Dating someone with a severe attachment issue

Hello, I’m hoping for some advice about whether it is viable to find some way to successfully stay in a relationship with someone who has severe avoidant attachment tendencies.

We have been together for 5 months and he admits he has trust and intimacy issues which he blames on his ex (but which I feel are from childhood which was quite emotionally abusive and were only exxacerbated by his ex).

The attachment issues only became apparent once we were already in a relationship as he was fine for the first few weeks and then started to display quite obviously sabotaging and distancing behaviors.

His behavior is of a person who really wants me, really desires to be with me but when he is faced with the reality it creates major anxiety and he needs to escape from it.

At times it is minor in nature - for example not contacting me every day and not spending holidays together or making big future plans- other times it is much more obvious - like risky flirting with others or completely shutting down emotionally and verbally.

Our relationship has therefore been rocky. He will sometimes disappear completely from communication for 1 - 2 weeks after a very close and intimate date and then reappear as if nothing happenned.

We have "split" a handful of times because I didn't like it or presumed he wasn't that into me. He is always sad and upset and wants me to come back. It is clear that he both likes me (perhaps is even in love) but that he is terrified of developing those feelings for me.

If I ask what he is scared of, he finds it hard to articulate, but once when he had a few drinks he told me "If I love you, I'd marry you, and then you'd leave me and I would die".

He has very low confidence and poor self esteem, which he masks. when his defensive mask comes up he can be extremely selfsh, mean and hurtful in his behavior and then he feels horrible afterwards.

To be clear though, the man underneath this is a wonderful person with a huge heart who does not want to be like this. He is just so defensive and so afraid of me in so many ways that I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

He is 29 and has only attached to one person in his life, who let him down very badly.

Could he be borderline?
A partner of mine was bpd, attachment issues.
His childhood had not been good.
He was very difficult. But underneath not a bad person.

Does he have any therapy?

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Honestly if a man disappeared for two weeks id think he is seeing someone else. Overall if this is going on for 5 months I don't see it ever changing and I would focus on why I want to be with man like that? Don't you want a good relationship with good communication? Is this the best you can do? Bet you not. You deserve better. It's sad what unacceptable things women put up with

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Agree with divine. Best thing you can do is move on.

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I have to add that in the beginning relationships are all fun and happy jolly romantic stuff and then issues might start later. But this relationship is bad from the start, after only few weeks? It has no where to go but downhill from here. Save yourself.

Sometimes people are just not into us and it's easier to think they have some mental illness or some issues to explain their lack of interest. Reality is they might have issues but usually it's not why they don't want to stick around. Plus why would you want mean and selfish man who feels bad afterwards? Why not look for nice and kind person who wouldn't be able to be two weeks without you? And who wouldn't want to spend a day without contacting you or have holidays without you? Why not start looking for the guy who is more into you?.

Give yourself a chance to meet the right person

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Thanks everyone.

I know the obvious answer is seeing someone else / not that into you.

That's not the case here.

Attachment and intimacy problems are a real thing (I have some too) and can cause people to behave in ways to avoid closeness to others.

I'm not creating a situation to make myself feel better about someone who doesn't like me. He does. He asked me out for a year before out first date - he likes me a lot. He is just bad at being close to people.

You're right though -of course - easy to walk away and find someone without that problem, but not so easy when it's happenning to you and you care about the person.

I do agree though - it makes more sense.

What steps has he taken to stop being like that? Has he been seeing a therapist? For me, it would be an absolute dealbreaker if he were not irrevocably committed to ongoing therapy.

Even if he were to start seeing a competent therapist right now, it would require a good long time of consistent effort on his part, and skill on the part of the therapist, to have the possibility of seeing some significant change in his feelings and behavior. Have you a sense of how long are you willing are you to wait for him to possibly change?

No, he's not done anything about it.

If I am honest with myself I feel he might have to hit rock bottom before he is able to.

I am not sure why I even made this post because I know that it would take years for him to get better and that would largely involve me sacrificing my own needs for love, reassurance, security that he can;t give me even if he wanted to.

I suppose I feel many things - guilt for giving up, sadness that I can't help, frustration that he can't just stop it.

I'm sorry, sarajane231.

Could you maintain some sort of boundary with him but not go further with the "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing, wherein you can continue supporting him without getting in the middle of what appears to be a major issue for him (and by extension, you)?

Thanks Bill xxx

You know MyGrandJourney...you know when you write a question and you kind of already know the answers?

I feel a bit like that.

I understand that being with him means I have to allow him to continue it to some degree. It's like loving an anorexic and telling them they have to eat. He wants to do it, but he doesn't do it. Boundaries are useless because one of his "pushing away" behaviors is to trample all over mine to make me leave.

For example if I say to him...if you wear a red shirt today that crosses my boundary, he will show up in a red shirt and pretend he has no idea what I am talking about. This is the kind of thing he does.

