Asking my partner to change

I think I did not write in the initial post, but at the begining he told me he is a little bit negative. In the first months, before we moved in together, I couldn't see many things, of course. I thought he was insecure, really. But I actually believed that it is only normal to be insecure until you know someone better. I thought his fears were normal because he knew little about me. Also, he kept all these things in check. He used to simply ask me test-questions so he could figure it out if I ''use'' him or not and then act like nothing happened.
When he moved in, it was a supportive gesture from me, hence his problems back then. After a little while I started seeing all the things that I previously missed. Oftenly questioning me and judging me. Judging me bcs I was a stewardess abroad and saying that ''usually girls go abroad just to be promiscuos''- me implicitly.
I was not perfect either, I had little to no patience to all this judgement and scenarios and accusations. My fault here because I did not know how to handle it.

I was also against asking someone to change. I did not believe it was fair for me to ask it. However, after every accusations episode he had, he always told me that he wants to move away from all the negative things he reads, from the negative people around him etc because he feels like it damages him and that he himself ruins his life. Unfortunately, it usually lasted 2-3 days and then returned to old habits.
This is why I asked him to change.. because is damaging two people. And I am asking from forum member here some advice and opinio, maybe someone more experienced can guide me

I am sorry if I give too many details, but I believe that because of the lack of information some of you, that kindly share opinions with me, might understand things a bit different than they really are.
Thank you for your advices, I appreciate

Do you have someone around you to advice you? Like your mother, father, or older brother?

People cannot change their initial thoughts and reactions, but they can override them. That's why we have big foreheads, right? All you can do is to advice him with love and compassion for a while. If he couldn't/wouldn't change, I would suggest to bring some logical calculations to your relationship, instead of basing it on emotions entirely and destroy yourself.

By the way, I like your signature.

Good luck

This still sounds like personality traits. He's a grump, a cynic, maybe bit of an asshole. You cannot help him. Love will not change him likely.

You should really accept him for what he is... or move on. I wouldn't personally want to live with such person. Maybe he has good sides, but if his negatives bother you too much, it's not gonna work.

I learned this lesson the very hard way....


Do NOT date potential!


Choose someone who already is what you want and need. Not someone who has the potential or presumed capacity to become that.


Huge waste of time and in some cases unfair to Mr / Ms Potential.


In your shoes I would not particularly be worried about how negative he is, but rather worry about the subject matter.


Have you noticed how all his negative thoughts centre around demonizing women????


That's some scary shyt right there.


I would definitely not choose to hang around and see how that plays out, love or no love.

Hmmmm, he had problems at home fighting with his parents sonyouninvited him to move in with you & you ended up fighting with him every other day?????? Does that kinda tell you something about him????

You say you can't stand living without him...but you can't stand living with the fighting. Got news for you....if you do choose to continue to live with him.....that fighting will only get worse to the point of hating not loving the person no matter how NICE of a person he is.....it's what you have to live with is the ONLY Thing that counts.

After 33 years in a bad marriage I ended up getting trapped in the last 13 years & fighting to the point I was seeing red by the time I left.....it's not worth even bothering because the end results will only be miserable. It wasn't until after I left & researched what I had gone through because it felt like mental abuse but not quite....passive aggressive but not quite...turned out I realized all those years I had been dealing with someone with Asperger's & even when he thought he was changing....he wasn't capable of changing & not knowing what I was dealing with...the not changing only made me more angry.

Honestly I would have been better alone all those years than struggling with that relationship that long even though I hid for almost 20 of those years getting my degree & working in my computer engineering career.

Think about your future & how much you want to continue living likenyoubwere when he was living with you..... & don't just trust when someone SAYS they have changed.....givenitnat least a year of living separate to TEST the change because people don't change unless they really want to no matter how much love may be involved.....but I highly doubt that it's truly love at this point in the relationship anyway but more wishful thinking of what is wished for. Love only grows through nurturing & there has been no nurturing in your relationship

I am glad you like it. It belongs to Seneca, from his view as a stoic. I can PM you a pdf about Stoicism if you like, it is an amazing read.

It is kind of bizarre he says you are using him when in reality you asked him to move in because he lost his job. He maybe feel inadequate and projects it on you. Moving together works if you two know each other well and are committed to each other not because one person is broke and has no place to stay . It is ok to do it temporarily for few months but not as permanent commitment. You said you love him. I have no doubt. But love doesn't conquer all . It's not enough. I would not live with negative person. I did that. It brings you down. Life is too short

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yes I noticed. And also that after saying all these bad things about women he suspected me of the same things.
I remember how sad and powerless I felt everytime he accused me of things.
For instance I wanted to take an internship abroad and he accused me of wanting to go abroad because I wanted to have ”fun” (a.k.a. fun with guys) not for learning.
From what I gathered he was in a 5 y relationship and she cheated, lied and treated him badly. After they broke up he started to show this hatred towards women and read more on this subject.

