[seawhale]

She is a coworker, not at the same department and we don't have any direct contact at work, I just met her several times and we talked very little, then I added her on Facebook trying to get to know her more, I talked to her online and she replied, then she went offline after a less than minute chatting session.

I am sure she is clever and she knows that I am interested in her, what is the best to do now, to close the chatting session (which is still not close) politely and telling her that I just wanted to ask about her and to make sure that everything is going on well at her side and not to talk to her anymore and that is it, or what to do?

Please advice.

[CopperStar]

Just play it off casually. You got her added on social media, you had a quick chat. That's a pretty good job, in my opinion. Remember little, casual steps, don't try to rush things or start making bad assumptions. As of right now you have made it to the status of being a friendly coworker who she was willing to add on facebook and chat with for a minute. Again that's pretty good considering you two hardly knew each other prior to that. If she went offline, just shrug it off and close the chat window, go do other things for a while, and be sure to smile and ask how it's going the next time you see her at work.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Just play it off casually. You got her added on social media, you had a quick chat. That's a pretty good job, in my opinion. Remember little, casual steps, don't try to rush things or start making bad assumptions. As of right now you have made it to the status of being a friendly coworker who she was willing to add on facebook and chat with for a minute. Again that's pretty good considering you two hardly knew each other prior to that. If she went offline, just shrug it off and close the chat window, go do other things for a while, and be sure to smile and ask how it's going the next time you see her at work.

Many thanks for your reply.

I mean that the chatting session is not properly closed (no goodbyes), so should I leave it like that (which I see neither convenient nor comfortable) or to gently close it with kind words and say goodbye.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by seawhale

Many thanks for your reply.

I mean that the chatting session is not properly closed (no goodbyes), so should I leave it like that (which I see neither convenient nor comfortable) or to gently close it with kind words and say goodbye.

I would just close it without saying anything else. Her communication style online is clearly a very casual one, without any formalities. If you write something like, "Goodbye, was nice talking to you," it could easily come across as insecure and passive-aggressive, since she isn't online anymore. So just avoid that possible miscommunication by just shutting the window.

It would have been polite of her to wrap it up with something like, "Gotta go, peace!" but some people are just very casual communicators online. If she ever just walks away from your mid-conversation when talking in person, that means she is very rude.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I would just close it without saying anything else. Her communication style online is clearly a very casual one, without any formalities. If you write something like, "Goodbye, was nice talking to you," it could easily come across as insecure and passive-aggressive, since she isn't online anymore. So just avoid that possible miscommunication by just shutting the window.

It would have been polite of her to wrap it up with something like, "Gotta go, peace!" but some people are just very casual communicators online. If she ever just walks away from your mid-conversation when talking in person, that means she is very rude.

Thanks a lot for your reply which convinced me really.

Thanks and wish you the best.

[ChipperMonkey]

It can be hard to adjust to someone who has a casual online chatting style. I accept this from some of my friends because it just feels ok, but I get annoyed when others seem to drop me in the middle of a conversation. Maybe its because I'm older and growing up there never was a way of communicating where it was simply OK to stop communication without saying goodbye, talk to you later, etc. So to me, it just seems rude, but since this is just how everyone is, I know I need to adjust. On the flip side, those who are this casual aren't all that serious. It really can be a litmus test for deciding who is a good friend, etc and who is just someone you know casually.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by seawhale

Many thanks for your reply.

I mean that the chatting session is not properly closed (no goodbyes), so should I leave it like that (which I see neither convenient nor comfortable) or to gently close it with kind words and say goodbye.

Leave it like that. This way she may feel comfortable continuing at a later date. Saying goodbye nowadays is sort of final. It sounds like you don't want to close the door, so leave it open.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Leave it like that. This way she may feel comfortable continuing at a later date. Saying goodbye nowadays is sort of final. It sounds like you don't want to close the door, so leave it open.

It's.....weird? I get the same thing......people take "goodbye" as "you're leaving my life for good".......so the alternate is dropping you in the middle of a conversation.

We have become a rude society.

(So says the woman who went to etiquette classes as a child.)

[seawhale]

It is not just a matter of closing the chat or not.

My question is: if a girl hardly know a guy and she is somehow not interested in him (she is single), what could possibly be the problem if she gives it a try and open a communication channel with him to get to know him more, may be she formed a negative first impression about him but that was never the way we judge the personality of someone.

Throughout my life, I formed negative first impressions about some people, by time you realize that these first impressions were never correct.

What might be the problem if she talked with me, this will result in that it has been confirmed that I am not good and then she will easily drop me or that I am good and then she may continue talking to me.