I guess I know I need to walk away, let him hit rock bottom and get help for himself but the chances are he is going to be an avoidant forever - and it will probably affect his ability to love, to parent and all that.

It makes me sad. I wish I could fix it.

It's OK to post on here and want validation for a difficult decision you are facing. I think the main thing is focusing on how you feel when you interact with him, or he's violating a boundary, etc, rather than focusing on him and his issues and how you may or may not help him. In a weird way, maintaining firm boundaries will help him in the long run.

Thank you so much for that

You're right, and maintaining firm boundaries will help him.

If not with me, but as a lesson that continuing to disregard people's boundaries he will lose people.

I ended it with him tonight.

I think posting here was a hail mary pass.

I know him ignoring me for days or weeks isn't okay behavior, so I suppose he has to sort out his own life until he is ready to be someone's boyfriend and treat them with respect and care.

There's help out there if he has courage to seek

Of course it is not easy. I understand

I lived for 9 years with the person with issues. Certainly we deeply loved each other and lived together with intent to marry. But his issues were too much and I finally left. It was very difficult. I still feel sorry for him as he was devastated. But if I wouldn't leave I wouldn't never meet my wonderful fiancée. I would still be there trying to fix someone rather than being with a man who is good without fixing.

It's been only 5 months for you and you two don't live together plus he is not a daily presence in your life. If you are upset now imagine how you feel 9 years later if you stay. You can either devote your life to this man who needs changing and whom you only know for short while or you can look for someone who is more suitable for happy relationship

I do understand not abandoning loved ones when they struggle with issues or mental illness. But I kind of see it if we refer to ones children or parents or siblings or spouses but I really don't think one has any kind of obligation to make sacrifices for fairly recent boyfriends.

I understand sadness about not being able to fix someone. Whatever you decide we only have one life and we don't get another chance.

You sound like a wonderful person with beautiful soul and you deserve the best. Sending you hugs

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He's testing you. Completely testing your limits he's trying to see what it's like if you left him and what it's like to face his own fears. He's trying to relive the pain again, but keeps holding it on because it hasn't escaped him it isn't his fault. Like I'm in his position too, I'm sick of people telling me it's my fault. I am not in his position as in I am not in a relationship. I chose to be single to get better, but I realized what got me the most like him people lie all the time to my face. I take every girls words with a grain of salt. I don't believe someone could love me because of how needy and hurt I am and how I get angry at myself not being good enough to my mom or anyone no one came to me when I was sad or helped me when I needed them the most so I have the worst insecurity like him he got this as a child, but it never left him as an adult he wants to love you but can't he's doing is his best and you have to make it known you aren't going to let others hurt him anymore. Showing him directly not with words but actions. He will pick up the actions more than your words, and the two weeks thing could be if I'm right he needs space because he's trying to face his emotions and taking his time to get there.

I've been there many times. I stopped believing in people. I don't make promises I don't tell people I love them when I don't I don't listen to people who just want to talk and be just superficial. I stopped listening to all this superficiality of what's expected I can't even get close to where he's at. In my mind he's very lucky to have an opportunity to let him choose to let go, but I don't know if he's wallowing in it because of fear or he likes someone else.

You know I don't know. I'm just saying he's in a place where I wish I'd be. He has someone go out their way for him and he has to see that for what it is and can't live in the past.

I'm unlike him hate myself and hate relationships I want someone and push away because I know when someone is lying to me. If someone isn't trying to be overly embellished and actually show me what they are telling me I would believe them, but that hasn't happened ever so when I hear someone tell me they love me I tell them they are a liar because you don't know me. You're infatuated and need to get to know me to love me. You wouldn't love the real me until you accepted the real me, but that's nearly impossible for me so I've given up. I don't want it, I don't want it, because putting that effort to find it is meaningless and makes me feel worse about myself and when that person arrives I'll be too afraid of losing them even from my own actions.

It's a balancing act maybe he's like that. Just my two cents

Interesting post.

I really appreciate you writing that. You sound a lot like him. He also has no faith in people, or love for himself to believe that anyone could love him.

I ended it with him and will try and stay away from him, but it's not because I don't care about him, because it's really broken my heart, but because he just won't let me in.

If it's any help to you at all...I have no reason to lie to you...I am just some stranger off the internet but the things you believe aren't true. Someone can love you - even though you're needy and hurt. Especially because you are. Pain is an inevitable part of life and I know for sure that the people who have felt it the worst are the ones with the biggest capacity to love.

Believe me, that's true. The right person can't save you (I know I tried) but relationships can also be healing and a journey you take together. You just have to have the courage that one time to believe. Just that one time not to push someone out.

