Hi,

I think I just need to share this.. I'm afraid of men.

I know this comes from my dad who was crazy - he wanted me dead when I was a baby, or better yet, never having been born at all..

Rationally, I know not all or even most men are like this, but I can't shake the fear that they might be. I'm guessing my head got messed up because of my dad being the way he was at a time when my eyes were wide open and I was only just learning about the world - this is what men are like, this is what women are like, this is what the world is like, this is what life is like..

This really gets me down because, on the other hand, I recognise I like men and would like to have a relationship at some point - but how can that happen when I'm always keeping men at arm's length 'just to be on the safe side' making sure they won't get a chance to hurt me..

I ask myself what I need to move past this.. 'A hug - for someone to tell me that, of course, I'm scared after the experiences I've had - but that not all men are like my dad..'

And I'm thinking the way to maybe have that relationship one day is to observe men and decide who can be trusted, then let them get a bit closer so we can get to know each other.. Right? I don't have to let them know everything about me all at once, I can take baby steps and all the time, find out if I can trust them more and more - right?

[Bill3]

Have you been seeing a therapist, perhaps even a male therapist?

I saw a female therapist for a few years until I lost my job due to physical illness and couldn't afford it anymore. I'm still ill and not working, but still in contact with my therapist via email and texts as she agreed to still be there for me if need be even if I can't pay her for it right now..

[tufan]

You have a valid fear, statistically speaking (stats on violent crime against women do not lie here). You can overcome some of the fear by carrying mace with you (where legal) and maybe get a large dog to take with you on long walks out in the country/neighborhood or wherever you go that's canine friendly. This works for me. I don't necessarily fear men as much as I lack trust in them. I don't trust any men and that's okay. Don't try to force yourself 'over this' because someone thinks your issue is non PC or in 'poor taste' regarding the interests of gender relations. Whatever that's all about. It's real, you just have to stay alert for indications that it's time to leave or high tail it from a place or get away from some person, and otherwise live your life as normal.

[Saltine American]

There Is nothing wrong with this. My father and your father probably weren't exactly alike, but he was scary when I was a child.
When I got older I would get sick and dry heave when seeing a man on tv acting mean/crazy.
All of my teen years and most 20's I was a virgin. I didn't trust boys/men. I would shake and run away if a boy even tried to ask me out. At 26, and a lot of jager, I lost my v card, but turned out he was a pedophile. It took a long time to even think about sex or a relationship again. but I did meet a very sweet man. nothing like my father.

I would say if you want to take the Observatory route, there is nothing wrong with that. With what you have experienced, and in general, there is nothing wrong with taking things slow. If you like someone, and they like you, Then they will respect what and where you are coming from.

[Bill3]

I saw a female therapist for a few years until I lost my job due to physical illness and couldn't afford it anymore. I'm still ill and not working, but still in contact with my therapist via email and texts as she agreed to still be there for me if need be even if I can't pay her for it right now..

How is your fear of men now as compared to before you started seeing her?

[BlueCrustacean]

I get where you're coming from. I haven't had many positive, close relationships with men either, from my family or otherwise. I hear so many accounts of women who have been abused by men who seemed perfect and nice from the start, and went south from there, so I worry that if I trust any guy too much, by the time we're both alone together he may reveal a very dark, violent side to him and it'll be too late to escape.

[ChipperMonkey]

I just want you to know that it goes the other way, too. I was abused by two different women, so I fear women. (I am female myself.) I used to have anxiety attacks when I was in the company of only women. I can't make a femal friend to save my life, but I can talk to men easily. People don't understand why I have this fear. I mean women aren't as likely to physically or sexually assault me, etc.......my issue lies in the manipulation, the cattiness, and so on. I find guys to be much more straightforward (of course this falls apart when dealing with guys who just want to use you for sex). Maybe my fear doesn't seem so rational, but it is a valid fear *to me*, and based on experience. It's getting better over time, fortunately. I would like to have female friends, but I still can't trust the gender as a whole.

[Bill3]

And I'm thinking the way to maybe have that relationship one day is to observe men and decide who can be trusted, then let them get a bit closer so we can get to know each other.. Right? I don't have to let them know everything about me all at once, I can take baby steps and all the time, find out if I can trust them more and more - right?

