[hello1610]

Hey, this is my first post here. I've been dealing with problems with my boyfriend for awhile and this is sort of a last resort for me.

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and for the most part, we're happy. When we first got together, i trusted him 110%, and never had any doubts about him. But a few weeks ago, I found a confession in his email (seems like it had been sent to himself) that he "cheated on his gf" because "he needed to get rid of his demons and wants to love his gf more". I confronted him about it and he denied fully, saying that it was spam or that someone had synced their icloud with his. I don't believe him, because the style in which it was written matches his very distinct style of writing. Though i never believed his denial, i chose to accept that it happened and try to forgive. Until today, he has not confessed and continues denying.

Right before this happened, he went through some family crisis and it took a huge toll on him (he had to see a therapist,etc.). He also suffered from depression earlier in our relationship. Other than that, he treats me well and still clearly loves me a lot.

I am trying to forgive, but it's difficult when i don't know what actually happened. I want to believe that it was indeed spam, but i just know he did what he did, and i don't want to be in denial. But problems are surfacing in our relationship because I can no longer trust him. I worry when he goes out with his friends, and I become suspicious every time he receives a text. Because of this, I react with a lot of hostility to him, even when he's trying to calm me down.

I have never been an overly emotional or paranoid person and I (think) I am able to think rationally most of the time. I want to forgive, and I want to move past this. But I just cannot move past this incident. I feel hurt and betrayed, but also foolish because I have no concrete evidence that anything has actually happened.

Recently I have been thinking of just ending the relationship because I don't see myself being happy anytime soon, and it makes the both of us unhappy. We’ve fought numerous times about this issue and it feels like it will continue happening. I keep thinking that I just want the hurt to go away. It makes me just want to run away from all our problems so I can regain some sanity…alone, without him. I also am still in university and have important exams coming up, and a big fear for me would be for this to affect my studies.

I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this and whether it is worth it persevering, and whether things will eventually get better. What can I do to ease my lack of trust?

[Skeezyks]

Hello hello1610: Welcome to PsychCentral. I'm afraid I can't answer your question specifically. From what you wrote, it sounds as though a cooling off period would be appropriate; at least until after your exams are completed. I didn't get the impression, from reading your post, that having this relationship end would be the worst thing in the world from your perspective. It doesn't sound as though you would be devastated. So, assuming this is the case, & given the lack of trust this incident has fostered, maybe if such a cooling off period results in the end of the relationship, then perhaps it's for the best.

Of course, only you know how committed you & your bf are to this relationship. If the two of you do wish to see your relationship last, then perhaps some couples counseling would be in order. Suspicion & dishonesty do not provide the most stable foundation upon which to build a long-term relationship. I wish you all the best...

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't understand why you're internalizing his wrongdoings. You're blaming yourself for not being able to trust when he violated your trust! Your brain is working correctly in not trusting him, but for some reason you are trying to override your brain by saying the trust issues are your problem and not his. It's like if someone killed your dog, lied about it, and then you blamed yourself for not being able to trust this person anymore. What I'm trying to say is trust your brain! It's guiding you in the tight direction. (Yeah, IMHO cheating is a COMPLETE trust breaker.)

And why are you trying to forgive someone who isn't sorry, isn't repentant, and lies, lies, lies? Is it for religious reasons? God doesn't want us to be doormats, so says my priest. Forgiveness isn't mandatory.

[healingme4me]

Has he ever said that he can see your side? Unless he can, perhaps some breathing room to focus on studies and then resume conversation after you get through your priorities?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[Permacultural]

I can never seem to get closure on an issue that hasn't been closed. I can totally relate. I don't think it's just you.

[TishaBuv]

The important part to me would be how he said he wanted the relationship to be better with you in his email. You really should have just left it alone and not even brought it up to him. You're not married yet. He was sewing his oats. Why were you reading his emails anyway? You acted very insecure. I think you should give your relationship a chance and take more time before major commitment to truly trust.