[DechanDawa]

In the first week of February I will celebrate one year since I quit smoking cigarettes. But this thread is about an friend of mine who I met on a quit smoking online community. We quit at the same time and became "quit buddies" but at about six months she relapsed.

After that she started a pattern where she would quit and then relapse. She did this about a dozen times. I tried to "unfriend" her on my fb but she sent me a long email begging me to continue to support her. She continued to relapse until December 31st, 2015 when she did another "final quit" and this time seemed exceptionally determined.

I have tried very hard to support her, and to let her know what worked for me. Dealing with anxiety after quitting has been my biggest challenge, and one of the reasons I came on Psych Central. I am on no medication. This friend takes an antidepressant and a benzodiazapine and something for insomnia. She says she has a lot of stress in her life, but this is relative, as she has a much easier and more stable life than I do, with a lot more support from friends and family.

Well, yesterday I got an email from her that she relapsed again! I don't know what to do. Should I write her an email and explain that I am done? I feel she is playing me for a fool, although not consciously. I am beginning to wonder if the continued quitting than relapsing is a way to get attention. She said in her email that she would not contact me again until she had one month of not smoking under her belt. My idea is to just ignore her for now because to always email her right after she relapses might reinforce her getting attention for failure.

I have already suggested that she go see a therapist or an addiction counselor to find out the underlying reasons for constantly relapsing.

I am sure you all will say just let her go. I know this is probably the right thing. I can't fix her. I feel sorry for her because her brother died of lung cancer two years ago, and she has been diagnosed with mild COPD. I have such a hard time understanding her. She has everything to live for...a wonderful partner, friends, family, ample finances to enjoy life. I guess she is trapped in the world that exists in her head. She uses NRT (nicotine replacement gum and mints) which I think, makes quitting harder in the long run. She can't vape. I suggested non nicotine herbal cigarettes, which worked for me in the past. She is constantly having her psych medications switched and increased or decreased.

I guess my question is...am I being used?

[Rose76]

No, you are not being used . . . except as an admired role-model. Some people just never succeed at quitting pernanently. It's not a reason to "be done" with someone. Do you require that all your friends be non-smokers?

Now, if you are tired if being her quit-buddy, then just relinquish that role. But do it nicely. Tell her you hope she can eventually succeed, but that you being her quit-buddy is not really working and, so, she needs to use other techniques. What those should be is for her to figure out.

She is struggling and not just looking for attention. If you are tired of hearing about her struggle, then you can disengage from that.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Rose76

No, you are not being used . . . except as an admired role-model. Some people just never succeed at quitting pernanently. It's not a reason to "be done" with someone. Do you require that all your friends be non-smokers?

Now, if you are tired if being her quit-buddy, then just relinquish that role. But do it nicely. Tell her you hope she can eventually succeed, but that you being her quit-buddy is not really working and, so, she needs to use other techniques. What those should be is for her to figure out.

She is struggling and not just looking for attention. If you are tired of hearing about her struggle, then you can disengage from that.

Thanks for the advice. Remember that we met as "quit buddies" and on a quit smoking site, so that was the basis of the friendship. At this time I have no friends who smoke, and to be perfectly honest I would not make "new" friends with a smoker. It's like when people quit drinking. They don't usually hang out with drinkers because it might be a temptation, or it just isn't fun. My family members who smoked are now dead. I agree with you that she is struggling, and I am happy to hear your opinion that she is not just seeking attention. I guess I have talked to her so much about quitting I really don't have anything more to add, and I may just write her and wish her good luck. We met as "quit buddies" and other than that our lives don't have a lot in common, so I guess it's a specific kind of friendship. I don't feel like sharing all the details of my life with her.

[Rose76]

It's okay to let go of this limited friendship. Just do it as gently as you can. Wish her well. Don't judge her failure.

I understand you not wanting her to keep clinging to you. I wouldn't want that either. And needy, clinging is what it is. She probably has other distressing issues, besides the smoking.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It's okay to let go of this limited friendship. Just do it as gently as you can. Wish her well. Don't judge her failure.

I understand you not wanting her to keep clinging to you. I wouldn't want that either. And needy, clinging is what it is. She probably has other distressing issues, besides the smoking.

Thanks! This really helps!