[Espresso]

My husband and I used to have a relatively good relationship (at least, that's how I perceived it and now remember it). Tasks were pretty much evenly divided, the money earned was communal no matter who earned it, there seemed to be a mutual respect, trust, and love. Now, I'm a stay at home mom. If he's asked to do anything around the house or anything extra with our toddler, he either gets angry immediately or saves it to bring up in our next fight because I'm "not doing my job." I no longer have access to the money. He won't even tell me how much is in his bank account. I get what amounts to an allowance in our joint account. It's stressing me out, I feel poor even though we're making enough to be comfortable, and I've begun to hoard money secretly because I'm afraid one day I'll be cut off completely. The money is now clearly his, and if I want to spend any, I need to grovel in front of him with specific details and a justification for the purchase, but he gets angry if I even ask how much is in his account because he says I'm trying to monitor everything he does. I never thought he was like this. I feel demeaned, disrespected, untrusted. I feel like he's treating me like a child, which is funny because he expects me to act like I'm his mother and like he's incapable of doing anything for himself. Our fights can get way out of hand. Yelling, name calling, physical altercations. I don't understand how we ended up like this. I don't know what to do. I don't know how long I can keep living like this. My life is hopeless.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Being a mom is one of the hardest while rewarding jobs there are and if he can't see that in you then it's time for counseling. You guys need to bring this up with a mediator because fighting it out at home probably won't change him. He should be respecting you as the mother of his kid. If I were on an allowance I'd feel crappy too. Marriage is not a one way street. What's yours is his and vice versa. You may not work outside the home but taking care of the house and a child is a full time job that you never get to clock out of or get paid for. Do you guys fight about this yet or is this your first time coming out about it? Yes, I said "yet" because i believe this is a topic worthy of a argument for me at least. I'd be pissed!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[Permacultural]

Couples therapy a possibility?

[ChipperMonkey]

The first thing that comes to mind is that he's spending money on things he doesn't want you to know about. Another woman? Gambling? Maybe he's taken out a lot of debt, maybe he's maxed out credit cards? Its definitely something you need to get to the bottom of, because if he's trashing his credit, he's trashing yours, too, most likely (as you are married.)

[Webgoji]

First this is turning into abuse. You're being isolated and controlled. Withholding finances, making you feel demeaned, yelling ... those are all emotional abuse.

That all needs to stop immediately and you guys need to go to counseling. Probably together and separately. If he doesn't stop with the abuse though, you're going to have to consider what you'll need to do to protect yourself and kids.

[avlady]

i agree with everyone here and especially webgoji

[hannabee]

So from reading some of your previous posts, this has been going on far too long! You need to get some help with this and I would say immediately. He does sound abusive and you really need to make a change. I know if seems really difficult when you have children, but you just HAVE to think about her and NOW. She needs a Mom to care for her AND care about herself. Sounds like your husband is a control freak and I agree that he may be hiding something, as well.

I sincerely hope that you have some family to help you? If not,maybe a friend? If you're not taking anything for the depression, you need to get help with that and ASAP.

Big hug for you and I am really sorry you are going through this. You and your daughter deserve so much more in life. Please, please please start making a plan. Put it in writing, set small goals, but do something and do it now.

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

You may not work outside the home but taking care of the house and a child is a full time job that you never get to clock out of or get paid for. Do you guys fight about this yet or is this your first time coming out about it?

Oh yes, this fight has happened. It wasn't pleasant. I've been threatened with having to come up with half the money for the bills because he's the only one who makes money and whatever I do is apparently worthless.

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Couples therapy a possibility?

I'm open to it, but he has a negative attitude toward therapy. Plus, I don't think it's covered by our insurance.

Originally Posted by hannabee

Please, please please start making a plan. Put it in writing, set small goals, but do something and do it now.

I honestly don't know where to start. I keep hoping it will get better. There are periods of calm here and there, and when that calm comes, the bad doesn't seem quite so bad anymore.

[ChipperMonkey]

Hoping......while good does nothing if there's no action.

If things don't change now, in 10 years you'll look back and wonders why you wasted your life on an abusive man when you could have been with someone kind and loving.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Espresso

... I'm open to it, but he has a negative attitude toward therapy. Plus, I don't think it's covered by our insurance.

If you have health insurance, you likely have some sort of mental health coverage. They don't *have* to provide it, but if he works at a larger company (50+ employees) the chances are they do. Most places have an EAP (employee assistance program) where you can get short-term therapy or phone help and that's not just for work related stressors. If he refuses to go though it doesn't really matter.

It sounds like he's becoming abusive. Financial abuse *is* recognized as a type of abuse. National Network to End Domestic Violence | About Financial Abuse "Financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in in general, include tactics to limit the partner’s access to assets or conceal information and accessibility to the family finances."

I'm sorry you're going through this! My first instinct was the same as ChipperMonkey's, that he is spending and doesn't want you to know on what/how much. I tend to be suspicious by nature though. Either way, you have as much right to know the ins and outs of the finances as he does!