other person a little more, or is a little more into them than they are, why don't people communicate, see where they stand, and tone things down? Why do people decide to end things completely? Isn't there a basis from which this relationship grew? Is there an accompanying loss of respect or pity? I never understood why people can't communicate these things and instead cut each other off. I understand its unbalanced, but balance can sometimes be found when people talk things out. I get that sometimes it's an indicator that one partner's needs can't be entirely fulfilled by the other partner, but something must have been there for the relationship to progress to that point, what's the point of annihilating the connection completely? Partners can talk and address their issues, and find out that it's actually something that can be mended.

Crosstobear - I have repeatedly sabotaged relationships. 1. I have trust issues. I'm afraid if I get to close and invest myself in the relationship, I will get hurt. 2. I have very poor self-esteem. When people start paying me compliments I feel they are being fake and just paying me lip service - or they want something from me. 3. I don't feel worthy of their attention 4. until very recently, I didn't have a great deal of trust or interest in sex. It has mostly been either a weapon against me or an obligation to perform. It was something I tried to avoid.

I surround myself with aquaintances yet allow none of them to become a close friend. When it looks like a relationship is beginning to get close I either back off or sabotage it entirely.

[ChipperMonkey]

When you feel like you're suffocating, you don't care *how* you start to breathe again, you just want to get there by any means necessary.

I'm not saying its right, but this is my perspective. If I feel like I'm being smothered, I'll push the other person away in any way that I can. I don't care about talking things over. At that point, rationally thinking things through isn't my strong point!

[scorpiosis37]

Feeling suffocated doesn't usually happen overnight. It usually builds up. When I'm in a relationship that starts to feel that way, I will say something. Unfortunately, the other person usually either doesn't get it or can't help it. At that point, I just need it to STOP which means cutting off all contact. Being around someone who makes you feel smothered can actually be really frightening-- it makes me feel like I cant breathe and I can't escape and I just want to lock myself in a room in order to feel safe. When someone is making you feel that way, you don't just want a little bit less of them. You want to completely cut ties. Whatever you initially liked about that person goes away and the thought of that person just makes you want to hide. People need space and room to desire someone-- if you aren't giving that room, the desire will die.

[divine1966]

I think people don't start feeling suffocated in a good healthy relationship. Typically relationship is unsatisfying and on top of it one person wants something the other cannot give.

I think actually leaving is way more wise and kind than staying and seeing the person less. It's not nice to leave rudely and in s degrading manner but I don't think leaving means loss of respect at all.

Also if somebody likes me more than I like him and is more into me I wouldn't want to stay around. Talking through not gonna make me like him more. The only thing to talk through is to let him know I have to move on. Same way I don't want to stay around if I am more into him than he is into me. That's actually loss of respect for yourself.

I do agree about talking things out and finding balance but it depends what about. Not everything could be resolved in a conversation. Lack of feelings for the person can't really be changed by talking it out.

. We had to talk and find balance with my BF yesterday. I had concerns about him not taking charge in regards to what needs to be done for hosting holiday and constantly asking me for what needs to be done ( even something I think is common sense), and he brought up that last time he took charge of what needs to be done I kind of snapped so he now waits for my direction (valid point). Certainly wouldn't break up over this, it had to be talked through and mended.

But it wasn't about how we feel about each other, that is not a concern, it was about how to balance our personalities in completing everyday tasks ( him being laid back and me being high strung).

If the conversation was about how one of us likes the other more and is more into other person then suggesting string each other along seeing each other less would not make sense. In fact if someone isn't that into me I would be appreciative if he left ( if I have no guts to do so myself) !!! I wouldn't want to stick around. It is either there or it isn't



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