[sarajane231]

I was just dating someone who has left me in enormous pain and a lot of confusion, and he had put his behavior down to fear of intimacy, fear of getting close to someone - and I wanted to ask if anyone here believes this is a "real thing".

I always believed if you like and care for a woman, you treat her nicely, and would do nothing to risk losing her- and that if you do anything less it means you care little for her.

This experience has caused me a lot of anxiety and now leaves me feeling brutally used and I want to know if anyone has words to offer. Has anyone ever experienced a person like this before?

• I have known him a long time, he wanted to date me for over a year.
• He appears to be a very nice person, has not dated anyone else in the year I have known him
• He pursued me, but moreover was a good friend to me over the year and I felt a lot of trust towards him before even out first date
• When we finally got together he was so happy, could not spend enough time with me, we were happy and it felt great
• Suddenly he started to not call every day, every 3 days instead
• Then he changed his work shift so he was working every weekend
• Then he got busier, always a reason we could only see each other once a week
• He started to act emotionally distant
• He went from asking me to meet his friends to panicking about meeting mine.

All of this provoked anger, anxiety and hurt in me but if I tried to leave or walk away he would be sincerely upset and sad and would ask me to please stay. He told me he liked me much more than he expected to and had to "shut down" to protect himself from falling in love.

He then cheated on me, in a way that I won't describe, but which was quite senseless and seemd illogical.

I could never understand why he would work so hard to get me, be so happy he had me, and then utterly and blatantly sabotage us within the space of three months.

It's left my head in a spin.

Any experiences of this sort of thing?

[alieninshadows]

It doesn't sound like a fear of intimacy but more of a fear or unwillingness of commitment. Some men are like that. When they feel a relationship is getting too serious, too long they start wondering and expecting that the girl is going to start pressuring him for a proposal and want kids. it's really about immaturity. I'm sure this guy was happy to be with you, but he was purposely pulling away to move on to someone else. Some guys are like that. They are happy to have that status that they have someone to be intimate with but they are not ready for a serious relationship and will pull out of it before they are pressured to be tied in. The fact that this dude didn't properly end things is another sign that he's not mature enough for serious commitment with you.

[sarajane231]

No, see, he doesn't want to end it. He wants me to forgive him (I haven't) but it was like he could not just enjoy being together after wanting to be together for so long

[alieninshadows]

You don't owe him forgiveness. It sounds as this is something that he has to figure out himself. He's not ready to settle down. He knew what he did wrong when he did it and expects you to forgive him? Uh uh

[sarajane231]

I know I don't owe him anything. I was just wndering if this fear of commitment / intimacy is a real reason why people behave in these ways

Yes, fear of intimacy and commitment are
real issues ... It's not an excuse for someone
to treat others badly because of it though.

Sorry you got hurt like this, and it might be a
good idea to protect yourself from further injury
by this person until they get serious help for and
show some sincere improvement in this area.

[sarajane231]

I think from where I come from emotionally and my view of life...nothing is more precious or desired than closeness and love between people and so the concept of two people finding it with each other and one of them "running away" out of fear that is more powerful than the desire for that bond is a very hard one for me to accept cognitively.

[Bill3]

You might want to look into attachment theory, specifically "avoidant attachment". It may be real in his case, or it may be an excuse. If it is real it can be treated in therapy.

[gayleggg]

Fear of intimacy and commitment is real. Its also a fear of getting hurt. Of course it's not an excuse to cheat or deliberately hurt someone. He has to face the music.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[sarajane231]

Bill...thank you...I just looked that up and this is exactly what describes him.

Everything in his life is set up to create no space for someone else. He works 80 hours a week. His home is unfinished and being remodelled and is permanently unsuitable for visitors. He joined a club that meets every Friday night to play sport and a diferrent club that meets every Saturday night which makes dating really hard. Then he ays he is lonely. The whole time I have known him he says he is lonely but also doesn't date.

I think he really did like me and want to be with me, but when it boiled down to it he was just such a catastrophist. He must have said to me 10 times that he was mentally prepared already for me to meet someone else and was fully expecting it.

When a person is that closed off, it's impossible to reach them, especially if they make themselves unavailable to spend time with you.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You might want to look into attachment theory, specifically "avoidant attachment". It may be real in his case, or it may be an excuse. If it is real it can be treated in therapy.

I agree. I was about to suggest the same.

"Attached" is a book that may help you understand.

If you're at all the "anxious" relationship type, you want to avoid the avoidant type.

[sarajane231]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I agree. I was about to suggest the same.

"Attached" is a book that may help you understand.

If you're at all the "anxious" relationship type, you want to avoid the avoidant type.

Thank you very much.

Provides some relief to see it;s not my "fault"

[FireIsland123]

Definitely not your fault!

[Trippin2.0]

Not to make this about me in any way, shape or form, but imagine my inner tsunami turmoil when I'm the "I love love type" etc, but in the same breath I will also push you away hard when you get too close for comfort.


So yes, you can really care for someone and still run for the hills, or in my case, push them away.


Luckily I got myself into therapy and my bf has forgiven me for my past pushing, on condition I don't pull a stunt like that again.


My struggle is based on a hint of avoidance and an abundance of fear of abandonment. Blech

[Teddy Bear]

Fear of commitment. I think it's more of feeling afraid to be hurt.

[sarajane231]

I can't really say how much I appreciate people affirming for me that this is a "real" thing - so please don't apologise for making it about you...it's so helpful to know there are others out there.

I work from a more simple way of viwing the world.

If I care about someone I consistently act like it. If I like someone, they are "worth it" to me and nothing would keep me from being with them. It's hard for a person like me to understand this.

I will say though, I have a friend with an eating disorder, my ex fiance had severe depression and I myself once had very bad anxiety attacks and none of those things were thing we could just "overcome" - so if I can see his commitment or attachment issues as beyond his control it spares me the pain of feeling like he didn't care about me.

He did tell me, on more than one occassion that he could not allow himself to be close to anyone because it was "self protection". I did feel like it was just gassing, but then he did a lot of things to create space and distance between us ultimately. Push and pull, back and forth. Neither able to be with me or to let me leave.

I feel ultimately like we both wanted to be around each other and get the happiness from that but my end gola was more intimacy and his end goal was to make sure that didn't happen.

I will say he's sent me a lot of messages (prbably around 20 A4 pages in total) in which he's expressed a lot of remorse, expressed how bad his commitment issues are, told me that he really did like and care about me but that he is a messed up person. He seems veyr sincere and truly sorry but I think at the end of the day there is not much I can do.

If I go back I think he will do the same again

Although I really, really wish I had known all this before!!!!! I interpreted his distance combined with his words of being afraid of being hurt or dumped that he needd more reassurance from me - so I probably made it a lot worse!!!

[Katieissweet]

Yes fear of intimacy is real,I was in love with a guy and he seemed to reciprocate I told him he was a moron and that I had no interest in him.just very silly but I cannot deal with love.

[CommaDotSlash]

I can sort of sympathize with him, but by no means am I in his support. He did a bad thing and he should have fought off the pressure and tried to end things between you both with a honest explanation and maybe see each other eye to eye.

I'm currently dating someone, and she's almost exactly like me. We have a lot in common, and she's become my best friend. But I do have to keep fighting off the fear of getting too close and maybe leaving ourselves open to my screw ups. I don't know if that make sense. I fight it off each day because I firmly believe being with her is only going to improve our lives, and she believes the same. But nonetheless, the fear is deeply rooted in me. I suppose it boils down to how we fight it off that determines the outcomes of our relationships.

Nonetheless, I wish you the very best, and I'm sure you'll do well! Stay happy, and stay awesome!