Now that you understand the source of your discomfort, it sounds like you would consider working systematically on getting more accustomed to men.

Now that I thought about this, I realised it's not even so much about the other people as it is about my own belief that no one can love me - because my dad didn't.. But just because he couldn't, that doesn't mean no one else can, right? It depends on each person whether they're able to love or not

[Bill3]

But just because he couldn't, that doesn't mean no one else can, right?

Right!

(((((d.o.a.)))))

[OneInBillions]

Well, I've experienced the same thing from the opposite gender's perspective. I've been positively afraid of women my own age since I was 18 or so. I was pretty eager for romance and love in middle school through college and asked many girls to go out with me, but every single one of them rejected me. Probably had something to do with my Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression -- too nervous and hesitant, not confident enough, something like that. In any case, it took a toll. I stopped trying around the middle of college, and am now resigned to a very lonely life.

[JustJenny]

One trick is to "ignore" the gender and concentrate on the person. It help to have a (non-romantic) friend of an opposite sex.

My dad died when I was very young and my mother never remarried. Although my mother did have a husband (my dad), she had a strange idea of men. She kept telling me that men can be bad, they can start consuming too much alcohol, they can cheat and they can be abusive. I don't know where she got this strange perspective. Maybe that happened to some of the people she knew.

Boys used to make fun of me at school and I lost my self-confidence. But in my 20s it started changing. I started looking for a male role-model among my mentors at the university. I met some people who helped me become the person I am right now.

OneInBillions, I don't think it's as bad as it seems to you right now. I strongly believe there is the right person for you out there, you two just haven't met yet. You will meet that person some day, maybe very soon. Until then you should invest into yourself, your health and your personal happiness. Is there anything you always wanted to do? Learn to play an instrument or learn a foreign language? Just go for it. New activities bring new opportunities.

I am a woman. I find it easier to talk to men than women. For me it is a trust issue likely stemming from a very hurtful and negative relationship with my mother. Oh I am still approachable to women but I tend to resist becoming anything other than a remote acquaintance. The negative thing though is that I unconsciously try to be pleasing to men; which itself must go back to the sort of marriages I had.

I honestly do try to make friendshis with other women but it is a real effort and I am constantly questioning their own motives and reliability.

For a long time, I've felt that it'd be great to have a platonic friendship with a guy.. I'm always afraid of men trying it on. I'm afraid it'd bring out my craziness as I just don't want them near me. I have a really hard time being physically close to anyone, really, but men in particular. I guess it goes back to fearing my dad would start hitting me.. And maybe some of it comes from my mum, too, as her dad was a seriously violent alcoholic, and she used to tell me those awful stories when I was little.. She never should have!

Some of it is definitely about my own insecurities and feeling like it's impossible for anyone to like me ever.

JustJenny, thank you so much for the advice to concentrate on one's own self! That is really great advice

[harleybikerwi]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Hi,

I think I just need to share this.. I'm afraid of men.

I know this comes from my dad who was crazy - he wanted me dead when I was a baby, or better yet, never having been born at all..

Rationally, I know not all or even most men are like this, but I can't shake the fear that they might be. I'm guessing my head got messed up because of my dad being the way he was at a time when my eyes were wide open and I was only just learning about the world - this is what men are like, this is what women are like, this is what the world is like, this is what life is like..

This really gets me down because, on the other hand, I recognise I like men and would like to have a relationship at some point - but how can that happen when I'm always keeping men at arm's length 'just to be on the safe side' making sure they won't get a chance to hurt me..

I ask myself what I need to move past this.. 'A hug - for someone to tell me that, of course, I'm scared after the experiences I've had - but that not all men are like my dad..'

And I'm thinking the way to maybe have that relationship one day is to observe men and decide who can be trusted, then let them get a bit closer so we can get to know each other.. Right? I don't have to let them know everything about me all at once, I can take baby steps and all the time, find out if I can trust them more and more - right?

Actually, that ISN'T what life is like - at least for the most part. You are right - not all men are like this. Maybe try talking to someone about this, even a male therapist.

Thank you for the confirmation, harleybikerwi! I can't afford therapy right now, but will certainly keep working on this on my own