[resentfulwife]

Hi,

I am just looking for some neutral feedback. I would appreciate your honest but respectful reply as I have been feeling down for quite some time. The goal is to see a therapist soon but I do not have health insurance at the moment. Im at 32 and he is 38 if that helps any.

My husband and I met in 2006 and married in 2010. In 2011 we decided to take the spontaneous leap to move to a big city which was always a huge dream of mine. The agreement was we'd live there 3-5 years and if we didn't like it we'd leave. Without jobs we started our new adventure. I ended up falling in love with the city and landing a job that I felt proud of, with excellent benefits to boot. In 2014 we had our first child together after a rough pregnancy where i was mostly confined at home sick. Sometime in 2014 it was decided we were going to move back to our home state (a state i never missed or wanted to go back to) after doing some math and realizing it would be more affordable to raise a child. Throughout that year i expressed that I really didnt want to go back, that i loved where i was, etc. His reply back was always that he wanted to go back to warmer weather (he hated the cold), a place where we had friends (we really didnt have a support system) and was more affordable. He stated (i think in anger) that the city was overrated. Admittedly he did angrily say on more than one occassion that we could stay - but i knew that he didnt want to. I felt guilty keeping him and also didnt want to deal with someone miserable with their living situation. We easily landed jobs back in our home state before we moved back and i thought to myself maybe this was a sign.

Just shy of 3 years and shy of a promotion we moved back to our home state in March 2015 and I have been depressed ever since!! I am SO angry that we left where we were. Things were great where we were imo, we had good paying jobs and lived in a great place. I was so angry that I felt like i became a different person. He offered to move back to the city - but i just couldnt/cant. I feel so angry that i was uprooted and left my job and spent money to leave a place i didnt want. The part that pisses me off the most was that after we left he had the nerve to say he didnt appreciate what he had there and that he missed it. I HATED my home state so much we actually moved without a job AGAIN to and went to the northeast (where there was family nearby). This time the move was more hasty than spontaneous. And so here we are - burning through our savings (though he did get a job and i just got one as well that i start monday). We both do not like it here. We both think its overpriced and quality of life has gone down a bit since everything is so expensive.

We are trying to figure out what our next steps are but I just do not know what to do. I find myself constantly throwing in his face that things were fine where we were. I have been angry, resentful and hateful towards him. I know he feels sad that I am sad but I dont know how to move past it and its hurting our marriage. When i think about where to go next there is no where that jumps out at me. Im scared that I will never get that excitement i had when I first moved. I feel like i will never have the excitement for a job that I did when I landed the one in the city. I feel so lost and unstable. Im grateful to have a roof over my head yet i still feel homeless/uncertain of the future. I actually would stay in the NE cause I kind of dont really care anymore but i do want to buy a home one day and settle down and that just isnt a reality here. I wish i could go back in time and had trusted my own instincts enough to say no - but even if i said no i wonder if it would have been so miserable for him that i would have been miserable anyways. I know i have a good husband but the resent is killing us. I know I am beating a dead horse but when i see him i dont feel love - i feel like hes someone who took me away from my happiness. Even though i did play a role in leaving too. I know we both wish we could change the past but we cant. I've cried so many tears over this and I want to be happy again. Im not sure why this is affecting me so much but if it werent for my son, i wouldnt want to wake up in the morning.

Any respectful thoughts/opinions are appreciated.

The stress and dislocation of moving can be so hard on people, and often they don't expect it, assuming that a new place and a new job and new friends and new surroundings will be everything that the U-Haul commercials advertise. The national job market and the steadily rising costs of living and raising a child heap on added stress; I can see the attraction of moving somewhere, anywhere that would balance your finances. It sounds like you've been suffering from a great deal of stress; I don't know if blaming it on your husband is justified or not (it may be), but it's not good for your relationship, and therefore not good for your son. Do you have insurance that provides you with coverage for talk therapy, or are there group therapy sessions available locally where you could share your feelings with others and get their feedback? I attended a bipolar support group in the South Bay (CA) that was enormously helpful, supportive, and free. Have you consulted a mental health professional?

Therapy one way or another. Or as soon as financially possible. If you want to keep or save your marriage you need mediation or a qualified middleman so to speak so you can get out your feelings as your husband can too in a neutral zone. Good luck. Try to remember why you love your husband maybe that will help with the resentment. Idk.

[Mrs. Mania]

UGH, I'm totally with you! My husband moved us 5 years ago and I HATE it here. I feel I really gave it an honest try. My daughter is also mildly unhappy, until every time we go home to visit. She then wants to move back and cries the whole 8 hours back. I want to pick up with her, go HOME, and never look back. My husband is my best friend, but lately I find myself looking at him through eyes of pure hatred. I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone in your current situation.