[Aina]

I used to have a group of friends that was really good for me and my mental health and I really did enjoy spending time with those people, but during the past year there have been many changes in our lives, universities, jobs and partnerships... and I lost touch with them.

I find it very hard to find new friends and to open up to new people. I am naturally more quiet and introverted and it's always been a challenge for me to find friends, but I am also the sort of a person that don't like loneliness even a few days spent alone are psychologically very draining for me.

The issue is that even though I go out and meet people, I always feel like I don't belong there. I always feel different and thus like I shouldn't even be there. There are very few people who actually make me feel comfortable. The older I get the more I am aware of differences between me and other people and it's hard for me to find like minded individuals. Most people to me seem very boring and I feel like I'd rather spend my time alone than with boring friends. I have high demands on those around me and I hardly make friends with just anyone. I feel like most of the people around me don't share my values and interests and therefor I just have nothing to talk about with them. I like the conversation to be on a certain level, but mostly I see people as shallow and unworthy of my interest in anyway. It sometimes goes to the point where people almost disgust me and I can't take their company.
I don't know what do to about this, because I long to find friends, but I am very quick to harshly judge anyone who comes near me.

So how could I be more socially open to new people? How not to judge everyone in such a negative way?

[ShineYourLight]

very easy fix. EVERYONE IS DEFFIERENT. You need to realize that your a natually quite/shy person. And that its ok to be this way. you probably here all the time stop comparing yourself with others. Well stop comparing yourself with yourself lol. Start accepting who you are.
step 1. when a sittuation occurs and you feel like you need to talk or step out and be more open. DONT

give it a try for a long time.

[JustJenny]

Do you get to know these people before judging them/getting disgusted by them? Do you ever meet people that you would like to make friends with?

You might also be looking for friends in the wrong places.

[divine1966]

If you don't like shallow people then you don't need to be around shallow folks

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[Aina]

Well it's been a year and I still haven't found anyone. I do have some old friends I meet from time to time, but I've been unable to make a deeper connection with anyone. It simply feels wrong...

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Aina

Well it's been a year and I still haven't found anyone. I do have some old friends I meet from time to time, but I've been unable to make a deeper connection with anyone. It simply feels wrong...

Henry David Thoreau said that the mass of men live lives of quiet desperation. Such desperation lives at the shallow end of the pool. Personally, I am heartened to see someone not so desperate to quell the loneliness that they will abandon the deep waters and join the masses. While I'm quoting others, Scott Peck wrote about the road less traveled. It is true that the further along the road less traveled one goes, the less travelers you see.

All people desire intimacy and yet, most people know very little about themselves. They pontificate about how they, "would never..." and self-righteously declare that they, "could never understand..." They have no idea. Most people have not been tested sufficiently to be able to make such claims. If they had, their proclamations would give way to silence. As Lao Tsu found, "He who says does not know; he who knows does not say."

And so, what level of intimacy could I share with such a person? How could they possibly share themselves with me when they don't even know themselves? Better to walk alone in light than with company in the darkness.

[arbbarb]

Originally Posted by yagr

Better to walk alone in light than with company in the darkness.

THIS.
Thank you.

[Trippin2.0]

Firstly, I wonder how well you actually know yourself...


From what you've posted, you certainly don't seem like an introvert, shy maybe, alot shy even, but introverted, no. Not so much.


Introverts hardly, if ever desperately seek out company, people tend to sap the energy right out of us.

Kinda like an energy vampire...


People are quite psychologically draining for us, even when they're not doing anything in particular. Whereas you find it psychologically draining to be alone.... So in essence that's the polar opposite of Introversion.

The fact that you can't stand to spend much time alone with yourself seems to suggest you are much more of an extrovert, albeit it a shy one.


Secondly, how to not judge so quickly.... Its like the breath and count to 10 trick.


You have to realize that you have an active choice and say in the matter.


Decide to give people a chance, decide on how long is a fair enough chance to assess, and then by all means pass your judgment.


I was gonna say you can use the same time frame you use for BF's before sex enters the equation, but many people have sex way before they actually know each other, so rather consider how long you'd like others to give you, were they in your particular shoes.


You need to actively choose to be different, decide on a method, and then commit to it, and remember to keep practicing it.


Bad habits die hard.