"I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do when I had the chance."
Rory Cochrane

[avlady]

i agree with seawhale

[winter4me]

You could be direct. Invite her out for a meal or a hike, or whatever. She says ok or not. Her apparent disinterest could be that, it may have nothing to do with you, or she may not be at all clear about your interest.

[healingme4me]

I'm guilty of being casual on social media. Maybe she was busy? Fell asleep? Took a phone call? Forgot that her chat feature was enabled and it's not her thing? Could come up with countless reasons why she disappeared from the online discussion. What's more important is face to face contact, how she treats you in person.

I'd just figure she had to attend to other matters, it's not personal, it's fb..

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

It's.....weird? I get the same thing......people take "goodbye" as "you're leaving my life for good".......so the alternate is dropping you in the middle of a conversation.

We have become a rude society.

(So says the woman who went to etiquette classes as a child.)

Sincerely! If we say 'goodbye' now, people ask, "oh are you going on a long trip away from society"? "are you dying of a fatal disease!?"

Agreed, we've become an incredibly rude society for sure. I'm gonna go on a little rant here. It makes dating and meeting people so damned difficult. Everybody has become so busy BEING busy that its all about the soundbite now. Good luck making plans for meeting up spontaneously.

The impersonal nature of text messaging makes it so easy for "something to come up at the last minute" and there's no sincere apology, no explanation, no consideration for the feelings of the other person. Just words on a little screen. Each little "ding" indicating a new text message or email promotes little response bursts that says, "somebody cares about me". And lets hurry to check it and respond. And if they don't respond RIGHT BACK, it hurts.

And then whatever they were doing during the time they ignored you, its easy to get the message that "wait a second, they were doing X with Y, I guess that shows me how unimportant / insignificant I am to them".

I can really empathize with the struggle Seawhale is going through. They stop responding and you're like, "Is it something I said?" I wonder how productive we really are as a people, waiting for the next 'ding', avoiding talking on the phone or in person and having a real conversation. Now we have to make an appointment to talk to our friends on the phone.

Oh, hey Seawhale, what did you and the girl end up talking about before she abruptly left the conversation?

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Sincerely! If we say 'goodbye' now, people ask, "oh are you going on a long trip away from society"? "are you dying of a fatal disease!?"

Agreed, we've become an incredibly rude society for sure. I'm gonna go on a little rant here. It makes dating and meeting people so damned difficult. Everybody has become so busy BEING busy that its all about the soundbite now. Good luck making plans for meeting up spontaneously.

The impersonal nature of text messaging makes it so easy for "something to come up at the last minute" and there's no sincere apology, no explanation, no consideration for the feelings of the other person. Just words on a little screen. Each little "ding" indicating a new text message or email promotes little response bursts that says, "somebody cares about me". And lets hurry to check it and respond. And if they don't respond RIGHT BACK, it hurts.

And then whatever they were doing during the time they ignored you, its easy to get the message that "wait a second, they were doing X with Y, I guess that shows me how unimportant / insignificant I am to them".

I can really empathize with the struggle Seawhale is going through. They stop responding and you're like, "Is it something I said?" I wonder how productive we really are as a people, waiting for the next 'ding', avoiding talking on the phone or in person and having a real conversation. Now we have to make an appointment to talk to our friends on the phone.

Oh, hey Seawhale, what did you and the girl end up talking about before she abruptly left the conversation?

Thanks for your extensive explanation, I just said hey, how are you doing, she replied fine and merry Christmas, then she left without reading my reply to her wishes.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by seawhale

She is a coworker, not at the same department and we don't have any direct contact at work, I just met her several times and we talked very little, then I added her on Facebook trying to get to know her more, I talked to her online and she replied, then she went offline after a less than minute chatting session.

I am sure she is clever and she knows that I am interested in her, what is the best to do now, to close the chatting session (which is still not close) politely and telling her that I just wanted to ask about her and to make sure that everything is going on well at her side and not to talk to her anymore and that is it, or what to do?

Please advice.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand :S When you say you're interested in her, what do you mean? Like, you've hardly spoken to her so what is it that makes you think she's worth pursuing? Also, I imagine some people might find it a bit strange if someone they've spoken to casually a few times adds them on facebook, and starts chatting with them, right?

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by hazn

I'm sorry, but I don't understand :S When you say you're interested in her, what do you mean? Like, you've hardly spoken to her so what is it that makes you think she's worth pursuing? Also, I imagine some people might find it a bit strange if someone they've spoken to casually a few times adds them on facebook, and starts chatting with them, right?

