[angelicgoldfish05]

Last night, laying in bed next to my sweetie, I had the oddest sensation come over me. It's not a new feeling by any means, as I have felt this way with my father my whole life, who criticized just about everything I did on a daily basis. This feeling hit me with overwhelming power last night. I understood for the first time what may have happened with my ex bf. He may have had the same feeling once in our relationship, and once that feeling hit, I could see how he would just sort of want to give up. That's what I felt last night as I laughed ironically to myself, turning away from my current bf in bed.

I am not sure what to do now. I don't want to give up but any effort (and I feel I've been putting forth a LOT) never seems good enough for him. He also seems a little detached and uninterested at the moment. He won't even kiss me anymore with any desire or longing. I have to ask him and get upset about it because that means a lot to me and I have told him that it does a few times. Call me crazy but I want to kiss the person I love when I first see them, or when I'm leaving. They don't want to nor do they care about doing this or meeting this need for me without obvious disdain.

I kind of want to distance myself but we have all these things lined up with his family for the holiday. My family has things lined up too but they are pushed to the back burner and vaguely/ tentatively penciled in. I'm afraid to even ask for time apart and go with my family. I feel like he'll be mad or something because I already agreed to go to all these things with his family and it would be changing my mind... his family is really important to him but mine is to me too. I also feel way uncomfortable around his family and like I can't be myself. Maybe that's also why I want to back out and not go...
What do you guys think? Advice?

[JustJenny]

Hi there. Him not kissing you often enough - is it something new or was he always like that? Do you think your relationship got colder?

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

Hi there. Him not kissing you often enough - is it something new or was he always like that? Do you think your relationship got colder?

I can't remember.. it's strange to me considering how affectionate he has been in other aspects (cuddling, sex, etc..). He seemed reciprocal to my telling him out was important to me but it sucks to have to beg him for it. Now I'd he does start doing that I'll probably just feel like a guilty jerk for saying anything at all. But yes in other ways, seems to have gotten colder. It's normal for those passionate desires that were there at first to die down I guess..

[FireIsland123]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Trust me. I do. Your self-confidence takes a big hit when you are rejected like this - made worse by sacrificing time with your family so he can spend as much time as possible with his. I'm no expert, but regarding how family is very important to him --- I have no idea how long you've been together, but as you stay together, YOU become his family. "His" family transitions into becoming his "family of origin." For some couples, the transition happens fast, but most take some time. Unfortunately for some couples, that transition never happens and the pain and resentment only builds. And despite what the TV sitcoms would have you believe, women have it much worse dealing with their in-laws than men have with theirs. "OK for this Christmas, but what about next year?" (Believe me. I have felt for years like I've been sitting at the virtual "kids table" at these gatherings. Sometimes I feel invisible. Not in on the family jokes. Or even feel like an uninvited guest.) So, for this year, I would just write it off. Make the best of it. Enjoy the food. But, it sounds like you need (and deserve) to see some change, some compromise in the weeks and months ahead. OK. Not this Christmas. There's not even any snow (Well, here there's none.) But you do deserve better. Certainly your inner child deserves better. Mine sure did. It was hard. It hurt. But I just had enough rejection. Understanding that I was not the problem was the first step. Good luck. We'll be there right beside you at the kids table supporting you. OK?

[angelicgoldfish05]

True. My self confidence never recovered. So I do struggle with that and fear of rejection, hence fear of wanting to go to his family's thing tonight cause they might reject me. The in law thing is definitely harder when you are a girl. Ill be d@mned if I do and d@mned if I don't. Even if there is an illusion that is all good now, the rejection and criticism is bubbling under the surface. It's only a matter of time before his mom finds a million reasons why I'm not treating her baby the way he should be treated or doing what I should be doing. And I have to maintain peace in the relationship because he truly loves his mom. I like her fine but I've seen way too many instances ( and experienced them myself) of mother in law - daughter in law relationships having conflict constantly. His mom is way better than me to, actually his whole family seems to be.. better than my family..
His family is kind of religious and doesn't drink. I'll go, but I'm sneaking in alcohol. I'll happily drink myself into a blissful state of my own choosing in my own world, distant and removed, yet present, smiling and getting into the convo every now and then. Kids table and all haha. Thanks for the support and the suggestions!!! Much appreciated!