[blue592]

Why does dating always have to be such a negative experience? I've never had a boyfriend and haven't had much experience dating because every time it sucks. It crushes my heart and soul in some way and I always end up disappointed or disgusted, by guys who treat me like ****. My mom says "dating is supposed to be fun and at your age (24) you should be dating a lot of people at once." Yeah I wish. That would be nice, for it to be just fun and that's it. Unfortunately, after going out and/or making out with a guy, what follows is debilitating sadness and disappointment. And cynicism. It is just never "fun." It's never a good experience. How am I going to reach the "destination" of having a good, trustworthy boyfriend, if the process of finding it is so painful and unenjoyable? Is this normal?

[10yrsgone]

It's more normal than you think (I'm 25). I can't tell you how many times I've either had zero chemistry with the person I dated. That, or I would "click" with the person only to fall apart before a normal relationship happened.

What I found is I often got frustrated if things didn't happen right away. In reality, there's no time limit. Chances are you won't find the right person for years...I'm still looking for that person after quite a few bad dates and failed relationships.

I also find that the best situations often happen spontaneously instead of formally. Some of the best connections can be made just by hanging out and doing nothing special --- it's sometimes a good indication about the person you're with if you're able to hang around normally and enjoy being together with that person, versus a dinner or coffee date where you're almost forced to chit-chat.

As for people treating significant others badly...it really, really sucks. I've been there before as well with women. When I eventually got over those feelings and stepped back to rationalize the situation, I realized I should not have been wasting my thoughts on that person because she wouldn't do the same for me. That made me feel a bit better about it, but it doesn't minimize the fact that it SUCKS being used.

It's tough, but the best thing to do in this situation is to keep your eyes open and try to find a situation where you can meet a person you effectively connect with. You don't have to be dating "a lot of people at once"...that may work for one type of person, but not for everyone. Just make those connections at your own pace, be patient and see where it leads. It will likely mean less frustration in the long run.

I'm really no expert in any of this myself as I've had a spotty history of relationships. But I thought I'd give my two cents on the matter. All the best.

blue592, dating does suck. The world has changed. Men think cause they bought you a cheeseburger they are entitled to sex, on the first date. Or if they do anything nice for you they are entitled. Well, if you go to a church meet a nice guy there. They usually have coffee hour afterwards. Stay away from church singles groups because they are usually divorcees looking for some action. Sad but true. Or get involved in a hiking club, you meet some nice guys there. Use your imagination. tc

[yagr]

Originally Posted by blue592

Why does dating always have to be such a negative experience?

It does not have to be. There is good new and bad news; here's the bad news:

It's probably going to keep being a negative experience and it's very probably you, not them. Here's the good news:

You're awesome. Know how I know that? Cause dating is always a negative experience for you. Don't believe me? Look at the young women who are out there having the dating fun that your mom says that you're supposed to be having and look me right in the monitor and tell me that when their boyfriends blow in their ears they don't thank him for the refill.

You're not an airhead. You are however, following the crowd a bit. You're a young woman looking for a relationship with a good guy and because everyone else finds whatever it is that they've settled for by dating, you figure you'll look there too. It's certainly understandable, but it's probably not your best move.

When I was in college, Microsoft came and recruited on campus. It was a smart move on their part - we had an excellent computer science program and some of the best and brightest graduated from there. Walmart didn't come and recruit on campus. It wasn't that their executives weren't smart - it was because it was a bad fit. Dating, the way you are going about it, is a bad fit for you.

And incidentally, that your mom says this should be fun at your age is not a dig against your mom; like omegalamed said, 'The world has changed'.

[blue592]

Originally Posted by yagr

It does not have to be. There is good new and bad news; here's the bad news:

It's probably going to keep being a negative experience and it's very probably you, not them. Here's the good news:

You're awesome. Know how I know that? Cause dating is always a negative experience for you. Don't believe me? Look at the young women who are out there having the dating fun that your mom says that you're supposed to be having and look me right in the monitor and tell me that when their boyfriends blow in their ears they don't thank him for the refill.

You're not an airhead. You are however, following the crowd a bit. You're a young woman looking for a relationship with a good guy and because everyone else finds whatever it is that they've settled for by dating, you figure you'll look there too. It's certainly understandable, but it's probably not your best move.

When I was in college, Microsoft came and recruited on campus. It was a smart move on their part - we had an excellent computer science program and some of the best and brightest graduated from there. Walmart didn't come and recruit on campus. It wasn't that their executives weren't smart - it was because it was a bad fit. Dating, the way you are going about it, is a bad fit for you.

And incidentally, that your mom says this should be fun at your age is not a dig against your mom; like omegalamed said, 'The world has changed'.

Thanks for this. Unfortunately, I am indeed using crowd mentality in thinking about this. I guess we live in a culture that's all about being a go-getter and conquering what you want. With that kind of thinking it's hard to let things just happen naturally. It's hard to accept the idea that one day it will happen and that there's nothing I can do to make it happen. It's frustrating because I never meet prospective guys unless it's in bars or over tinder. I have passions and keep myself busy, but the guys I meet through that never surface to anything more than platonic. It's also risky because doing "nothing" makes me feel like I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to date and "have fun" while I'm still young. It just feels like I have two choices, shallow experiences or absolutely nothing. Experiencing absolutely nothing makes me feel not human, and like my sexuality is beside the point, even disgusting and useless.

[arbbarb]

Well here I am on the opposite side of the spectrum at nearly 30... I honestly don't know much about dating without directly entering a relationship, but I can advise you on something not to do.

It sounds like you're ready for a relationship. When I started many of my past relationships including the one I'm currently in, I was absolutely not ready for a relationship. So I did "nothing," I let myself be pursued, and let relationships happen without considering myself or chemistry or really anything at all. My best advice is to not fall into that trap because you still end up feeling alone, not human, useless-- all of it.

You are making conscious decisions about not moving into relationships which is GREAT. I wish I had half of the courage that you have. Keeping that in mind and also considering how weird dating is in this era, you may be better off by joining interest groups (hiking was mentioned before, but recreational sports leagues are another example I can think of off hand) with the goal of just meeting people in general. Go in looking for friends only. These kind of groups can help you to feel less alone and at the same time allow you to build connections with people who have similar interests. You may not end up dating any of these people-- but maybe their friends? Warm wishes, blue592!