Indeed, people consider it a bit strange if someone they don't know well added them on FB, but I don't have a chance to communicate with her much, so I said to add her so I can talk with her.

In our society it is not easy to make a casual relationship with a girl, it depends on many factors.

I am interested in her character as I talked to her and also I see her communicating, I admired her personality (not enough to judge I know).

I am looking for a serious long term relationship (marriage).

[hazn]

I'm rereading all the posts thinking I've missed something... but it doesn't seem like I have? I just don't understand some of these replies. Why is it OK in your mind to expect her to communicate with you? You've said yourself that you've talked very little, and presumably you don't know very much about her. She isn't obliged to talk to you, or get to know you, right? Like, if someone isn't interested you can't force them to talk to you.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by seawhale

Indeed, people consider it a bit strange if someone they don't know well added them on FB, but I don't have a chance to communicate with her much, so I said to add her so I can talk with her.

In our society it is not easy to make a casual relationship with a girl, it depends on many factors.

I am interested in her character as I talked to her and also I see her communicating, I admired her personality (not enough to judge I know).

I am looking for a serious long term relationship (marriage).

OK I can understand where you're coming from, but that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't seem to be interested at this point. Maybe she isn't even looking for a relationship... maybe she has a boyfriend... maybe she isn't attracted to you... maybe she doesn't like men... oh I don't know, there could be 64324264131 reasons why she's not interested.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by seawhale

Thanks for your extensive explanation, I just said hey, how are you doing, she replied fine and merry Christmas, then she left without reading my reply to her wishes.

Ahhh ok. Thanks for replying. This makes sense to me. She's just living her life that you don't know much about, and your friendly message came up, she replied, and continued on with her life.

In order to get anywhere near relationship-status, there should be some pretty natural interactions between you and her that develop over time, where you're getting to know each other.

I think the ball is in her court. Let her initiate with you.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by hazn

OK I can understand where you're coming from, but that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't seem to be interested at this point. Maybe she isn't even looking for a relationship... maybe she has a boyfriend... maybe she doesn't find you attractive... maybe she doesn't like men... oh I don't know, there could be 64324264131 reasons why she's not interested.

I don't know, all I currently know that everything became so complicated nowadays, it could be much more simple.

What could possibly be a lose for her to know someone, she doesn't know me well, may be I am a good person with attractive personality (may be).

If she is in a relationship, she can talk and say that she is in a relationship.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by seawhale

I don't know, all I currently know that everything became so complicated nowadays, it could be much more simple.

What could possibly be a lose for her to know someone, she doesn't know me well, may be I am a good person with attractive personality (may be).

If she is in a relationship, she can talk and say that she is in a relationship.

Maybe you do have an attractive personality... maybe you're the most awesome guy in your city; but I'm just not sure if that's how this whole thing works. Anyway, I know pretty much nothing about relationships and I'm just giving you my opinion, so feel free to ignore me and take someone else's advice if that's what you think is right.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Ahhh ok. Thanks for replying. This makes sense to me. She's just living her life that you don't know much about, and your friendly message came up, she replied, and continued on with her life.

In order to get anywhere near relationship-status, there should be some pretty natural interactions between you and her that develop over time, where you're getting to know each other.

I think the ball is in her court. Let her initiate with you.

You are totally right here "In order to get anywhere near relationship-status, there should be some pretty natural interactions between you and her that develop over time, where you're getting to know each other"

I understand that and I really prefer that things to work naturally and in person at the first place, but in my case, that would take much time (several months or a year at least)

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by seawhale

You are totally right here "In order to get anywhere near relationship-status, there should be some pretty natural interactions between you and her that develop over time, where you're getting to know each other"

I understand that and I really prefer that things to work naturally and in person at the first place, but in my case, that would take much time (several months or a year at least)

Gotcha. So is there any excuse you can come up with to walk by her work area a couple times a week for something just so she can see you. Maybe there's a bathroom in that area? Even if there aren't any verbals at first, it might plant a seed.

It sure would be nice to know whether she has a boyfriend or not though.

[winter4me]

Maybe you should leave her alone, get on with living. This kind of internal dialogue is not healthy. Develop interests, enjoy activities, learn to live with yourself. When you are really ok in your own skin, you will be more attractive to others.

[hauntedswamp]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Maybe you should leave her alone, get on with living. This kind of internal dialogue is not healthy. Develop interests, enjoy activities, learn to live with yourself. When you are really ok in your own skin, you will be more attractive to others.

^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^^