YEs, I do love him. And because of that, I simply cannot leave him/abandon him because he has issues. I also have issues and I know that when my insecurities come to the surface, in my mind I am asking for his help, unconsciously.

All of his accusations made no sense and he had no proof just like the one in which he stated that I use him. Zero proof, on the contrary.
However, his issues with women, started 2 years ago when he broke up with his long term ex, who mistreated him.

I stayed with a man who has issues because I thought I must stay since I loved him and couldn't abandon him. I finally left ( was very hard)and now am engaged to a man whom I don't need to change. I've never been happier.

I don't regret anything but I did lose almost a decade of my life. You have an option to stay with a man whom you need to change or find someone who you enjoy the way he is. Life is too short to be unhappy.

He is a very recent boyfriend not a husband or father of your children. It's your life of course so if you feel you want to stay then do just be aware people very rarely change and as tipping said "no to dating potentials"

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He has issues that started way before two years ago. His explanation about why his relationship ended two years ago probably has little to do with the reality of what actually happened.

Here's another tactic you could use, not all the time necessarily, but now and then - to challenge him. Don't respond to him with reassurance. Child development experts say that children need to learn to "self-sooth" when they are upset. They say a child can never learn this skill, if parents constantly act soothingly toward the child over every little thing. Now and then, you should not respond to his expressions of insecurity in your usual way. Say,"You have a right to believe what your thinking tells you is true. If you want to believe that I don't care about you, then I guess that's what you will believe. I'm sorry you believe that, but you go ahead and believe what you want to believe." Then make yourself busy placing your attention on something other than him.

It must get exhausting arguing with him and defending your good intentions, while he protests against all you say as insincere. Give yourself a rest. Just say, "I'm sorry to hear that you think that of me." Then be very quiet. To some extent this accusing you of not loving him has become a compulsive ritual that he goes through. It's like a script that he has written and he wants to engage you in playing out the script. The more he does it, the worse he'll get. Try interrupting this game. He's come to expect a familiar response from you. Try not responding in your customary way. This will help get him out of the mental rut he is in.

Another tactic is to say, "Well, why do you stay with me when I am just using you? Maybe you should go find someone more sincere than I am."

Try it.

I am sorry to hear your story. It is so much sadness out there, that is unfair

Thank you very much. I will definitely try this, if ever the oportunity rises. This is something that I never did. I always acted and responded on the spot. I get defensive, try to convine him, try to show rationally with examples why his ideas are not based on reality and so on.

I know. If I think at another 10 years like the past one, I would run like crazy. But the problems is this: it is really difficult to give up on the dreams we had together, the life we pictured together, and the plans we made. It is hard to accept that all these will be gone and that I will simply never see him again. He will never be part of my life.
IT is so difficult that my mind is playing tricks on me and rises the hope that maybe if I hold on long enough he will one day come home and decide to just be happy with me.

What you feel is normal. It was very hard to give up. It's hard to accept. I honestly never even knew how really good relationship feels. I always settle for something that needed adjustment. Are you in therapy? That might help

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No I 'm in no therapy. I was rather reluctant because being so easily to be influenced, at least for a period, I would go to a therapist only if I know and already trust the person. Otherwise I risk believeing and let myself be influenced by someone whos intention remain unclear.
And I know none.

They don't normally advice people on things let alone pressure them to make decisions. I tend to be influenced by people too but that's not what therapy is about

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Hello, Luciazi.

From experience I know that it would be very hard to change people. People just do not change, they do slowly evolve from one bad person to a less bad person overtime, but we are talking years and years. I have also learned from one of my psychology classes that our personalities are as hard as rock after the age of 30. Which means we have even less chance of changing after a certain age. Now this is just statistics so of course it may be different from one person to another.

As for myself, I would usually try to be a better person and I know it since I have slightly gone better and more mature as years go past, and that I have less toxic relationships. (Even if I do; I would try to walk out from it quickly instead of letting it lingers).

I think what you are experiencing is normal, to feel negative when he speaks of negative stuff. That kind of things run easily on others, same as happy feelings. If he is willing to change, he will change for the better. And you can try to be there for him, after all, no one is perfect. But it is also fine if you choose to walk away and can't stand all the negativities. Either way, you must know that you will be fine if you are strong enough. all the best and hugs to you.