[Anchinika]

Alright, so 5 months ago I started working at a new place. I was headhunted and I accepted.
Long story short - I am in-love with a coworker. Let's call him Mister.
So Mister had a girlfriend when I started working there and they'd been together for 4 years and lived together. Mister was very kind and helpful the first month I was there, helping me out with the systems and whatnot.
Then in november he found his girlfriend had cheated on him. He confronted her and they broke out and he moved back home to his parents. We had grown somewhat close, something resembling friends but not quite. I instantly noticed his mood change and he told me everything.
Since then he would talk to me about her and other girls. Our relationship changed when we started flirting a little, not heavy-duty flirting. Other coworkers started betting on us getting together at the Christmas Party. Nothing happened at the party, of course.
He began teasing me; tickling me, poking my nose, hide my paperwork etc. And I teased him back usually.
I realized in December that I had fallen for him... Hard. That's when I got the news that was starting school in Febuary and would only work part-time. So I decided that I would tell him of my feelings on one of his last days.
That didn't exactly turn out as I wanted.
2nd January we met up at a bar. He had some friends with him and I had two girlfriends with me. He was acting weird that evening, standing close to me, making sure we sat beside each other and asked how I had been during Christmas.
We had a good time the first hour or so... Then he suddenly asked me if I had something important I wanted to tell him. Of course, I had but I said no. He pressed on and when i kept saying no, he suddenly said that he knew of my feelings.
I told him it was a bad idea to talk about such an important thing drunk (he was very drunk while I was tipsy) And I kept telling him many times but he wouldn't listen.
And so for 2 hours I listened to his excuses and reasonings for not feeling the same as me. I tried to remain calm but he said some unpleasant things to me. He even went so far as to tell me, very harshly that me and him were never going to be a couple. That hit me hard.
Anyway, after 2 hours I had lost all the will to even share the same space with him. He kept talking about his ex, work, school and how I shouldn't have feelings for him. I interrupted him, asking if he was going to give me a definitive answer or just keep making excuses.
He said no.
One of my friends called my mom so she could come and get us. I told him that I wanted to go home. He didn't want me to go home. During the two hours we talked, he held my hand, wiped away my tears, begged me not to go or leave him. He wanted to be friends and wanted everything to be as it used to.
He even called me later in the night, asking if I was alright. I got mad and said where he could shove it.
The day after he sent me a text with him saying sorry for how the evening had turned out and that it hadn't gone the way he had wanted to. Again, he asked me how I felt and I was honest in my reply: I felt like ****.
Monday came and it wasn't awkward between us.. Just quiet. He pulled me aside Wednesday and we talked a bit. We agreed to be friends and forget that night ever happened. Everything returned to normal.
So, naturally, having recieved a clear no and me not seeing him everyday anymore, I should have gotten over him but something is telling me that he wasn't honest that night. He has a lot of stuff going on his life at the moment.
Now I beat myself up everyday for not having moved on. It's really ridiculous that I haven't moved on. I'm a grown woman, not a teenager.
But I, again, want to make it clear that I have feelings for him. Why, I don't know exactly.
His birthday is comming up and I want to give him a present. I was thinking that maybe I could write a letter, stating my feelings. I want him to understand that he doesn't have to react to it.
But should I do it? At this point I'm at a loss. I have asked friends and family. Some say do it, others say don't.
I'm not in the country at his birthday so... It would easy.
Thoughts?

[divine1966]

Thoughts are to not buy gifts or keep contacting him and make an attempt to move on. I understand you have feelings but if a man said "no" all you can do is be sad for a bit and then move on. Continue pursuing him is uncalled for. If I tell a man no but he sent me gifts I'd feel harassed.

Writing a letter won't accomplish anything here. Him knowing your feelings ( he already knows then) won't change anything.

You deserve better

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[IceCreamKid]

I think for his birthday you should go out with your women friends and have a fun alcohol free night and forget about this man. And it's just not a good idea to flirt on the job. Anyone who is truly interested in someone can figure out a way to make contact outside of the job. This man sounds like he liked the attention but didn't want it to go further. Find yourself a trustworthy available man.

[Bill3]

I don't think you should tell him your feelings and I don't think you should beat yourself up.

The feelings are likely to fade in time, particularly if you don't beat yourself up over them.

You might want to consider whether you want to be with a man who gets drunk with you and then becomes hostile and uncooperative. I wonder what he might do when drunk to a woman he is actually living with.

You might also want to consider why you listened to his drunken verbal abuse for two hours. I wonder what other options there might have been for you at that time.

[hannabee]

IMHO, alcohol can be a truth serum for most people, so you should think more of yourself and find someone who will treat you better. You are wasting your precious time.