I can only speak for myself in saying that there are billions of people on this planet and they are all in various states of being messed up and scared, me too, but every now and then you meet one that completely touches you and all of a sudden you are watching this ordinary person become beautiful to you.

And I felt that way about him, and if he'd shown me all the rest I would have just loved him more. But he couldn't see that, and it's sad for him and sad for you too if you can't.

I hope you can find a way to get over that, you miss out on too much with those walls around you.

I learned that lesson two relationships ago. I have this girl who I felt I would fall in that trap because of my anxieties of trusting her, but I didn't care about that anymore. I just told her I trusted her judgement and she's been nothing but nice to me. So in order for me to learn to trust is just accept the situation and let it happen. There's no reason to shoot myself in the foot anymore.

So my advice to him he needs to learn and accept his surroundings and learn to accept what's being received. I would love to be in his shoes now to make it right. I know I learned and made it right, it's very hard, but I'm so determined to make this other person not feel afraid of me.

I know when I had to take care of my last gf who was a drunk and a baffoon who would always resort to doing harder drugs and getting high to tackle her life problems or relationship issues with herself and her past. I had to save her I felt, but that never did me any good I've been in your shoes too. When I was in his shoes, I was supposed to be a father of a beautiful 3 year old daughter now, but I had every right to feel what he did even more so, because I was in the middle of an abusive relationship when he was not. My ex would hit me like punch me in the face and slap me and tell me how much of a piece of crap I am if I don't give her attention all the time she cry make a fit and later text me she'll cheat on me if I don't text her back. It was a nightmare, I was trapped in that. I know it ****ed me up, losing a child and feeling like she stole a lot from me. I'm just trying to pick up my pieces I hate being told or seeing people in my situation are always no good. It's the always part that gets me, because that's not true at all. I've came a long way, and went through so much to fail.

If I was in his position again, I would make it known I trust the other person tell them show them and do everything. I have nothing to fear when I'm with them. That's what I want. That can only come from me. Maybe he should try that, I know it would help him tremendously.

That's what I'm saying, he needs to learn that. It took me a long time to make peace with that in the hardest part the other part I can't get over how horrible she was to me. Also the last gf who I felt horrible being around her and then when I had my dystonia act up and I couldn't move she was drunk and beat me repeatedly and trying to make me have sex with her to take her pain away my last gf, she wanted me to get her more vodka and found from her she got raped the night before and she took that aggression out on me the next night and the last night I'll ever see her. That was 3 years ago, and I chose to be single to find myself again and know what's right for me.

I jumped in relationships too quick not knowing how to swim and I drowned in all of them. Unlike him, I didn't have that luxury of someone who actually liked me he had that experience before you, so it blinded it him because it was so fresh in his mind the patterns and behaviors of before. He should of fought his emotions to look at you as not one of his abusers, that he should of convinced himself that you're different and kept a lot to himself that's needed in the relationship.

I got to, because certain things I only bring up will be an impasse if I get into a relationship and not mention it. So I bring it up, first thing because I want them to know more about me that so they know, but I will assure them I'm not a fixer upper I don't need saving or help. I don't ask for it I know people need to help themselves.

I couldn't tell you how many days I wish I was her father of my child who was aborted by my two exes ago. She was crazy like, she's married now and still stalks me and I'm telling her to leave me alone before I blocked on every site she's tried to hunt me down on and contact me because she needs to focus on her marriage and not me. Like she is did have strong feelings about me, that she loved me in her words, but her actions always said otherwise. She was always wanting sex every moment like there wasn't a relationship just someone to screw constantly for two years and all she did was tell me how bad I am all the time. She disrespected my mom hit me in front of my family and friends at my 18th bday she was ruthless and never cared about our child. She was using her, and the abortion was for her medical reasons for her safety which trumped local state abortion laws because she would die from giving birth even a c section was too risky for her wellbeing. It was a nightmare I can tell you. My feelings of guilt go to my child, I remember how hard it is to be a parent that moment and I knew if she was born my ex would beat her and her step mom and her dad would actually take care of her more than she would. I wouldn't have a say in the matter for being a guy which made me hate myself because I didn't want to feel like I am hopeless helping my daughter have a normal life. I don't want kids ever, because she brought up a real situation that really made me feel that I couldn't help my own child. Today I would easily provided her life and needs easily financially, I spend all my time for her and make sure she got what I didn't get someone who would go to the ends of the earth to show she is someone worth it. My mom does this for me, but not really. I wouldn't let her down like she did with me when I was a very young child.

So this is relevant, because relationships are very hard for me, because I'm reliving this, but I don't want them to help me because I won't go in the place where you and your bf have been and struggling and juggling a lot on my plate is so hard intimacy is very very hard, but I've gotten much better at receiving it. I'm not afraid to tell my feelings and I won't make excuses about why I will or won't open up, the only difference is I choose to open up because I need to not because I want to.